Holiday Party

My parents live in a great neighborhood - they're friends with a lot of their neighbors, and have things like poker nights and landscaping awards and cookie exchanges on a regular basis.  Tonight one of the neighbors had an open house, and since so many of them had been concerned about Finn when he was sick, we went so my parents could show him off.

Poor Finn was overwhelmed by the number of people there and by the noise.  We got there early, so it wasn't too bad to start, but by the time we'd been there an hour he was tired and overstimulated.  I'm pretty sure my normally happy baby didn't smile the entire time we were there.  It was nice to meet people I've heard my parents talk about, and everyone was so nice to Finn - I'm glad we went even if it was a little bit much for my boy.  I enjoyed it even more, knowing my parents were prepared to only stay a short while, and were ready to leave once it was clear that Finn had just about reached his limit.

At one point, the husband of one of my mom's poker buddies was talking to me and commented on what a big boy Finn is.  "How tall is his daddy?" he asked me.  My response?  "Oh, I have no idea." He gave me a strange look, so I went on to explain, "I really don't remember."  And with that, the conversation was over and he quickly found someone else to talk to.

Honestly, I can't blame him.  You'd think I'd be better at this by now.  Or, at the very least, I'd pull up my donor's profile and refresh my memory on some of his vital stats.

Learning to Parent

My sister and her family left this morning.  It's amazing how quiet the house is with them gone.  Finn loved spending time with his cousins, though I think the constant stimulation, attention and recurrent close brushes with severe injury has worn him out.  He slept for 12 hours last night, and has already taken an almost 2 hour nap this morning!

It's interesting watching my parents with the boys...my sister and I have gained a lot of insight into how we were raised since the boys have come into our lives.  My mom adores her grandsons, but on her terms.  She will never be the grandmom that plays with her grandkids for hours.  Instead, she'll be the one that smothers them with attention as long as it doesn't interfere with her schedule too much.  The day after Christmas, we watched her sit on the couch, reading the paper while the boys played on the floor in front of her and tried to get her to play with them - she didn't even respond.  My dad is much more involved with the children, and they adore him, but he really has no idea how to handle discipline issues or a fussy baby.  I'm pretty sure that his grandparenting style is fairly similar to his parenting style, and while I don't remember clearly, I think my mom's may be the same as well.

My sister has the reputation as being the difficult child.  She cried all the time from the time she was an older infant on into her early school years.  She never seemed like she felt settled or secure until she was well into elementary school.  Flash forward a few decades to when D was around 2. J told our mom she didn't want to go shopping at the time our mom wanted to go, because it would interfere with D's nap.  My mom's response, "He'll be fine, he needs to learn to to be flexible," and later Mom complained to me about how J let herself be controlled by D's needs.  I told her that J knew that D didn't do well if he didn't nap and eat his meals on a regular schedule, and my mom actually snorted at me in response.

Later J and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion that all of J's crying as a child was probably related to her need for a schedule, and the fact that my parents didn't give it to her.  Based on her experiences when D didn't follow his usual schedule, we're pretty sure that he would have been just as bad as she had been, if J hadn't been an observant parent and responded to her son's needs appropriately.

My parents did do the most important thing right: I always felt loved as a child, and I feel loved by my parents as an adult child.  But I don't feel as though they were as involved in my life as they could have been or should have been.  My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in 1st grade, but my memories as a child that age center around me playing alone either with my record player in my room or out on my swing set.  I remember running errands with my mom, but I don't ever remember playing with her.  I don't remember her helping me with school work or reading with me once I could read on my own.  I know I never felt comfortable talking to her when I had fights with friends, much less trouble with boys later on.

Even before Finn was born, I knew I wanted to have a different parenting style than my parents.  I've read books, talked to friends and watched other people with their children, and have been gradually putting together something that works for me; I guess the closest thing to a description is "attachment parenting" though I'm not strictly following it by the book.  It's been difficult when my parents are around, because they can't help but criticize the way I parent since it's so different than how they did things.  It's helping that I've already seen some instances where I ignored their comments, and things have worked out fine.  One example is how both my parents constantly told me I needed to put Finn down more often when he was a newborn.  "Don't hold him all the time, he'll get spoiled and never want to be put down at all."  I ignored them, and I now have a baby who is happy to play on the floor by himself, as long as I'm somewhere nearby.  He knows I'm there if he needs me, so he's secure without me constantly holding him.

It also helps, reading scenarios in books that I can directly relate to my own experiences growing up.  In Superbaby, the author recommends avoiding labels with children, instead trying to praise them or thank them (or even describe them) based on their specific actions.  That really jumped out at me, since I remember always being labeled as "shy" and "smart" when I was a child.  That label of being shy really stuck with me, but the truth is, it isn't accurate at all.  I'm not shy, I'm just reserved in new situations.  I like to sit back and get the lay of the land before I jump into anything new.  It's funny, because once I realized that about myself, I found I had a lot more confidence in social situations - and I didn't realize that about myself until just a few years ago.  I wonder if my life would have been different if my parents had realized that about me when I was a kid and described me that way instead of labeling me as shy.  As far as being smart goes - I remember being so proud that I was smart.  Proud, that is, until I got to a math class that was really challenging for me, and instead of working hard to figure it out, I gave up because I figured I wasn't as smart as everyone always thought.  Which is exactly what the author of Superbaby says will happen.  Again, I wonder what would have been different about my life if my parents had praised me for working hard to solve difficult problems, instead of praising me for being the smart one.

We all want to be great parents, but most importantly, we all want to raise great kids.  In the end, I think I turned out alright, so it's clear there's a lot I can learn from my parents.  But in a single parent home, there's not the extra parent to balance out the mistakes, so it's even more important to me that I learn who Finn is and then learn how to be the best mom I can to him.  I think I'm going to expand my use of this space to write about the books and articles I read and how I interpret them to apply to my family.  If anyone has any suggestions for great books, articles or websites, I'd love to hear them!

Christmas Day

My head is full of posts this week - and so after barely making a post a week for the past few months, I'm hoping for almost a post a day this week!

This first one is about Finn's first Christmas - which is really more about my first Christmas as Finn's mom.  Because while Christmas is for children, it's also for parents, especially the first few years.

We flew down to Florida on Christmas Eve.  Flying with a 7 month old is a whole lot harder than flying with an almost 5 month old.  He was so interested in all that was going on around him and was such a little wiggle worm, my arms were exhausted long before we landed! He also looked adorable in his Santa pjs that I had him wear on our flight, so we got lots of attention from everyone - the TSA agents, little old ladies walking through the airport, the guy selling hot dogs, the little girl in the seat behind us on the plane and even the grumpy old man sitting next to us in the waiting area.  The whole experience of plane travel is so different with a baby, exhausting but fun. (Well, fun as long as there are no tantrums and no poop.)

Great-Grandmom and Finn

My sister and her boys had arrived here the day before, and Finn and I were at my parents for less than an hour when the rest of the crew showed up - my aunt, her new fiance and two sons and my grandmom.  It ended up being a fun evening, and Finn charmed everyone, including his great-grandmom.  He did the round of goodnight kisses at the end of the evening, and had hives popping up on his face before he made it to the bed.  A round of benadryl and hugs later, and he was asleep, though I kept the bedside light on so I could easily check in on him obsessively the entire night.  No idea what caused the hives, must have been something that someone ate, but given the amount of food we had, the possibilities are endless.

My sister and I stayed up late wrapping presents and getting ready for Santa.  We were almost ready for bed when I realized that *we* were Santa!  So my sister drank the milk and ate one of the cookies, while I ate one and a half, leaving some crumbs behind.  The stockings were filled, Philip-the-elf-on-a-shelf was moved and we were finally ready for sleep.  (As an aside, I ordered Finn's stocking from a woman on Etsy - I adore it, though I didn't realize it was going to be quite so large!)

The kids woke us up on Christmas morning, though for Finn it was just the usual wake up time.  The morning was full of the usual Christmas insanity - wrapping paper everywhere, gifts galore, yummy breakfast food and, this year, a baby intent on eating all the tissue paper he could get his hands on.

This time last year I was pregnant, and imagining what Christmas would be like this year.  Two years ago, I was about to start my TTC journey.  This year I'm a mom, and for the first Christmas in years, I was truly happy the entire day.  There was no sense of melancholy, no hidden tears in the bathroom between presents and lunch, no wistful longing for a child of my own on Christmas Day.  Every day I look at my boy and find myself loving him even more than I did the day before.  How is that possible?  Finn was just as happy with the new socks in his stocking as he was with the new toys from Santa, and while he's way too young to understand all that was going on, he did have fun and was a joy to watch as he took in all the craziness.

The excitement of the morning wore Finn out, and he (the boy who has fought sleep like the enemy for the past few weeks) gladly took two long naps, giving me time to clean up, and to read and relax.  My brother in law watched Finn while I showered, my dad was happy to play with him while I helped my mom, and Finn spent a lot of time on the floor with his cousins and his new toys.  It was a wonderful day.  Dinner was another huge family affair, and Finn ate his avocado with glee while the rest of us had beef tenderloin and way too much pie.

I'm so glad my sister's sons and Finn are going to grow up together.  D is the oldest, and while he's too young to always be patient with the younger two, he is very interested in all they do, and does try to be a good big brother/older cousin.  Oliver is only a year older than Finn, and so goes between being fascinated by him and being threatened by him.  Turns out, he acts the same way towards Finn no matter how he's feeling: trying to sit on him, crawl on him and generally smother him with affection.  Finn actually pushed back a time or two, so I'm thinking he's going to be able to hold his own in no time.

And now my sweet boy is stirring in the other room, so it's time for me to head off to bed!  Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Finn's face when I sing his favorite song

It's the night before Christmas Eve, and I just finished my Christmas shopping about 4 hours ago.  Finn is sleeping, I have presents, diapers, clothes and toys strewn across my living room floor, and I'm online instead of packing.  Brilliant.

We leave for Florida tomorrow, and will be there an entire week.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be spent with family (more family on Christmas Eve than initially planned, but I guess we'll still have fun, though it won't be the cozy, intimate family evening it was initially intended to be).

I'm hoping to have time during my week off to catch up on paperwork, blogs, emails and sleep.  And maybe even watch a movie or two.  Unless you count when Finn was in the hospital, I haven't had this much time off since maternity leave, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I have lots of things to post about, and lots of blog reading to do, and I can't wait for that, either.  In the meantime, Finn and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas!

Rashes

It was almost 4 pm and I was running 5 patients behind when I heard my phone ring.  I finished with that patient, and checked my voice mail - it was Nanny M.  She never calls me during the day, she always texts, so I was worried before I even heard her voice, "Call me back as soon as you get this message."  Finn had woken up fussy from a nap just as she noticed what she thought was a bug bite.  Almost before her eyes, it went from one spot to a rash all over his body, his ears and face were bright red and he was crying.  I told her to get some benadryl and head towards the pediatrician's office and I called their triage nurse.  The nurse took some information from me, then called Nanny M and talked to her directly before telling her to bring Finn in.  M texted me a short while later, "The doctor says he's going to be fine!" and then the doctor called me herself to tell me that it was definitely an allergic reaction, but they're not sure what it was from.  He'd been asleep for an hour when the rash started, and he'd eaten two hours before it started.  I have to admit, we haven't been very good about waiting 3-4 days in between introducing foods, so it might have been the chicken M fed him while they were out at lunch, it was only his second time having chicken (the first time was when I was out to lunch on Sunday).  Or it might have what the chicken was cooked in, or maybe it was egg in the little piece of bread she let him have.

At any rate, Finn apparently hasn't had enough specialists taking care of him, because now we have to make an appointment with a pediatric allergist.  And, of course, the allergist might not even be helpful, since allergy is a weird field, especially with babies.  With babies, the allergy testing is limited, and a negative test doesn't mean much of anything - but a positive test at least will tell me if there's something that really should be avoided.

My patient schedule is already overbooked for the next 6 weeks (and this week and next they forgot to leave me time to pump in the afternoon - hence me running 5 patients behind), and Finn's January MRI still hasn't been scheduled yet, and I now have to find time to take him to an allergist.  And then to allergy testing.

In the meantime I'm trying to wage war with our EMR (electronic medical records) company.  I sent an email today that ended with, "and it really makes me wonder who it was you had review your program before it went live.  Even a physician who has never prescribed insulin could tell you that not only is it inaccurate, but also an embarrassment to have the choice to dose insulin in teaspoons and tablespoons in your prescription template."

Is it Christmas vacation yet?

Managing Life

This past week has been challenging.  Well, let me back up a bit.  I've been really frustrated and disheartened by my job lately.  In August we went from paper charts to electronic medical records.  I knew it was going to be a rough transition, but kept reminding myself how much better it would be once most patients had their info in the computer, and once I was used to the system.  Only we kept on learning more and more things that we have to do with the system; things that take forever and are ruining any improved efficiency we might have been able to get out of being on computers (we can blame that on Medic.are's "meaningful use" requirements - all these things we have to do to show we are getting meaningful use out of our system so we don't get penalized by Medic.are.  Sadly, it's not shocking that the government is doing something with healthcare that makes it even harder to take care of patients in an efficient and cost effect manner - but that's a post for another blog.)  So right now my schedule looks like this - up at 7, get ready while playing with Finn.  Leave for work when Nanny M gets here at 8:30.  Work all day, get home at 6, play with Finn until he's ready for bed at 7:30.  Once he's asleep, I get on the computer and do paperwork until bedtime at 11pm, commenting on a few blogs or writing an email or two when I need a break. If I have a night where I don't get 2-3 hours of computer time, then I don't get all my charts done.  Which is why I have 45 charts that need to be completed right now.

Then this week I also covered the hospital, meaning I was done seeing patients at 3, then I had to pump and then head over to see patients.  It was a frustrating week.  Not one day went by this week that some incident at the hospital didn't have me angry at someone, and I got home late every single night, which means I feel like I've hardly seen Finn at all this week.

Tonight I was looking forward to coming home, putting Finn to bed and watching "Bridesmaids" while eating Peeps and drinking Diet Coke.  I've been looking forward to it all day.  But I was so wound up when I got home, I decided I needed to go for a walk, so I put Finn in the carrier and we went out for a brisk 45 minute walk.  And of course he fell asleep.  So when I put him down at 7:40, shortly after we got home, he was wide awake.  I tried to cuddle with him, then I tried to rock him in the glider, and then got back in the bed and tried to let him fall asleep next to me while I surfed the internet.  None of it worked, he was fussing and I was irritated and I just wanted to go watch a movie already.

And then it hit me.  My boy was wide awake, and I was making us both miserable by trying to force him to sleep when he clearly didn't want to.  So I picked him up, brought him downstairs, and played with him on the floor.  He banged blocks, he giggled endlessly as I made faces at him and tickled him and squealed as I played airplane with him.  I've been missing this time with him, and yet somehow I'd managed to almost miss a full hour of play with him because I had it in my head that I was going to watch a movie while he slept.  And I was actually mad at him for not cooperating with my plan.

I've dreamed of being a mom almost as long as I can remember.  There's not a day that goes by that I'm not profoundly thankful for the chance to be a mom to Finn.  And still, the annoying stressors of daily life get in the way and can make me crazy enough to forget all those things.  I really hope that today sticks with me, and that I don't let that happen again.

He's now asleep, and while I was waiting for him to drift off, I read this post on Michaela's blog, and then read Megan's post that she linked to in her writing.  Both posts reminded me of where I've been, and how lucky I am to be where I am now.  I know I don't believe that things "happen for a reason" but somehow I can't help but think that sometimes God manages to send us messages right when we need to hear them.

Home Again

Me and Finn at the Gaylord Texan

We had a wonderful weekend in Texas - even though we were inside the entire time, and the only way we could tell we were in Texas was the occasional person walking by in a cowboy hat.  Well, that and all the Texas themed stuff in the gift shops.  The conference was at the Gaylord Texan; all my times in Dallas I've never stayed there before, which is a shame, because it's fabulous.  They're all decked out for Christmas, and have tons of Dreamworks themed Christmas things (like "Shrek the Halls" ice exhibit), which made me wish Finn was old enough to enjoy it.  But he did like all the lights, especially at night.  I'm so looking forward to sharing my love of travel and new experiences with Finn; he handled the trip so well, I'm really hoping he continues to be a good traveler. This weekend, it was so nice to have someone with me while we traveled, and so great to be able to see Finn during my breaks each day.

Yesterday I finally got around to going through my mail and found a notice from my bank of a denied check that they thought was fraudulent.  I checked it out online, and it turns out it was fraudelent.  It was my check, but written to someone I don't know with the memo "Oct-Nov rent".  When I got to work today, I dug out the checkbook I keep in my desk, and found that the check was taken from that checkbook, and it looks like it was just that check.  I called the bank to confirm it was a fraudulent check, and they told me I have to close out my entire account. The account I've had since 1999.  The account that I have almost every single bill tied to.  The account whose number I finally memorized last summer.  So that account is now closed, and I have to spend my lunch hour tomorrow at the bank opening a new account.  And then I'll be spending the evenings for the rest of the week updating all my other accounts with the new bank info.  I'm so glad that the bank caught it, but SO annoyed I have to deal with this.

And of course, I'm wondering who it was who stole the check.  My office is right next to the nurse's station, but out of the path of traffic in the office, so it's hard to imagine a patient could have gotten back there and had time to riffle through my desk.  I'm suspicious that it was the cleaning crew, though the woman who does most of the cleaning would never ever do something like that.  She also works at the hospital, and before I delivered Finn, she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed anything while I was in the hospital.  She used to watch me walk out to my car when I was at the office late, to be sure I was safe, and when my car was broken into a few years ago, she was more upset than I was.  So I know it's not her.  But she's not always the one who does the cleaning.  I think I'm going to tell my office manager about it, and let her deal with that side of things.  After I file a police report, that is.

I wonder if I'm going to have to go to the police station to do the reporting, or if they'll come to me?  And I also wonder, why are people so mean sometimes?

Recovering

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Dallas, with Finn sleeping beside me and Nanny M in the other bed.  I have a work conference for the next few days and so we all are here - and Nanny M got to fly for the first time today.  Finn was a champ on the plane, a seasoned traveler already!

My mastitis is finally better.  Yesterday morning was the last of the icky goop coming out, and now it's just a little tender.  I've been taking probiotics since Tuesday, since so many of you thought it would help.  It's too early to tell if it will help keep a yeast infection at bay, but the lower GI side effects that started Tuesday have gone away completely.  Yay!

I know that the mastitis was caused by not pumping at all over the holiday weekend.  Most work days I pump twice what Finn eats during the day.  And since he was born, he always eats his fill off just one breast.  So during the week I feed him off one side in the early morning hours, he usually gets a light "snack" from the other side before I leave for work, and then I pump at noon and around 3, and he nurses again when I get home, around 6pm.  When I'm home with him, we skip the morning snack and he nurses a full meal around 10am, and then again around 2pm.  But since he only nurses on one side, that means that one breast goes a long time (4am to 2pm) between nursing.  So I either need to start nursing on both sides on weekends, or pumping at least once in the morning to keep this from happening again.

And of course I'm off work and with him for another 4 days (though most of it I'll be in lectures) and need to start doing something like that now.  Meagan recommended the manual Harmony pump by Medela to me in November after my blog post about being so engorged at the wedding a few months ago, so I took her advice and bought one for this trip.  I used it tonight, and have to say that it's awesome!

And finally, I can't end this post without a picture of Finn - this time with his picture with Santa.  The guys taking the picture was so great - he kept Finn's attention while I put him in Santa's lap, so he didn't even know who was holding him until well after this picture was taken.  Isn't this guy the best Santa ever?