Chasing Rainbows

Missing: My Brain

2012-02-09T22:29:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind. I'm juggling way too many things at work, not to mention getting ready to have the "we've had it, fix our problems, now!" meeting with our administrators on Monday. I'm tired, I've got a cold, and I've had to make up my bed every single day for the past two weeks in case someone comes to look at my condo. Here are a few highlights of the past week and a half:

Driving in the country, taking Finn to A's last week: "Look Finn! There're some cows! Oh. No. Wait. Those are horses." Oops.
I've been thinking my milk supply has dropped a lot the past month - until I leaked through my bra more than once in the past week. (I'm typing this with a huge wet spot on my t-shirt, and my favorite nursing bra soaked through.) Why can I not remember my nursing pads these days?
Getting into the car after leaving Target with Finn this weekend, I got in the car and started to put the key in the ignition, when I realized I was still holding Finn.
My nose started to itch while changing a poopy diaper. Sure there was poop on my hands, I rubbed my nose with sleeve, only to discover there was actually poop on my sleeve. Gave a whole new meaning to the term "shit faced."
I'm going to the beach at the end of April - just a little over two months from now. I really want to lose a few pounds so I can fit into my swimsuits without embarrassment, and yet I can NOT stop eating. Tonight I actually ate two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix straight from the can. Really.
I've spilled water or Diet Coke almost every single day for the past two weeks. In my car, on my shirt, on charts, on the floor, on Finn, on the cats - no one is safe.
I overslept by 40 minutes this morning. The only reason I woke up was because a little boy started wiggling around and hitting me in the face.

Yeah, it's a pretty good life with this little boy in it.

House Hunting

2012-02-05T11:07:00.001-05:00

I looked at another house yesterday. It was in a wonderful neighborhood, but the house itself had a weird layout - it's 4 bedrooms, with the master bedroom downstairs, right off the back porch. It's a house that has a detached garage, and in order to get into the house from the garage, you have to enter through the master bedroom. Who designs a home like that and thinks it's a good idea?

The owners have the master set up as a den, as it's right next to the open room that's the dining room, living room and kitchen. Only each part of that room is fairly small - I think if you take out the bedroom/den, the downstairs living area is actually smaller than what I have right now.

Still, there's more tons more storage (there's actually room to put my dishes in the kitchen cabinets!) and it's a great neighborhood with a nice, fenced in backyard and just a short walk to the pool and a playground. I was considering it, until I found out that the the owners would want a 2 year lease, 2 months rent up front, plus a $500 non-refundable pet deposit, because they're highly allergic to cats (which explains the elderly cat they have wandering around the house). Well, at least they made that decision easy for me.

I've been looking at homes for sale in the first neighborhood I looked at last weekend. I love them all (they're all the same builder, a builder I've loved for ages). It makes me so sad to know that if I could sell my condo for what I paid for it 6 years ago, I could easily afford to buy one that would fit me perfectly. Stupid economy. Why doesn't somebody fix it, already?

There are times that it's better not to know what's ahead, but in this case, I really wish someone had told me not to buy a place in 2005. I would have missed out on the tax benefits from writing off the interest, but in retrospect, that would have been just fine.

Aside from continued house hunting, we've had a nice weekend so far. Finn's suddenly developed a bit of a temper. When I take something away from him, it used to make him cry. Now he looks at me and actually lets out a yell with a look of outrage on his face. He looks so indignant, it's hard not to laugh.

Frustrated Baby

He's not crawling, but he is rolling to move around, especially when we're in bed. When he wants something that's just out of his reach, I can see him thinking about how he can get it. He tries to get into crawling position, but never quite makes it, or gets frustrated when he gets there and can't figure out what to do. Yet. I'm definitely enjoying my last few weeks or so of a non-baby proofed house.

TGIF

2012-02-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

This has been an all around crappy week.

Work has sucked even more than usual, and while I could easily give a 4 page rant about all the things I'm so mad about, I think I'll spare you all those details. Then there was having to drive Finn out to Ashley's on Wednesday, which meant another day with almost no time with Finn. Nanny M did end up being sick on Thursday, and while I really wanted to just call in sick myself, my schedule is so crazy right now, I was afraid I'd make things even worse for myself if I did so. Unfortunately, my only option for watching him - LB - was already committed to something else on Thursday morning, so I brought Finn to work with me.

I had planned on keeping him in my office, but the women who work in the back office insisted I put him in their space, so they could all do their work and take turns taking care of him. When he started to get fussy, Lisa rocked him to sleep, then put him down on the floor where he got in a good hour long nap. Some of my patients got to see him - I had my nurse call one of them because he and his wife had been talking about how much they wanted to meet him, and while he couldn't come, his wife came up with her camera and got in a good visit with lots of pictures. Finn smiled and flirted and had a wonderful time visiting with everyone and was so well behaved! I felt bad bringing him in, but luckily it wasn't a big deal at all.

Asleep on the job

Then at lunch I drove up to meet LB at a Target that's halfway between my office and her house. Thanks to a comedy of errors, what should have taken 45 minutes ended up taking 90 minutes, so I got back to work late, stressed out and exhausted. I can't believe it, but I actually cried half the way back to the office.

These are the sorts of scenarios I prepared myself for when thinking about being a single mom, but for some reason the reality is so much harder to deal with than I thought it would be. It's amazing how something so wonderful as being a mom can also be so stressful. I feel like I'm being ungrateful or silly for getting so upset about what is just another part of being a mom, but I just can't help myself.

I made it up to LB's by 6pm, and found Finn playing happily on the floor with his "cousins" and ended up keeping Finn out past his bedtime so we could all go to dinner together. I had planned on showing my thanks by buying her dinner, and I did, but I didn't feel like it was as generous as it could have been when LB told me that she loved eating at Jason's Deli without her husband, because when she does, she and the kids could all eat for $12. (LB orders a child's dinner for herself. Seriously, a nursing mom and she's content with just a small baked potato for dinner. I wish I could do that.)

Nanny M was back on the job today, but it was just a half day for her since Finn had his allergiest appointment this afternoon. I loved his doctor (who is also my nephew Oliver's allergist). She decided that while wheat was a possibility, it's most likely eggs that he's allergic to. He got the skin testing done, and after 15 minutes, Dr. Patel took one look at his back and said, "Oh, he's an allergic little boy." Really? Of all the things I expected him to get, allergies wasn't one of them. (Ok, so cancer wasn't either, but still. Allergies. Where did this come from?)

Pinpricked back

The good news is that he does not appear to be allergic to peanuts, but the bad news is that he does seem to be allergic to eggs, oats (though he has oatmeal every day for breakfast), wheat and cats. She wanted him to get blood testing to help confirm the diagnosis, so she gave us a lab slip and sent us off to get his blood drawn. I decided to first go to the Children's Hospital lab, but got there and found out they closed at 4:30, instead of 5, like I was told. So instead I went to the lab that I had gone to for all my fertility testing. The lab tech got a look of fear on her face when she saw Finn, and of course had no luck in getting any blood. The poor boy cried and cried - and then smiled at her when she was apologizing after she'd given up and decided we weren't going to get any blood.

I'm now not sure what to do. Should I take him to the Children's Hospital next week and hope they have more luck? Or should I call the allergist and ask if we can delay the blood tests until Finn's next MRI in April, and have them draw his blood while the IV is in? We were sent home with an epi pen and strict instructions to avoid all eggs and all restaurant food. I imagine those instructions would stay the same, even if we got the labs and knew for sure what we were dealing with, so now I'm not even sure what benefit there is to getting the blood tests at all.

All I know is that I'm exhausted, my stomach is in knots and I really need a good cry. Or a gin and tonic.

Crafty Boy

2012-02-01T22:37:00.002-05:00

Finn spent the day today with Ashley, my former nurse turned stay-at-home-mom. He had a fun day, and came home with his first ever craft project!

If I ever had a doubt about whether the nanny thing was the right thing for me, just trying to get everything together for Finn this morning, and then getting us out of the house on time was enough to convince me that I made the right decision. Those of you out there who are taking your kids (and bottles and everything else) to daycare every day - you're amazing!

I was so worried about throwing off Finn's schedule and leaving him with someone he doesn't really know, and stressed about imposing on someone to help out because Nanny M couldn't make it today (perhaps the biggest drawback of having a nanny), but it all worked out fine. It has made it more obvious that I need to live closer to someone who I can count on to help out if I have another day where I need help with Finn. Nanny M gave me enough notice that I was able to find someone I trusted to help me, but if she were to be out unexpectedly, I'm 30-45 minutes away from anyone who might be able to fill in for her.

I'd really been struggling with the best place to rent a home would be. I currently live in the middle of the metro area I live in. I work in a small town 25 minutes west of me, LB lives 30 minutes north of me and my sister lives 35 minutes south of where I am. Anywhere I can afford to rent a house puts me closer to one of the three but that much further away from the rest. I'd finally decided on an area that puts me 35 minutes away from work, 10 minutes from LB and 45 minutes from my sister. I hate the thought of being that far away from J, but being that close to LB (a stay at home mom) is clearly the best choice.

Luckily, Nanny M is back on the job tomorrow. And I should be doing work right now, myself. But instead, I'm going to go read some blogs and then maybe go to bed before midnight for a change.

20 minutes later: Well, crap. I totally just jinxed myself. Nanny M just texted me that she thinks she has a stomach bug. Today's day off was planned and so I was able to prepare for it. If she's really sick and out tomorrow, it's going to suck ass. I really want to just call in sick myself. I have absolutely no vacation time, and no where to put patients for weeks and weeks if I don't go in tomorrow, but it's so tempting to say "fuck it" - I work my ass off and get paid less than I should, let someone else deal with it.

#200 (Take 2)

2012-01-28T23:23:00.001-05:00

Four posts ago, I posted what I thought was my 200th post. Turns out, I had 4 saved drafts that Blogger was counting as posts, so today's post is really #200. I thought about writing something deep and insightful for my 200th post, something profound about my life as the single mom of an 8 month old. But then my thought process was interrupted by a teething baby with a cold who woke up to cry inconsolably for 45 minutes before finally falling back to sleep, and now I'm tired, hot, sweaty and covered with someone else's snot.

So instead of a contemplative post, all I have the energy for is a post about my latest news: I've decided to move. After all that work I did on my condo last year to make it ready for baby, it's just not big enough. There's no way I can sell in this market, and I can't rent it for what I pay on my mortgage every month, so I was pretty sure I was stuck. Until I had the (very belated) brilliant idea that I could rent out my place for the same amount that I could rent a decent house for. Last week I contacted my relator friend to ask her if this was even a possibility, and today we went to look at houses!

The first house was one I was already in love with after looking at it online, and when I walked in, I knew it was perfect. An open floor plan, bright and sunny with lots of storage space, a tiny yard and a huge porch off the master bedroom. Which means, of course, that when we called the listing agent she said, "Oh, we already have two very qualified applicants, so sorry."

The other place we looked at was horrible, and we couldn't look at the third place I wanted to see. I've spent the past hour looking online at homes to rent, and while there are plenty out there, I don't really like any of them, but there are a few for sale that I love. Stupid economy.

I have picked out a few houses I might want to look at next weekend, and I'm hoping there will be some new places listed this week. I've also spent a lot of time the past week decluttering as much as possible, getting my place ready for showing. My relator thinks I could have the place rented out within the next 30-45 days. Let's hope I find somewhere to live before then!

A part of me wonders if I'm crazy, adding more stress and work to my life. But I really think this is something I have to do, especially since I'm planning on TTC #2 this year.

Because despite the crying and the snot and the exhaustion, it's all worth it.

ETA: I just talked to my sister. She told me that in his prayers tonight, my nephew D asked, "Please send Aunt Shannon a big house with plenty of good food." I love that boy.

The Start of The End?

2012-01-25T23:16:00.000-05:00

Not Finn (and not me!)

I am so lucky that Finn has never once had to have formula. While my delivery didn't go how I wanted (and even now I sometimes think about how great it would have been to have delivered him naturally, like I wanted), at least breast feeding has been relatively easy for us. But pumping is hard work, and I'm running out of space to store my milk.

My schedule at work is set up so I pump for the first time of the day at lunch time. That means I'm always late for lunch, but it's also nice because I use that time while I'm pumping to catch up on messages and do a little paperwork. The second pump session of the day is around 3, but sometimes, if I'm really busy, I end up running really behind because I need that time I set aside for pumping to see patients. That second session of the day is really just a pain in the butt. When I first went back to work, I was pumping 18 ounces a day on average, while Finn was only eating about 10-12. After Christmas, when I didn't pump at all, my supply dropped a little, and I've been pumping around 10-14 ounces a day. Finn is still eating about the same amount every day (even though he's bigger, he's not growing as quickly, and he's eating solids), so my supply keeps building up.

It makes me feel secure, having that supply. I have about 110 bags frozen, each containing 4-5 ounces (mostly 4). And while that takes up a lot of space in my freezer, it really isn't all that much, when you think about how short a time it would last him if I stopped being able to nurse tomorrow.

Which brings me to my dilema. I'm considering dropping that second pump session of the day. I usually get the most milk pumped at my first session anyway; at today's second pump session I only pumped about 5 ounces total. By dropping that second session, I'd start to use up some of my supply - and since I've pretty much run out of room in my freezer, anyway, that wouldn't be a bad thing.

But then I worry if doing that might cause my supply to drop too much. What if I ended up not being able to make enough milk to keep him fed? After all this time, I really don't want to have to start using formula. I probably shouldn't worry, dropping a feeding is the natural first step of weaning. Weaning - oh that word makes me sad. Breastfeeding has been something I'm happy to do, but it's not really a time of significant bonding for us. So why does it hurt me so much to think of weaning him?

The good thing about weaning is that it puts me on the path of trying for #2. Maybe that's how I need to think of each step of this process - not thinking about what I'm giving up, but what I'm going to (hopefully) get.

I was thinking of dropping that second session when Finn turns 9 months, but the current crowded state of my freezer has me thinking I might need to do it sooner. Like Monday. I don't know if I'm ready for that!

Post MRI Relief

2012-01-16T21:41:00.003-05:00

This weekend was a perfect weekend.

Getting festive with a party hat

Wait, let me back up a bit. I had thought that after the MRI in October that most of my worry and stress was gone, but judging from the degree of relief I felt after Friday's MRI, I think I was fooling myself. I know I'll never stop worrying, but every single MRI is going to make me feel better. And now, here we are, 5 months out and that tumor just keeps on getting smaller and less defined. I have noticed since August that Finn's right hand is always cooler than his left. I've been worried that this meant something bad, but when I remembered to mention it to Dr. B on Friday, she thought that maybe it was because he was born with the tumor, and it might have been compressing one of the arteries to the arm. During gestation he had plenty of time to grow more vessels to supply the arm, but because they don't come the normal route, that might be why his hand is cold. I then went back and looked at all my notes from when he was in the hospital, and saw that the surgeon had mentioned the tumor wrapped around the subclavian artery. So her hypothesis makes sense - and since nothing new has shown up on the MRI, I'm feeling less worried about that.

So the relief I felt over the weekend put me in a great mood. And Finn was in a good mood, too. Saturday we had plans to run errands, and ended up meeting my friend Liz and her older two daughters for lunch. Finn smiled and giggled and loved Liz's daughter Erin. We did some shopping, and Finn laughed his way through the grocery store, entertaining me and all the other shoppers while he did. We played at home, he ate well, he napped well and was sweet and cuddly. He even sat on the floor and played in the kitchen while I made dinner.

We had Lillian's first birthday party to attend yesterday, and aside from a bad moment with some birthday horns, he had a great time there, too. I had a wonderful time, too. It's hard to believe it was a year ago that I held little 4 pound Lillian on my pregnant belly while Finn kicked away like he was saying hi to her.

Lillian 1 year, Finn 8 months

But really, overall there was nothing amazingly special about this weekend. But somehow everything worked so well, it was just perfect.

Too bad I had to go to work today and that ruined all my good energy from the weekend. I hate coming home in a bad mood. I'm going to have to find a way to avoid that in the future.

MRI #5!

2012-01-13T12:42:00.000-05:00

We're finally home from the MRI, and everything looks great!

This was a loooooong morning. It started around 5:30 this morning when I got up to get ready. (Well, it really started at 3:30 when Finn woke up and stayed awake for over an hour - sigh.) Finn was up (again) at 6:20, and I lucked out with collecting the urine specimen when he peed while I had the specimen cup in my hand - I caught it midstream and didn't have to mess with squeezing urine out of the cotton balls that had been stuffed in his diaper last night. I felt like such a bad ass. LOL

We got to the hospital at 7am, and for the first time had to wait because the anesthesiologist was caught up in another case. It was after 8 before he went back - and while he didn't smile, he didn't cry, which was good. He was smiling and flirting with the nurses again when I went back to get him in a recovery a few hours later, and was fairly happy (but hungry) during his abdominal ultrasound. I fed him after his ultrasound and then we headed over to Dr. Bolen's office.

We didn't make it there until after 11, so we had a little wait, but he did great. They had balloons in the waiting room, so he was well entertained, and when we went back to the exam room, there were bubbles and toys and a wonderful child life specialist that kept him entertained while they got his vitals and drew his blood.

Finally Dr. Bolen came in and gave us the good news - the tumor is the same size, but actually looks different. It's less defined, like you would expect if the body was breaking it down. She didn't see anything at all to be worried about, so we're free of scans for the next 3 months! Yay!

Thanks again to you all for all your thoughts and prayers. Lots of love from me and Finn!

The Amazing Goodness of Children

2012-01-11T22:51:00.000-05:00

A few of you might remember Miss - she is a SMC who blogged for a short period of time while TTC (and is now the mom to a beautiful little boy!), and someone who I've corresponded with since our miscarriages in 2010. Not long ago she sent me the most wonderful email, one that I have to share here. I've been saving this story for my 200th blog post - and then almost forgot to even mention that this is my 200th blog post! Ok, back to the story...

Miss is the aunt to some amazing children. And by amazing, I mean A.MA.ZING. Shortly after the earthquake in Haiti, her nephew Eric was watching a special about it, and asked his mom if they could send some money to help the children in Haiti. When she said yes, he then asked if it would be alright if he asked for money for his birthday to donate to Haiti. She thought he meant asking for money from the family, but what he meant was asking for donations from his friends instead of presents at his birthday party. That started a tradition amongst the children in the family, with his sisters following in his footsteps.

This year Leah wasn't sure what she wanted her cause to be for her 7th birthday. And then she heard Miss telling her mom about Finn and his cancer diagnosis, and decided she wanted to raise money to help Finn and children like him. She sent out invitations for her birthday party with a note about Baby Finn and his fight against neuroblastoma, and asked for donations to benefit Alex's Lemonade Stand, an organization that not only funds cancer research, it also helps families with children who have cancer.

Here's what Miss said about the party:

The kids had a great time, and there was lots of applause after the cards were opened. The parents were also very interested in what Leah was doing, and many took the time to read the small info sheet we had set out and to comment on how blessed it made them feel - not only to have healthy children, but to be able to help others. One little girl has asked her Mom if she can pick a cause for her next birthday, and help someone else instead of getting gifts. Her Mom was very pleased to hear that :) Another little girl excitedly told her parents that with "so much money raised, Baby Finn will be all better in no time now!" It was sweet.

Isn't she beautiful - inside and out!

For her 7th birthday Leah raised $465 for Alex's Lemonade Stand. An amazing total, but even more amazing is the fact that she did this instead of asking for presents for her 7th birthday. I honestly couldn't imagine anything good coming out of Finn's diagnosis, but Leah (and her siblings) generosity proved me wrong.

I'm going to make sure that Finn grows up knowing about Leah and her birthday party and I hope he learns to have the same giving spirit that she does.

Oh, in case you were wondering what's the latest with Finn's neuroblastoma, his next MRI is this Friday. I'm hoping for nothing but more good news to share on Friday afternoon!

Whiny Post about Work

2012-01-07T23:30:00.002-05:00

Surrounded by charts right after our move last year (10dpIUI #4)

Warning: the following post is just me complaining about my job. I try to limit my work talk on here as much as possible, but things have gotten so bad, I have to write about it today.

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. And these days, the hate is winning over thelove.

I love the complexities of a difficult clinical case. I love meeting someone who feels hopelesswith their medical problems and giving them the keys to a solution. I love the challenge of figuring out how toget someone motivated and involved in managing their own medical problems. I love it when I know I’ve made a differencein someone’s life, even if it’s just because I did something as simple aslisten to them when they needed it. Ilove it.

There are the patients who don’t care. The ones who blame me (or the entirehealthcare system) for their problems. The ones who say things like, “If you want to pay for my meds, I’ll takethem, but otherwise I’m not going to,” as their breath reeks of tobacco. But I knew I’d have those challenges when Isigned up for this job. And I havegotten better at being able to distance myself from those patients. I no longer find myself getting upset becauseI care more about their health than they do, and that makes it much easier to see these patients and not have it ruin my entire day.

What I didn’t expect was the fact that it’s getting harderand harder to practice medicine. I’mscheduled to see a patient every 15 minutes. My job isn’t just to prescribe a couple of pills and move on – there’s alot to talk about, and sometimes 15 minutes just isn’t enough. I usually can make up the time when someonedoesn’t show up for their appointment, but I never have time to write notesduring the day to document each visit. As someone who bills Medic.are, I have to follow their rules forbilling. Which means that I have to haveall this stuff in my notes from each visit that has nothing to do with the careI gave, but I have to have it in there to support the level of service Ibill. So in addition to the 15 minutesof direct patient contact, I have about 5-10 minutes of documentation for eachpatient. And then there’s the paperworkoutside of the patient contact – I have anywhere from 30-60 minutes worth of“nonrevenue generating” paperwork to do every day. If your insurance company doesn’t want to pay for the drug or test yourdoctor thinks you need, your doctor has to spend 5-10 minutes filling out aform, or even longer waiting on hold to talk to someone with your insurancecompany, to try to convince them otherwise. And we have to do that for free. What other profession that bills for services does that? Why is it thatdoctors are supposed to do so much work for free, and why is it poor form forus to talk about that? I or one of mypartners have to be available at all hours for calls. If you’re my patient, you can reach me at 2amto talk about anything, even if it’s not an emergency. And I can’t charge you for it, even if it wasa frivolous call that could have waited until normal business hours. Again – can you imagine how much yourattorney would charge if you called her at 2am? Add in the fact that our crappy electronicmedical records system – that was supposed to make things faster – has madethings even slower. (For those of you inthe medical field – I’ve done EMR before. I love it. I couldn’t wait to getit again. We’ve been on it now for over5 months and I still hate our system.)

I have more paperwork to do in a day than I can possibly getdone. And now the administrators aretelling us we need to see more patients, we need to get our paperwork done morequickly, and we also need to serve on committees, and do volunteer work, andcomplete more after hours training. Inthe meantime, I have no time to do any reading that might be relevant to myjob. I get weekly emails with updates onthe latest journal articles; I used to read these every day, and then do extrareading on top of that to stay up to date. I currently have over 45 of those emails unread in my inbox, so whoknows what I’m missing. I know I’m notas good a doctor as I could be, because things fall through the cracks becauseI’m trying to do too much. And it’s notbecause of Finn – he’s almost always asleep by 8pm these days. It’s because all my downtime has to be spentdoing paperwork. Paperwork that, for themost part, has absolutely nothing to do with the actual business of caring forpatients and everything to do with business of health insurance.

Last year we ran our numbers against a national databank anddiscovered that I’m more productive (I see more patients on a daily basis) than95% of the doctors in my field in the country do. And yet I make less than 75% of them. My salary is the same now as it was when Istarted over 7 years ago. Exactly thesame. And yet I’m being told I don’t seeenough patients, I don’t bill enough, and I need to do more, more, more.

Recently it’s just gotten to be too much. Our current way of doing things can’t continue. And so, at our monthly meetingWednesday, I let our office administrators have it. As one of my partners pointed out, the factthat we’ve stayed here as long as we have shows that we want to be here. But at some point, wanting to be here isn’tenough. And while I know that the stateof medicine is similar everywhere in the country these days, and I’d just betrading one set of problems for another if I left, at least I’d be paid moreand work less if I joined a different practice.

When I used to dream of being a doctor, I never dreamed ofthe work life I have now. The olderdoctors, the ones who were around before all the regulations, say it didn’tused to be this way. My particularpractice has it worse than others, just because of the type of medicine wepractice, but it’s getting worse for everyone.

I can’t imagine what else I would do if I hadn’t become adoctor, but I would urge anyone thinking of medicine as a career to lookelsewhere. I’ve actually contacted themanager of a drug company to ask if they’re hiring physicians. I’d hate that job. But at least I’d have a life outside of work.

And that’s just sad.

After over a year of promising to get a meeting scheduledwith the head administrator, it’s finally being scheduled (I tend to be thedriving force in our office, and while I was distracted with being pregnant andthen being a new mom, not much got done). I’m in the process of drafting an email to the administrator outliningour specific problems. And making itclear that while we don’t want to leave, it’s getting to the point where itwould be crazy to stay. It’s possiblethat they might be able to do something to make things better. I’m willing to give them a little time totry.

In them meantime, I’m just trying to stay afloat at work andtrying to be fully present with Finn when we’re together so he'll never realize how stressed out I am. Exercise is pretty much out of the picture. Reading for pleasure? Not so much. I do get to watch tv, but usually while I'm doing paperwork, so I can only really watch things I've seen before, since I really can't pay close attention. I anticipated I might go 6 months between hair cuts when I had Finn. I never anticipated I'd have such little free time with just one baby. Especially one baby who is such a good sleeper.

If you’re still reading – thanks for listening. It felt good to get it out of my system. Maybe tonight insomnia and headaches will leave me alone so I can finally get a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks.

Hello 2012!

2012-01-01T23:36:00.002-05:00

New Year's Eve at the Beach

2011 had some amazing highs and some amazing lows, but in the end, the highs have outweighed the lows. For the last day of 2011, we took Finn to the beach where he ate sand (and apparently ate some of that weed that's in his hand in this picture, if what I found in his poop this morning is any indication). We had dinner at 5:30, so Finn could be home in time for bed by 7, and I was in bed by 10:30. I did wake up just before midnight, and welcomed in the new year watching my boy sleep.

I'm lucky in so many ways, and yet I still find myself feeling stressed and overwhelmed not because of motherhood, but because of my job. I love my job and I can't imagine doing anything else. And yet my job is making me miserable. I have no idea how to fix it, but I'm going to figure out a way to make it better. I have plenty of time with Finn, but I need time for myself, too. I want to be able to blog and read and watch movies without feeling guilty (like I am now) for not doing paperwork instead. If I could leave work every day with just 30 minutes of paperwork to do in the evening, instead of 3 hours, I would be in heaven. I really have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to find a way.

A much easier resolution to keep for 2012 is eating healthier. I lost back to my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 weeks of having Finn. After his surgery, I was on my way to losing my TTC weight as well. And then something went wrong (namely my diet) and now I'm back to where I was in June, or maybe even worse. I've been eating horribly, so just going back to healthy eating is likely to help me lose the weight. I'm not going to stress the pounds, or even think of it as a weight loss diet, I don't think I'm capable of that right now. But I can choose fruits and veggies over junk food, and skip the desserts at lunch most days, and stop eating entire boxes of Peeps in one sitting. That I can do.

As part of their New Year's reflections and resolutions, a lot of SMC bloggers were posting today about living in the moment. We try so hard to have children, but then it's easy to get caught up in the stress of daily life and forget to stop and appreciate our miracles. That's what I thought about at midnight last night, was what a miracle Finn is, in so many ways, and I'm so lucky. Claire's resolution is my favorite, and one that I'm going to try to keep too: "To face each and every day with joy and an open heart."

Happy New Year!

Holiday Party

2011-12-30T22:46:00.000-05:00

My parents live in a great neighborhood - they're friends with a lot of their neighbors, and have things like poker nights and landscaping awards and cookie exchanges on a regular basis. Tonight one of the neighbors had an open house, and since so many of them had been concerned about Finn when he was sick, we went so my parents could show him off.

Poor Finn was overwhelmed by the number of people there and by the noise. We got there early, so it wasn't too bad to start, but by the time we'd been there an hour he was tired and overstimulated. I'm pretty sure my normally happy baby didn't smile the entire time we were there. It was nice to meet people I've heard my parents talk about, and everyone was so nice to Finn - I'm glad we went even if it was a little bit much for my boy. I enjoyed it even more, knowing my parents were prepared to only stay a short while, and were ready to leave once it was clear that Finn had just about reached his limit.

At one point, the husband of one of my mom's poker buddies was talking to me and commented on what a big boy Finn is. "How tall is his daddy?" he asked me. My response? "Oh, I have no idea." He gave me a strange look, so I went on to explain, "I really don't remember." And with that, the conversation was over and he quickly found someone else to talk to.

Honestly, I can't blame him. You'd think I'd be better at this by now. Or, at the very least, I'd pull up my donor's profile and refresh my memory on some of his vital stats.

Learning to Parent

2011-12-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

My sister and her family left this morning. It's amazing how quiet the house is with them gone. Finn loved spending time with his cousins, though I think the constant stimulation, attention and recurrent close brushes with severe injury has worn him out. He slept for 12 hours last night, and has already taken an almost 2 hour nap this morning!

It's interesting watching my parents with the boys...my sister and I have gained a lot of insight into how we were raised since the boys have come into our lives. My mom adores her grandsons, but on her terms. She will never be the grandmom that plays with her grandkids for hours. Instead, she'll be the one that smothers them with attention as long as it doesn't interfere with her schedule too much. The day after Christmas, we watched her sit on the couch, reading the paper while the boys played on the floor in front of her and tried to get her to play with them - she didn't even respond. My dad is much more involved with the children, and they adore him, but he really has no idea how to handle discipline issues or a fussy baby. I'm pretty sure that his grandparenting style is fairly similar to his parenting style, and while I don't remember clearly, I think my mom's may be the same as well.

My sister has the reputation as being the difficult child. She cried all the time from the time she was an older infant on into her early school years. She never seemed like she felt settled or secure until she was well into elementary school. Flash forward a few decades to when D was around 2. J told our mom she didn't want to go shopping at the time our mom wanted to go, because it would interfere with D's nap. My mom's response, "He'll be fine, he needs to learn to to be flexible," and later Mom complained to me about how J let herself be controlled by D's needs. I told her that J knew that D didn't do well if he didn't nap and eat his meals on a regular schedule, and my mom actually snorted at me in response.

Later J and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion that all of J's crying as a child was probably related to her need for a schedule, and the fact that my parents didn't give it to her. Based on her experiences when D didn't follow his usual schedule, we're pretty sure that he would have been just as bad as she had been, if J hadn't been an observant parent and responded to her son's needs appropriately.

My parents did do the most important thing right: I always felt loved as a child, and I feel loved by my parents as an adult child. But I don't feel as though they were as involved in my life as they could have been or should have been. My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in 1st grade, but my memories as a child that age center around me playing alone either with my record player in my room or out on my swing set. I remember running errands with my mom, but I don't ever remember playing with her. I don't remember her helping me with school work or reading with me once I could read on my own. I know I never felt comfortable talking to her when I had fights with friends, much less trouble with boys later on.

Even before Finn was born, I knew I wanted to have a different parenting style than my parents. I've read books, talked to friends and watched other people with their children, and have been gradually putting together something that works for me; I guess the closest thing to a description is "attachment parenting" though I'm not strictly following it by the book. It's been difficult when my parents are around, because they can't help but criticize the way I parent since it's so different than how they did things. It's helping that I've already seen some instances where I ignored their comments, and things have worked out fine. One example is how both my parents constantly told me I needed to put Finn down more often when he was a newborn. "Don't hold him all the time, he'll get spoiled and never want to be put down at all." I ignored them, and I now have a baby who is happy to play on the floor by himself, as long as I'm somewhere nearby. He knows I'm there if he needs me, so he's secure without me constantly holding him.

It also helps, reading scenarios in books that I can directly relate to my own experiences growing up. In Superbaby, the author recommends avoiding labels with children, instead trying to praise them or thank them (or even describe them) based on their specific actions. That really jumped out at me, since I remember always being labeled as "shy" and "smart" when I was a child. That label of being shy really stuck with me, but the truth is, it isn't accurate at all. I'm not shy, I'm just reserved in new situations. I like to sit back and get the lay of the land before I jump into anything new. It's funny, because once I realized that about myself, I found I had a lot more confidence in social situations - and I didn't realize that about myself until just a few years ago. I wonder if my life would have been different if my parents had realized that about me when I was a kid and described me that way instead of labeling me as shy. As far as being smart goes - I remember being so proud that I was smart. Proud, that is, until I got to a math class that was really challenging for me, and instead of working hard to figure it out, I gave up because I figured I wasn't as smart as everyone always thought. Which is exactly what the author of Superbaby says will happen. Again, I wonder what would have been different about my life if my parents had praised me for working hard to solve difficult problems, instead of praising me for being the smart one.

We all want to be great parents, but most importantly, we all want to raise great kids. In the end, I think I turned out alright, so it's clear there's a lot I can learn from my parents. But in a single parent home, there's not the extra parent to balance out the mistakes, so it's even more important to me that I learn who Finn is and then learn how to be the best mom I can to him. I think I'm going to expand my use of this space to write about the books and articles I read and how I interpret them to apply to my family. If anyone has any suggestions for great books, articles or websites, I'd love to hear them!

Christmas Day

2011-12-26T23:27:00.000-05:00

My head is full of posts this week - and so after barely making a post a week for the past few months, I'm hoping for almost a post a day this week!

This first one is about Finn's first Christmas - which is really more about my first Christmas as Finn's mom. Because while Christmas is for children, it's also for parents, especially the first few years.

We flew down to Florida on Christmas Eve. Flying with a 7 month old is a whole lot harder than flying with an almost 5 month old. He was so interested in all that was going on around him and was such a little wiggle worm, my arms were exhausted long before we landed! He also looked adorable in his Santa pjs that I had him wear on our flight, so we got lots of attention from everyone - the TSA agents, little old ladies walking through the airport, the guy selling hot dogs, the little girl in the seat behind us on the plane and even the grumpy old man sitting next to us in the waiting area. The whole experience of plane travel is so different with a baby, exhausting but fun. (Well, fun as long as there are no tantrums and no poop.)

Great-Grandmom and Finn

My sister and her boys had arrived here the day before, and Finn and I were at my parents for less than an hour when the rest of the crew showed up - my aunt, her new fiance and two sons and my grandmom. It ended up being a fun evening, and Finn charmed everyone, including his great-grandmom. He did the round of goodnight kisses at the end of the evening, and had hives popping up on his face before he made it to the bed. A round of benadryl and hugs later, and he was asleep, though I kept the bedside light on so I could easily check in on him obsessively the entire night. No idea what caused the hives, must have been something that someone ate, but given the amount of food we had, the possibilities are endless.

My sister and I stayed up late wrapping presents and getting ready for Santa. We were almost ready for bed when I realized that *we* were Santa! So my sister drank the milk and ate one of the cookies, while I ate one and a half, leaving some crumbs behind. The stockings were filled, Philip-the-elf-on-a-shelf was moved and we were finally ready for sleep. (As an aside, I ordered Finn's stocking from a woman on Etsy - I adore it, though I didn't realize it was going to be quite so large!)

The kids woke us up on Christmas morning, though for Finn it was just the usual wake up time. The morning was full of the usual Christmas insanity - wrapping paper everywhere, gifts galore, yummy breakfast food and, this year, a baby intent on eating all the tissue paper he could get his hands on.

This time last year I was pregnant, and imagining what Christmas would be like this year. Two years ago, I was about to start my TTC journey. This year I'm a mom, and for the first Christmas in years, I was truly happy the entire day. There was no sense of melancholy, no hidden tears in the bathroom between presents and lunch, no wistful longing for a child of my own on Christmas Day. Every day I look at my boy and find myself loving him even more than I did the day before. How is that possible? Finn was just as happy with the new socks in his stocking as he was with the new toys from Santa, and while he's way too young to understand all that was going on, he did have fun and was a joy to watch as he took in all the craziness.

The excitement of the morning wore Finn out, and he (the boy who has fought sleep like the enemy for the past few weeks) gladly took two long naps, giving me time to clean up, and to read and relax. My brother in law watched Finn while I showered, my dad was happy to play with him while I helped my mom, and Finn spent a lot of time on the floor with his cousins and his new toys. It was a wonderful day. Dinner was another huge family affair, and Finn ate his avocado with glee while the rest of us had beef tenderloin and way too much pie.

I'm so glad my sister's sons and Finn are going to grow up together. D is the oldest, and while he's too young to always be patient with the younger two, he is very interested in all they do, and does try to be a good big brother/older cousin. Oliver is only a year older than Finn, and so goes between being fascinated by him and being threatened by him. Turns out, he acts the same way towards Finn no matter how he's feeling: trying to sit on him, crawl on him and generally smother him with affection. Finn actually pushed back a time or two, so I'm thinking he's going to be able to hold his own in no time.

And now my sweet boy is stirring in the other room, so it's time for me to head off to bed! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T21:22:00.002-05:00

Finn's face when I sing his favorite song

It's the night before Christmas Eve, and I just finished my Christmas shopping about 4 hours ago. Finn is sleeping, I have presents, diapers, clothes and toys strewn across my living room floor, and I'm online instead of packing. Brilliant.

We leave for Florida tomorrow, and will be there an entire week. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be spent with family (more family on Christmas Eve than initially planned, but I guess we'll still have fun, though it won't be the cozy, intimate family evening it was initially intended to be).

I'm hoping to have time during my week off to catch up on paperwork, blogs, emails and sleep. And maybe even watch a movie or two. Unless you count when Finn was in the hospital, I haven't had this much time off since maternity leave, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I have lots of things to post about, and lots of blog reading to do, and I can't wait for that, either. In the meantime, Finn and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas!

Rashes

2011-12-14T22:41:00.002-05:00

It was almost 4 pm and I was running 5 patients behind when I heard my phone ring. I finished with that patient, and checked my voice mail - it was Nanny M. She never calls me during the day, she always texts, so I was worried before I even heard her voice, "Call me back as soon as you get this message." Finn had woken up fussy from a nap just as she noticed what she thought was a bug bite. Almost before her eyes, it went from one spot to a rash all over his body, his ears and face were bright red and he was crying. I told her to get some benadryl and head towards the pediatrician's office and I called their triage nurse. The nurse took some information from me, then called Nanny M and talked to her directly before telling her to bring Finn in. M texted me a short while later, "The doctor says he's going to be fine!" and then the doctor called me herself to tell me that it was definitely an allergic reaction, but they're not sure what it was from. He'd been asleep for an hour when the rash started, and he'd eaten two hours before it started. I have to admit, we haven't been very good about waiting 3-4 days in between introducing foods, so it might have been the chicken M fed him while they were out at lunch, it was only his second time having chicken (the first time was when I was out to lunch on Sunday). Or it might have what the chicken was cooked in, or maybe it was egg in the little piece of bread she let him have.

At any rate, Finn apparently hasn't had enough specialists taking care of him, because now we have to make an appointment with a pediatric allergist. And, of course, the allergist might not even be helpful, since allergy is a weird field, especially with babies. With babies, the allergy testing is limited, and a negative test doesn't mean much of anything - but a positive test at least will tell me if there's something that really should be avoided.

My patient schedule is already overbooked for the next 6 weeks (and this week and next they forgot to leave me time to pump in the afternoon - hence me running 5 patients behind), and Finn's January MRI still hasn't been scheduled yet, and I now have to find time to take him to an allergist. And then to allergy testing.

In the meantime I'm trying to wage war with our EMR (electronic medical records) company. I sent an email today that ended with, "and it really makes me wonder who it was you had review your program before it went live. Even a physician who has never prescribed insulin could tell you that not only is it inaccurate, but also an embarrassment to have the choice to dose insulin in teaspoons and tablespoons in your prescription template."

Is it Christmas vacation yet?

Managing Life

2011-12-09T22:33:00.001-05:00

This past week has been challenging. Well, let me back up a bit. I've been really frustrated and disheartened by my job lately. In August we went from paper charts to electronic medical records. I knew it was going to be a rough transition, but kept reminding myself how much better it would be once most patients had their info in the computer, and once I was used to the system. Only we kept on learning more and more things that we have to do with the system; things that take forever and are ruining any improved efficiency we might have been able to get out of being on computers (we can blame that on Medic.are's "meaningful use" requirements - all these things we have to do to show we are getting meaningful use out of our system so we don't get penalized by Medic.are. Sadly, it's not shocking that the government is doing something with healthcare that makes it even harder to take care of patients in an efficient and cost effect manner - but that's a post for another blog.) So right now my schedule looks like this - up at 7, get ready while playing with Finn. Leave for work when Nanny M gets here at 8:30. Work all day, get home at 6, play with Finn until he's ready for bed at 7:30. Once he's asleep, I get on the computer and do paperwork until bedtime at 11pm, commenting on a few blogs or writing an email or two when I need a break. If I have a night where I don't get 2-3 hours of computer time, then I don't get all my charts done. Which is why I have 45 charts that need to be completed right now.

Then this week I also covered the hospital, meaning I was done seeing patients at 3, then I had to pump and then head over to see patients. It was a frustrating week. Not one day went by this week that some incident at the hospital didn't have me angry at someone, and I got home late every single night, which means I feel like I've hardly seen Finn at all this week.

Tonight I was looking forward to coming home, putting Finn to bed and watching "Bridesmaids" while eating Peeps and drinking Diet Coke. I've been looking forward to it all day. But I was so wound up when I got home, I decided I needed to go for a walk, so I put Finn in the carrier and we went out for a brisk 45 minute walk. And of course he fell asleep. So when I put him down at 7:40, shortly after we got home, he was wide awake. I tried to cuddle with him, then I tried to rock him in the glider, and then got back in the bed and tried to let him fall asleep next to me while I surfed the internet. None of it worked, he was fussing and I was irritated and I just wanted to go watch a movie already.

And then it hit me. My boy was wide awake, and I was making us both miserable by trying to force him to sleep when he clearly didn't want to. So I picked him up, brought him downstairs, and played with him on the floor. He banged blocks, he giggled endlessly as I made faces at him and tickled him and squealed as I played airplane with him. I've been missing this time with him, and yet somehow I'd managed to almost miss a full hour of play with him because I had it in my head that I was going to watch a movie while he slept. And I was actually mad at him for not cooperating with my plan.

I've dreamed of being a mom almost as long as I can remember. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not profoundly thankful for the chance to be a mom to Finn. And still, the annoying stressors of daily life get in the way and can make me crazy enough to forget all those things. I really hope that today sticks with me, and that I don't let that happen again.

He's now asleep, and while I was waiting for him to drift off, I read this post on Michaela's blog, and then read Megan's post that she linked to in her writing. Both posts reminded me of where I've been, and how lucky I am to be where I am now. I know I don't believe that things "happen for a reason" but somehow I can't help but think that sometimes God manages to send us messages right when we need to hear them.

Home Again

2011-12-05T20:07:00.001-05:00

Me and Finn at the Gaylord Texan

We had a wonderful weekend in Texas - even though we were inside the entire time, and the only way we could tell we were in Texas was the occasional person walking by in a cowboy hat. Well, that and all the Texas themed stuff in the gift shops. The conference was at the Gaylord Texan; all my times in Dallas I've never stayed there before, which is a shame, because it's fabulous. They're all decked out for Christmas, and have tons of Dreamworks themed Christmas things (like "Shrek the Halls" ice exhibit), which made me wish Finn was old enough to enjoy it. But he did like all the lights, especially at night. I'm so looking forward to sharing my love of travel and new experiences with Finn; he handled the trip so well, I'm really hoping he continues to be a good traveler. This weekend, it was so nice to have someone with me while we traveled, and so great to be able to see Finn during my breaks each day.

Yesterday I finally got around to going through my mail and found a notice from my bank of a denied check that they thought was fraudulent. I checked it out online, and it turns out it was fraudelent. It was my check, but written to someone I don't know with the memo "Oct-Nov rent". When I got to work today, I dug out the checkbook I keep in my desk, and found that the check was taken from that checkbook, and it looks like it was just that check. I called the bank to confirm it was a fraudulent check, and they told me I have to close out my entire account. The account I've had since 1999. The account that I have almost every single bill tied to. The account whose number I finally memorized last summer. So that account is now closed, and I have to spend my lunch hour tomorrow at the bank opening a new account. And then I'll be spending the evenings for the rest of the week updating all my other accounts with the new bank info. I'm so glad that the bank caught it, but SO annoyed I have to deal with this.

And of course, I'm wondering who it was who stole the check. My office is right next to the nurse's station, but out of the path of traffic in the office, so it's hard to imagine a patient could have gotten back there and had time to riffle through my desk. I'm suspicious that it was the cleaning crew, though the woman who does most of the cleaning would never ever do something like that. She also works at the hospital, and before I delivered Finn, she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed anything while I was in the hospital. She used to watch me walk out to my car when I was at the office late, to be sure I was safe, and when my car was broken into a few years ago, she was more upset than I was. So I know it's not her. But she's not always the one who does the cleaning. I think I'm going to tell my office manager about it, and let her deal with that side of things. After I file a police report, that is.

I wonder if I'm going to have to go to the police station to do the reporting, or if they'll come to me? And I also wonder, why are people so mean sometimes?

Recovering

2011-12-01T22:36:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Dallas, with Finn sleeping beside me and Nanny M in the other bed. I have a work conference for the next few days and so we all are here - and Nanny M got to fly for the first time today. Finn was a champ on the plane, a seasoned traveler already!

My mastitis is finally better. Yesterday morning was the last of the icky goop coming out, and now it's just a little tender. I've been taking probiotics since Tuesday, since so many of you thought it would help. It's too early to tell if it will help keep a yeast infection at bay, but the lower GI side effects that started Tuesday have gone away completely. Yay!

I know that the mastitis was caused by not pumping at all over the holiday weekend. Most work days I pump twice what Finn eats during the day. And since he was born, he always eats his fill off just one breast. So during the week I feed him off one side in the early morning hours, he usually gets a light "snack" from the other side before I leave for work, and then I pump at noon and around 3, and he nurses again when I get home, around 6pm. When I'm home with him, we skip the morning snack and he nurses a full meal around 10am, and then again around 2pm. But since he only nurses on one side, that means that one breast goes a long time (4am to 2pm) between nursing. So I either need to start nursing on both sides on weekends, or pumping at least once in the morning to keep this from happening again.

And of course I'm off work and with him for another 4 days (though most of it I'll be in lectures) and need to start doing something like that now. Meagan recommended the manual Harmony pump by Medela to me in November after my blog post about being so engorged at the wedding a few months ago, so I took her advice and bought one for this trip. I used it tonight, and have to say that it's awesome!

And finally, I can't end this post without a picture of Finn - this time with his picture with Santa. The guys taking the picture was so great - he kept Finn's attention while I put him in Santa's lap, so he didn't even know who was holding him until well after this picture was taken. Isn't this guy the best Santa ever?

Mastitis is a Bitch

2011-11-28T22:06:00.001-05:00

Sunday I took Finn to meet Santa and get his picture taken - but that's a story for another post. Finn ate some pears for breakfast yesterday around 10 (he nurses at night around 4am, and is never interested in eating again until 9-10) and then we ran some errands. We didn't make it to meet Santa until around two, and I fed him again right before we went in. He ate a lot less than usual, and I noticed that I was tender on that side, but figured he'd just gone too long between feedings and I was engorged.

By the time we left the mall, I was feeling awful. All I wanted was to lie down. Once we got home I took some Tylenol and developed chills as soon as we got in the bed to nap. I checked my temperature about an hour later and it was 99.7. I kept trying to get Finn to feed from that right breast, but he wouldn't feed for long, even when it was clear he was still hungry. I probably should have pumped then, but I felt so awful, it didn't even occur to me.

My fever broke in the middle of the night, but Finn still wouldn't feed off that right side. I was less achy this morning but still felt pretty horrible, and spent the morning looking forward to my pump session. And when I did pump, I noticed a little bead of something thick and yellow on my nipple when I was done *warning, this gets a little gross* and when I squeezed, more gunk came out. I expressed tons of nasty stuff, just from one duct. It seriously looked like snot was coming out of my breast. The other ducts were spurting out milk just fine, so fine I ended up with sprays of milk all over my desk before it occurred to me to put a tissue over myself to keep that from happening.

I felt a million times better after getting all that purulent (never write the word "pussy" when trying to describe something that was pus like, it never looks right) material out, and thought maybe I was in the clear. But then I started to feel awful again a few hours later. So I broke down and got antibiotics. I hate the risk of a yeast infection from them, but I really have no choice. Has anyone ever truly had success with taking probiotics with antibiotics?

I came home and got Nanny M to stay a little longer so I could take a hot shower and express more nastiness. Once she left I made myself some oatmeal for dinner, and found myself crying on the floor with Finn while waiting for my water to boil. I have not felt this bad since I was in labor. I'm not in the same type of miserable pain, but I feel like absolute crap. Oh, it would be so nice to have someone taking care of me right now.

I pumped on that side while Finn took a bath, and then expressed more goop - much less than earlier, which hopefully is a good sign. I tried to sleep, but I've got a nasty headache, too, and can't get comfortable. Which is just annoying, since all I want to do is get in bed. Maybe I'll take some ibuprofen and get an ice pack for my neck and crawl in bed again. I need to get up at midnight to take my next antibiotic, and I think I'll pump again then to keep the gross stuff moving out.

Once I'm feeling better, I'm going to have to come up with a much better plan for nursing and pumping on the weekends. I'm certain I brought this on myself; a week or so ago I even had the thought that I was going to end up in trouble with the way my nursing schedule is so different on the weekends, since I don't pump then. I should have listened to myself. Mastitis is a bitch.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T21:36:00.001-05:00

Finn and I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house today. It was crazy, and awful, and fun and all that Thanksgiving should be.

J did a great job of planning the timing of things - she has ordered a turkey already made, so all that needed to be done with that was heating it in the oven. As soon as it was in the oven, we started on the prep work for the potatoes and the dressing. We decided to use the Food Network' mix and match dressing recipe (you can find it here but I like the way they have it laid out as a list in their magazine better); for our bread we used challah bread, then added pears and apples, pancetta, gruyere cheese and gouda - it was amazingly good. We also did a medley of roasted potatoes: sweet potatoes, red potatoes, purple potatoes and Yukon gold. Last night I made a homemade apple pie (with gala, pink lady and braeburns - yummy!), so dessert was one thing we didn't have to worry about.

Our plan was to share the prep work, and at first that went well, as Finn played happily on the floor and her boys napped. Then Finn got fussy and I had to take him to D's room to nap. He stayed asleep for about 30 minutes, then was up again, but unhappy and needed constant attention. I finally got him to go to sleep again, but he didn't sleep long again, and woke up just before it was time to eat. Which meant that dinner was eaten with me holding him.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. My sister ended up doing most of the cooking (I did chop up two apples and all of the celery) while my brother-in-law watched football and complained about anything she asked him to do to help out with the boys. He's usually really great (he's even changed Finn's diapers more than once) so I have no idea why he was being so annoying. But whatever the reason, the two older boys got more and more wound up through out the day, while my sister worked in the kitchen and bickered with her husband who was doing his almighty best to be a pain in the ass.

And then it was time to transfer the turkey from the roasting pan to the serving plate, a job B actually volunteered to do. I was helping the boys arrange their chairs in the dining room when I heard a crash, followed by swearing. The turkey and all its juices were on the floor. B burned his hands trying to pick it up, my sister was trying not to cry, the kids were asking if the turkey was broken and I made things worse by laughing. I couldn't help it.

Luckily, the turkey was salvageable, and the rest of the food was delicious. The boys made a mess with their Thanksgiving dinner while Finn chowed down on pears (in his mesh feeder), and I ate one handed with my plate out of Finn's reach, and my sister and her husband ignored each other.

D (the 4 year old) declared he was thankful for his brother and for Finn - and then went on to say he was thankful for everything in the world - except salad. And broccoli.

I'm thankful for my family, even when they're dysfunctional. I'm thankful for the miracle that is my little boy, and thankful that he's celebrating Thanksgiving in good health. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for all of you reading right now. And I'm thankful for the piece of pie in the kitchen that's calling my name.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Food Wars

2011-11-17T22:03:00.001-05:00

Loving the carrots

I never thought we'd have a hard time getting Finn on solid foods. (And by we, I mean me and Nanny M.) He's been watching us eat for over a month, and even making chewing motions with his mouth when I'd start chewing. Everything goes straight into his mouth as soon as he picks it up, and he's 20 pounds at 6 months and has two teeth. All signs it's time for solid food, right?

I thought the hardest thing was going to be deciding what foods to give him. My pediatrician said a new food every 7 days, starting with rice cereal, then fruit and then add veggies. My friend's pediatrician said wait a day or two between new foods, start with rice cereal and then veggies and later add fruit. And then some of the references I read online suggested meat as baby's first food. It took me awhile, but I've finally realized that parenting is not an exact science. There are so many different recommendations from the experts because no one really knows what the right thing to do is. So my job is to do all the research, and then go with what feels right for Finn and hopefully not drive myself crazy in the process.

I expected the first few days of rice cereal to be a little weird for him, but I was sure that once we went to sweet potatoes, he'd be thrilled. Instead, he turned up his nose to everything. Oh, he'd eat a little at first, but within a few days he was turning his head away whenever Nanny M would put the spoon up to his face, and it only took him a day or two to figure out her tricks, so that he was sure to keep his mouth closed, no matter what she was doing to entice him into a big grin. Sweet potatoes didn't do it, and neither did prunes or bananas.

Mealtime isn't supposed to be a battle when they're young, and one thing the experts can agree on is you should never force a baby to eat when he clearly says he's done. Nanny M wondered if we should just hold off on the solid food for a while, and I was starting to agree with her. And then he got some very watery stools. Unfortunately, that immediately made me worry about the neuroblastoma. In some instances, neuroblastomas can make a substance called VIP that can cause watery diarrhea. He hadn't been tested for that because he didn't have diarrhea, but of course I had to worry that maybe I just hadn't noticed the diarrhea because he was getting breast milk, and had watery type stools anyway. But since we've stopped the rice cereal, the watery stools have stopped, so I think maybe it was just a food reaction. But that plus the difficulty in getting him to eat made me think we should wait awhile longer.

This weekend my sister suggested we give him a Mum Mum cracker. And he shocked me by eating the entire thing. So I tried giving him cut up pieces of banana - and let him feed himself (though the banana was too slippery for much to make it to his mouth) and he seemed to like what he was able to eat. I'd tried the same thing with sweet potatoes last week, but maybe it was just a little too soon into the whole solid food thing for him to be happy with anything.

Monday we broke out the mesh feeders and tried more banana. And he loved it! Yesterday he tried steamed carrots in the mesh feeder - and these were by far his favorite food yet. Today Nanny M gave him baby oatmeal, and as long as she let him feed himself (VERY messy!) he was happy and ate it all up! It turns out my boy wants to feed himself. It seems like he's too young to be this opinionated, but I guess he's not!

I've just downloaded a book about baby led weaning - the feeding philosophy that centers around not giving babies purees at all, instead giving them bite sized pieces of solid food from the very beginning. I'm hoping Finn will do some purees, just because there are so many fun things we can make, but it looks like I'm going to have to learn how to safely let him feed himself without always relying on the mesh feeder.

I'm really glad I decided not to spend $150 on one of those fancy baby food makers. And I guess it's time I invest in a splat mat for my dining room floor.

Weekend Getaway

2011-11-13T21:45:00.001-05:00

Friday night, Finn and I packed up and headed out to the mountains for the weekend. I seriously had more things packed for two days away than I took with me for a two week trip to Africa a few years ago. I used to be so proud of what a light packer I could be when I needed to...oh, how times have changed!

It was dark by the time I got to the cabin that my sister had rented and the house was full with J and her boys, our parents and our favorite aunt and uncle. Finn had slept the whole drive there, so he was happy to be loved on by the relatives, and even seemed to enjoy the noise from the two older boys. It was all pretty overwhelming though, and when our parents and aunt and uncle left to go back to their rental, we were all ready for bed.

The rest of the weekend, spent with a 4 year old and an 18 month old, made me realize that even though I thought I was prepared to raise a boy, it's going to be more challenging and more fun than I ever imagined! Finn and his cousins woke up about the same time both mornings, and I could hear J giggling in her bedroom with her boys as I cuddled with mine. And then D (the 4 year old) was especially challenging the rest of the morning and had my sister so frazzled by the time we got to breakfast that D actually asked her, "Mommy, do you ever wish you didn't have children?" The extremes of parenthood, all in a few short hours.

Me with Finn and Ollie

J and the boys

Yesterday was a beautiful day in the mountains, and J, D, Finn and Dad decided to go up to Chimney Rock while Mom stayed at our cabin with Ollie, the 18 month old. We drove up to the entrance and the cheery girl at the booth said, "The elevator is currently down for servicing, so the only way to access the Rock is by walking. Is that ok?" Of course we said yes...then wondered if we were going to be able to make it.

D impressed us all by all but sprinting up the 400 steps that lead up to Chimney Rock. And I surprised myself by being able to make it, too, even with 20 pounds of baby strapped on to me. I was pretty winded, but at each break it didn't take me too long to catch my breath, which makes me hope that once I really start back to running it won't take me long to get back to being able to do 3-5 miles.

D and J on Chimney Rock

It was such a beautiful weekend, and so much fun to see the cousins interacting - Finn is fascinated by everything the two older boys do, and the boys enjoyed making Finn laugh. I'm so glad my sister lives so close that we get to see each other often, but I think we're going to have to make a habit out of little weekend trips, too.

The Cousins

11/11/11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

Holy Moly!

It's 11:11 on 11/11/11!

For the entire year before I had Finn, I somehow managed to catch the time at 11:11 most mornings and almost every night. And every time I did, I remembered to make my 11:11 wish. Now it's 11:11 on 11/11/11, which means the wishes made today must be extra powerful. So I'm saying a wish for myself, as well as for all of you reading - wishing for healthy, happy babies for all of us.

(I'm pretty sure this is a wish come true.)

Time for Solids

2011-11-08T21:57:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure how long it's going to last, but my life feels like it's changed dramatically since the time changed just two days ago. Until yesterday, my evening routine was playing with Finn until it was obvious he was tired, and then struggling to get him to go to sleep until he finally drifted off around 9-9:30. The rest of the evening was spent trying to get work done in between freezing milk and cleaning up. That usually didn't leave much time for healthy eating, or blogging or for anything fun, since I didn't usually finish paperwork until after 11.

But in the two days since the time change, Finn has fallen asleep (easily!) at 7:30 pm. I'm not sure what's so different - why it is that he falls asleep so easily the past two days - but it's wonderful. We cuddle, he falls asleep and I put him down and can come downstairs and get work done. I hate giving up the time with him that we had before...but I'm also loving the extra time. And feeling a little guilty for enjoying it so much.

But the big news this week is that Finn started solid food this week! Nanny M stayed a little late to help, and to video the whole thing. The rice cereal wasn't much of a hit - but after a few tries, it seems to be growing on him. I have a whole post about baby food to come, but tonight I'm going to take advantage of my free time and read some blogs.

Halloween!

2011-10-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

We didn't do anything for Halloween. We didn't go anywhere, or see anyone, and we had no trick or treaters. But that didn't keep me from dressing up Finn. In fact, I think I might have gotten a little carried away with Finn's Halloween outfits! But, in my defense, none of them were expensive.

Super cute onesie - $5 (at Target)

Puss n Boots - $3 (at consignment sale)

Lion - free (from a friend)

Kisses - Priceless (from Finn)

Happy Halloween!

The Eye Doctor and the Vet

2011-10-30T17:50:00.001-04:00

Finn had a follow-up with the ophthalmologist on Friday. She's pretty sure Finn's Horner's syndrome won't go away. And she confirmed that it involves the bottom eye lid, too. But if that's the worst thing that comes out of this whole nightmare, I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that! Besides, if it bothers him when he's older, he can always get plastic surgery to fix the eye droop. I'm hoping he'll like the two different eye colors. Though it looks to me like his right eye is changing just a little; in a few months the difference might not be as dramatic as it seems now.

Two weeks ago, I took Vagus to the vet to get his claw removed from the pad of his foot, and while he was there, the vet found a new heart murmur. His paw is fully healed now, but, based on last week's echocardiogram, he has mild heart failure. And based on his blood and urine tests, he has early kidney failure, too. He's 16 years old, so it's not a shocker, but it does make me sad. For now he's on a tiny dose of a blood pressure medication, and he has to go back in 6 months for an echocardiogram. Serial MRIs for Finn and serial echocardiograms for Vagus. Healthcare around here is a lot more complicated (and expensive) than I ever anticipated!

Vagus

Consult with the RE

2011-10-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

Future Blackmail Picture

In August I called my RE, Dr. M, for an appointment to discuss TTC #2, but then Finn had his first MRI and I forgot all about it. Until this week, when I realized that my appointment was today. It was weird, going into that office and not feeling a sense of anxiety or worry. I'm sure that I'll feel different the next time I go, but today was just to come up with a plan (I'm a planner), so I'd know where we stand, and so there were no nerves at all.

We first talked about baseline testing, and he recommended that we repeat the HSG. He didn't insist upon it, but said that sometimes weird things happen with c-sections (he's seen more than one case where a fallopian tube was twisted up away from the uterus) and that while it's unlikely, it makes sense to go ahead and get it checked just to be safe. That makes sense to me, so I agreed with that. Because of stupid laws and regulations, I have to get all my infectious disease testing done again (they won't take my word for it when I say there's no way I could have contracted syphilis, hep C or HIV in the past year). We discussed IVF, but he thinks it's reasonable to try at least a couple of IUIs using the same protocol that got me pregnant with Finn. I have two vials of Finn's donor's sperm in storage at the RE's office, so that sounds ok to me. I'm going to order a few more vials and have the cryobank keep those, so if I don't need them I can sell them back, but I won't have the possibility of running out of vials influencing any decisions I might have to make.

The plan is to do the HSG my first period after I've weaned Finn, along with a TSH and an AMH, and then with the next cycle after that we'll get Day 3 labs and go from there. I'm thinking that I'd like to try 2-3 IUIs before going on to IVF if my labs and antral follicle counts look ok, but if they're not so great, I may go straight to IVF if IUI #1 doesn't work. Though Dr. M said I shouldn't worry about that, "I fully expect you to get pregnant on the first try. I'll hold the threat of IVF over you to scare your body into getting pregnant." If only it were that easy!

Dr. M thinks I should start TTC after the holidays (!!!!) but I'm not sure I'm ready to try quite that soon. I'd really like to breastfeed Finn for a full year, especially since his immune system is doing such a great job killing off his neuroblastoma, and - while I realize I'm not getting any younger - I'm not sure if starting in January vs starting in May will make that big of a difference. We talked about TTC while still breastfeeding, but Dr. M thinks that prolactin from breastfeeding may keep Femara from being effective at stimulating follicle growth.

Of course, there's always the chance that Finn might wean himself before then - both of my sister's boys did - and if that happens, then I might move the calendar up some. He's such a boob boy, though, I don't see that happening!

It's hard to imagine having another. The thought is a little scary, but I know it's the right thing for me and Finn. This time last year I was pregnant. It's crazy to think that there's a chance that this time next year I could be pregnant again.

Finding Normal

2011-10-24T22:07:00.001-04:00

Showing off his battle scars

I woke up at 3am Friday morning, full of the dread that usually hits me in the middle of the night. Dread and worry for Finn. Then I realized - his tumor is shrinking. And the relief I felt then was pretty similar to what I felt when Dr. B told me the news the first time. Every second of every day since August 12 has been overshadowed by cancer - it was like there was this big, huge, suffocating blanket wrapped around me, muffling the outside world and taking the color out of everything, making it all grey. I smiled, I laughed, I had fun with Finn, but it was never without the thought of what his cancer was doing. My house was a mess. I ate fast food almost every day because the thought of cooking was too much to even consider. It was hard to find the energy to email friends, or to comment on blogs, and just about impossible for me to call people, even good friends, who'd called to offer their support. And when I did talk on the phone I'm sure I was a horrible conversationalist. At times I just couldn't get the words out - I just didn't have the energy.

I'm pretty sure most people understand, though there are a few friends who never called, or called me once and haven't reached out since, friends I would have thought would have made more of an effort. But I'm sure that some didn't want to be a bother, and others didn't realize that I wasn't calling them back because I didn't want to hear from them, but rather because I just didn't have it in me to call them back. And I'm sure that one or two didn't call just because they didn't know what to say. We've all probably been there before.

Now the suffocating blanket has been lifted. There is color back in the world, and while I still worry, it's not the all encompassing fear that consumed me before the results from his latest MRI. I can breathe again. This weekend I cleaned house. I put away the boxes that had been sitting on the dining room table - boxes I was keeping for Finn's stuff if we had to go back to the hospital. I transferred outgrown clothes to storage bins, paid bills and sorted through piles of unread mail. My house is still messy, but it's now manageable.

This week I'm hoping to catch up on my emails (which sadly might take me more than a week to get caught up on - I've gotten some wonderful emails over the past few months!), post more on my favorite discussion board and get all the way caught up on my blog commenting (I've been reading, but not commenting). I might even make a list of post ideas that have popped into my head the past few months.

By the time November gets here, it's possible I'll finally start to feel like the normal mom of a healthy 5 month old.

Wonderful News!

2011-10-20T12:27:00.002-04:00

We just got home from our post-MRI appointment with the pediatric oncologist, and the news is good! I was hoping to at least see the tumor was stable, but instead the MRI showed that it has shrunk - a LOT. At the last MRI (after surgery) the tumor measured 2.4 x 2.3 x 1.4 cm, and today it measures 2.2 x 1.1 x 0.6 cm, a decrease in volume of 80%! Words cannot describe the sense of relief I felt when the oncologist told me the good news. Every second of every day, even when I wasn't thinking about, I was still thinking about it.

Finn did so well with anesthesia - when I went back to get him in recovery he was sitting up, flirting with the nurses, and now he's happily playing next to me on the floor. And I'm taking a deep breath for the first time in 2 months.

The plan is to repeat his MRI in 3 months, and we'll probably continue to do regular MRIs for a while, along with abdominal ultrasounds and urine tests, just to be sure we're not missing anything. But we can handle that. After all Finn has already been through, another MRI is easy.

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers, and for the words of support via comments and emails. I don't know how I would have made it through the past few months without you all.

Rambling Post

2011-10-18T23:15:00.000-04:00

At the pumpkin patch

It wasn't Finn's cancer diagnosis that made me wish I was doing this with a partner - it's trying to deal with the continued craziness that several unexpected weeks away from work has left me that has me wishing I had a partner. I could really use just about 5 hours of uninterrupted time for paperwork - that would make my work life so much easier right now. Just 5 hours. But it's not going to happen - unless I'm willing to pay my nanny to help me out, and since I had to pay her extra tonight for an unplanned late night at work, and possibly for this weekend while I'm making rounds at the hospital, that's really not going to happen. If I'm going to pay her for extra time watching Finn, it's going to be for me to do something like getting a massage or going to a movie. I'm going to have to adjust to the idea that work will sometimes just have to wait.

The run of the mill, day to day life as a single parent is hard, too. I remember thinking about things like dinner meetings and late days at the office before Finn was born and wondering how'd I'd do it. I knew it would end up being expensive, but I never thought about how much coordination would be involved, or how much I'd miss him when I was away. I still haven't gotten used to the idea that I have to always think about someone else now when I make any plans, and that I will have to continue to do so for many years to come. It would be nice to have someone else that I could count on to share that burden.

But then someone who is married says to me, "I just don't know how you do it, I can't imagine parenting alone, it's so hard," and I realize, it's all about what you know. Yes, it's hard being a single mom. But being a married mom is hard, too. I'm really not sure I'd feel like things were any easier if I had a husband doing this along with me, because I wouldn't know anything else. And no matter what, the rewards make it all worthwhile. There is nothing in the world like coming home and having that little face light up when I walk in the room. Every time I cuddle with my boy, I realize I am truly blessed.

And I am lucky enough to have my sister and her family close by to share things with. I love that the cousins will grow up playing together and knowing each other well. D, the oldest, has plans of thing he's going to teach Oliver and Finn, and loves playing the big brother/cousin role. This weekend we went to a local farm for the afternoon; it was a beautiful warm fall day and we so much fun. At one point, we all got drinks and snacks and went over to a secluded picnic table to eat, and when we sat down I realized Finn was hungry. I asked Finn if he wanted to eat, and D responded for him: "Everyone is going to see your boobie!" There's nothing like a 4 year old boy. Except maybe a 40 year old boy.

Three boys in one shot - I gave up trying to get them to all look at me!

Finn

Finn's next MRI is this Thursday morning. We have his MRI at 7, then an ultrasound of his abdomen at the oncology office followed by an appointment with the oncologist. I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now - hopeful, scared, sad, anxious - I can't wait until Thursday is over.

Naps and Schedules

2011-10-09T17:39:00.002-04:00

Cute consequence of no nap schedule

Finn is halfway on a schedule - the schedule that revolves around my work schedule. He still does most of his eating once I get home, so he's usually hungry as soon as I walk through the door. He eats again around 8pm, and usually falls asleep while eating, and then he wakes up again sometime between 10-11 to eat, and that's usually when I go to bed. He wakes up around 7 every morning (though I can occasionally convince him to go back to sleep, like I did this morning), and his first nap of the day is about 2 hours later.

The rest of the day? One big guessing game. We generally know when he's tired, but there's no rhyme or reason to when, and sometimes (like the picture from Nanny M illustrates) he just conks out with no warning at all. Which makes it hard to plan things on the weekend. I've always said I don't want to let having a child keep me from doing things I want to do, but I'm also aware that, at this age, I need to schedule my day and activities around him. But if he doesn't have a regular schedule, how do I do that?

Which leads me to right now, blogging when I should be on my way to dinner with some local SMCs because Finn is sound asleep in my lap. Since his other two naps today were each only 30 minutes, I hate to wake him up, and he won't stay asleep once I put him in his car seat. Part of me wants to go ahead and wake him up and go anyway. He almost always wakes up cheerful, even when his nap is interrupted - and I'm really hungry and don't want to cook dinner! But, there have been a few other days the past few weeks where he hasn't napped much, and those days led to nights of poor sleep, and I have too much going on next week to start the week out tired. Which means I'm not moving until he wakes up.

As I sit here (hungry) I wonder if I should get Nanny M to work on getting him on more of a schedule. I don't really see any cues from him during the day that he wants to be more regimented, but it would be easier for me. Any suggestions? Maybe once he starts solid food, and there's another "event" during the day to anchor his day, he'll just naturally fall into a nap schedule.

I'm ending this post with my new favorite video, taken last night:

Flying with Finn

2011-10-05T22:47:00.000-04:00

Heidi, Anabel, Finn and Mindy

Finn and I traveled to Connecticut this weekend for the wedding of our friends Mindy and Josh. It was Finn's first flight, and we lucked out with a first class upgrade on the way up there. The flight was wonderful, especially since the (male) gay couple in front of us had their 8 month old twins with them too (can you imagine the dismay the other passengers felt when they saw there were three babies in front?) All three babies were absolutely wonderful; at one point all three babies were laughing as they were being bounced on various laps, causing the man next to me to comment, "It's like a US Airways commercial in here!"

In preparation for the weekend I spent hours researching flying with babies on the internet, and the best resource I out there is a post I read earlier this year on Natalie's blog - if you have any plans to ever fly with a baby you must read it, and then do every single thing she says. The one thing I didn't do was check my Sit n Stroll at the ticket counter; a friend lent it to me, and I didn't want to mess it up, so I took it through security and checked it at the gate. My left forearm is covered in bruises from all the times I had to pull the wheels in and then push them back out again, and dealing with it (even though I practiced multiple times with Finn in the seat) was the worst part of traveling. For our next trip I'm investing in a car seat cover so I can send it on through with my suitcase and not deal with the hassle of the stupid thing.

Friday night was Margarita Friday at Mindy and Josh's, and the house was full of their family and friends. For the rest of the night (and again on Sunday when they had brunch at their house) the only time I held Finn was when he was ready to eat. He is officially over his separation anxiety, because it didn't bother him one bit to have so many different people holding him over the course of the weekend.

The night of the wedding I made an huge rookie mistake. I had debated taking my breast pump with me to pump during the day on Saturday and Sunday. Finn eats so much more at night than he does during the day, and I typically pump about 10 more ounces a day than he eats, so I tend to get a little full on the weekends. But it's not awful, so I decided it wasn't worth the effort of taking the pump with me. What didn't occur to me was the fact that I'd be at the wedding during Finn's prime feeding time. Like I said, rookie mistake. We left for the wedding a little after 5, and Finn snacked just a little before we left. By the time dinner was over, my boobs were so engorged I thought they might explode right there at the table. I ended up going to the men's bathroom (the line for the women's was too long) and expressing milk into the sink, all the while imagining what I'd say if the lock failed and a man walked in and found me hanging over the sink, boob in hand.

Luckily I was uninterrupted, and was then able to enjoy a few hours of socializing and dancing before misery hit again. By this point I was also feeling anxious about leaving Finn with a new babysitter for so long, and then wondering how I'd turned into one of "those moms" who didn't want to leave her kid for more than a few hours. I seriously never thought that would be me. I couldn't bare the thought of going back to the bathroom to express more milk, and by that point dancing was pretty uncomfortable, so the last bit of what was a really fun wedding wasn't quite so fun. But then I got distracted by helping to clean up a little, and then finally it was time to head back to the hotel, where I'd discovered that I'd soaked through my breast pads and my bra (thank goodness I was wearing black so it didn't show!) and realized I'd made rookie mistake #2 and only brought one bra. What was I thinking?

Despite the mammary mishap, the whole weekend was so fun. We haven't seen Heidi since Finn was 5 or 6 weeks old, so not only was it wonderful to see her, it was also nice to not be single mom for the weekend, since she was such a big help with Finn. I had the longest shower I've had in months, and not once did I have to pee while holding a baby.

Strangely enough, the travel this weekend also made everything seem more normal again. Weird that leaving home for a few days would make me feel more myself, but by the end of the weekend, that's exactly what happened. And that's a very good thing.

Roll Over!

2011-09-29T23:37:00.000-04:00

Finn reached a huge milestone this week - he turned over from tummy to back and from back to tummy! The tummy to back happened for the first time with the nanny, but I was prepared for the second time and actually caught it with my camera. He's now done it repeatedly, every time he's put down for tummy time. (Have I ever mentioned how much he hates tummy time?)

You think you can subject me to tummy time?

Watch this!

Oh this is harder than it looks!

Phew!

Who's the king of rolling over?

The rolling over from back to front was an accident (see above mention of hating tummy time). He was on his side already, and just rolled on over. He has tried to replicate the move a couple of times because he was trying to get closer to the cat, but he hasn't quite mastered that skill yet.

And then tonight he sat up on his own, with no assistance, for a full 10 seconds. I looked around for someone to tell, but (one of the drawbacks of being single) no one else was there. I have plenty of people I could have called or texted, but we were in the middle of getting ready for bed. And then I did talk to Heidi and my sister after that and forgot to tell either one of them. How is it possible to be so excited about something one second, and then completely forget about it the next?

Vagus just jumped in my lap, and I noticed one of his claws looked a little funny. They're all much longer than usual, and I have tried repeatedly over the past year to clip them because of that, but he wouldn't let me. He doesn't usually, but this past year he's hissed and bit at me whenever I've tried. Tonight I noticed that one of his claws is growing into the pad of his foot! There's a big clump of litter on it, which is why I noticed it in the first place. I can't believe I never saw it all the times I tried to clip his claws this year, but that's probably why he's been so violent whenever I've tried. Poor Vagus. I bet his limping is all from his foot, too, and not arthritis, like I thought it was.

Follow-Up with the Surgeon

2011-09-27T22:37:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all your words of support after my last post. I'm feeling better the past few days, thanks to what you all had to say, as well as a few good things that have happened in the past week.

I found a workout that does a lot to burn off some of that anxious energy, almost as good as a long run would: a long walk with Finn strapped into my Becco carrier. Wow, my heart rate was up, I was short of breath and I had a nice long snuggle with my boy, all at the same time! I've really been missing my workouts, so this is a huge discovery for me.

Then the oncologist called me on Friday to tell me she'd heard from another specialist, this one at Stanford, who agreed with the plan to just watch Finn's tumor with serial MRIs. Two out of three specialists agree - this is the plan to go with.

Finn had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon today, which was the icing on my cake for the week (and it's only Tuesday!) Turns out, the surgeon actually trained with the oncologist from Seattle who recommended that Finn get another biopsy, and he said that she always wants more tissue - she always recommends another biopsy when there's any question of what to do next. Knowing that this is her usual advice makes me feel much better about not following her recommendation. Is that twisted logic or rational logic? I just don't know anymore.

What made me feel even better was what the surgeon said would happen if Finn did have to have another surgery. He said that he'd have to take the entire nerve (the ganglion) that is involved, possibly making his Horner's Syndrome worse, and ensuring that it would never get better. That's not so bad, Finn looks kind of cute with a droopy eye, but what's bad is the fact that he'd also have to try to get tissue from the part of the tumor that's around the brachial plexus - which would risk damaging the nerves that control Finn's right arm. And that would be bad. The surgeon reiterated the fact that infants tend to do really well with this cancer, so the chance of the tumor growing isn't worth risking permanent damage to get more tissue right now.

Today my anxiety is manageable. It's still there, but I don't feel like I'm about to drown because of it. Especially when Finn is such a happy boy.

Crazy Worry

2011-09-21T23:10:00.001-04:00

My mind is a jumbled mess these days and the post that follows makes that amazingly obvious. Perhaps I should consider getting a prescription for Xan.ax. Or maybe I need a vacation. Too bad I don't have any vacation time left.

I feel like I have been on overdrive for weeks. The daily stress of what the next step is going to be with Finn has passed, and now I'm immersed in various work projects that take up my time during the day and at night after he's gone to sleep. I'm so far behind in everything I need to get done and am feeling a lot overwhelmed (I should be doing work right now, but I just had to take a break).

This is on top of the constant worry I have in the back of my head about what the next MRI is going to show. What if it's gotten bigger or spread? Is waiting really the right thing to do? Is this just the calm before the storm or is the worst already behind us? What if things get a lot worse, and the unthinkable happens? I've had more than one near panic attack thinking of the possibility that Finn won't make it through this. I'm hoping that some of this worry will ease off once his next MRI is done, but then I worry that even if the next one is ok, what will the one after that show?

I'm usually not a worrier, and this whole "mom worry" thing was foreign to me to begin with, but add the cancer worry into the mix and I really don't know how to handle suddenly being a constant worrier. My anxiety seems to be the worst during the day when I'm pumping. I don't know why that is - maybe because that's when I miss Finn the most? Or maybe it's one of the few times during the day that I'm alone and it's quiet. As much as milk supply can be affected by emotions, I'm amazed that my milk supply isn't diminished at all by the amount of anxiety I feel during that time.

Overall I do a good job of putting on a happy face. My nurse knows I'm not doing as well as I act like I am, but I don't think anyone else does. Hopefully my patients don't realize when I'm feeling ridiculously annoyed with them, especially those who don't know what's been going on the past 6 weeks. I don't know why it's so important to me to put on the brave face, but there are times I feel like giving in and having a meltdown in the middle of my office.

Finn is doing just fine. More than fine, he's thriving. He wakes up smiling and babbles and coos constantly (occasionally waking up at 4am to have long conversations with either Vagus the cat, or my pillow, I'm not sure which). He watches everything I do intently, puts everything in his mouth, is fascinated by the cats and loves bathtime and listening to me sing. Last night I noticed that he could no longer straighten his legs in his size 6 month footed sleepers. How could a 4 month old who is wearing 9 month sleepers and weighs 18 pounds possibly have cancer, much less a cancer that could even consider spreading?

And yet I can't help but worry. While hating how neurotic I've become.

Message from Finn

2011-09-16T20:28:00.000-04:00

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I think I'd be a lot happier if I had no reason to know this, but since I do, here's a link to Alex's Lemonade Stand and a list of things you can do to help in the fight against this disease.

And in honor of the month, Finn has a message he'd like to share with everyone, in the way only an 18 pound 4-month-old who is kicking cancer's ass can:

A Decision Made

2011-09-14T22:01:00.002-04:00

Dr. Maris - the neuroblastoma guru - has looked at Finn's history and given his recommendation. And that recommendation is no chemo and no surgery for now, just observation! Based on the location of the tumor and the fact that what the surgeon did get was completely necrotic, he believes the risk of the surgery far outweighs any potential risk of watching and waiting.

To say I'm relieved would be an understatement! I was preparing myself for another surgery - and to pack up and take Finn somewhere to get it, and I was really dreading it. I know there's still a chance that one of his future MRIs might show a change for the worse, and surgery might still be in our future. But right now everything looks good and there are no major medical interventions in the next month. A world renowned expert believes that serial MRIs are the way to go, and plan that makes sense to me. I'm still going to worry, of course, but for now I'm going to try very hard to live in the moment, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

As I catch up with work, I'm hoping I'll have more time to read and comment on blogs - I've been keeping up with everyone, but I miss being able to comment regularly. I'm hoping I'll have a little time to read books again, and I'm hoping I'll have lots of time to play with Finn without a cloud of constant worry over my head.

You all have no idea how much your comments over the past month have meant to me. The words of support really have kept me going and I will forever be thankful for them!

A Little News from the Oncologist

2011-09-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

Finn at 4 months

Thanks to a series of unfortunate events, I'm still waiting to hear from Dr. Maris at CHOP. But I finally talked to Finn's oncologist today and at least have some new information. While she was waiting for Dr Maris, she sent Finn's information to another neuroblastoma expert, Dr. Parks in Seattle. Her recommendation was that we get another biopsy, which would mean another big surgery for Finn. This is something that Dr. Bolen had said might be necessary early on, but the surgeon said he thought he'd gotten the best specimen he could (and the pathologists agreed it was a good sized specimen), and he didn't want to go back in, since it would mean trying to get tumor that was in a more delicate location.

I understand why Dr. Parks recommends another biopsy. To start with, we still don't have an absolute definite diagnosis of neuroblastoma. But more than that - we don't know how aggressive a tumor it is, if it is a neuroblastoma. It's not unheard of to just watch a neuroblastoma that hasn't spread yet in an infant, but in all those cases they know that the cancer has what's called a "favorable histology" - and we don't know if that's what Finn has. If we could do another biopsy and it showed favorable histology, we'd know that just watching was the right thing to do. And if comes back as "unfavorable histology" we'd know he needed chemo, because that has a high risk of spreading.

But, on the other hand, the surgeon got 30% of the tumor and it was all necrotic. What's not to say that the rest of it is necrotic, too and that it really is dying on its own? I'd hate to do another surgery if Finn doesn't really need it. And the oncologist agreed with me, but then went on to point out that we might be missing something by waiting. Her words, "I don't want to miss something, but at the same time I can't help but remember the golden rule of medicine 'First, do no harm.'" It's such a grey area, that it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

I really did not expect to get the opinion that other surgery was needed. I don't know why, but that was something I'd just put out of my mind. I was so thrown for a loop after talking to her this afternoon, I have no idea how I managed to get through the rest of the day seeing patients. I talked to my sister on my way home from work, and cried some while I did, which surprisingly did help me feel a little better.

Being in limbo sucks ass. I'm more upset and stressed out now than I was when we were in the hospital - I'm constantly filled with a sense of dread, I'm having horrible nightmares and a daily headache. I don't want to hear that Finn needs another surgery, or that he needs chemo, but at this point just knowing what needs to be done would be so much better than this constant state of anxious waiting.

I really hope Dr. Maris gets back to my oncologist soon. And then I hope we can quickly come up with a plan. The one thing I do know for sure is that if surgery is our next step, I'm taking Finn somewhere like Sloan-Kettering or CHOP for the surgery. I didn't feel the need to take him somewhere else for a second opinion on medical management, but if another surgery is needed, I really think taking him to a surgeon who the neuroblastoma experts use is the thing to do.

Still Waiting

2011-09-08T22:11:00.001-04:00

Waking up from post-MRI nap

Finn was a champ with his MRI yesterday. They called me back to recovery around 9am, and we were home and getting into bed for a post MRI nap by 10am. He was happy and cheerful the entire rest of the day, which made my recovery a whole lot easier! We're still waiting to hear back from the expert at CHOP, and I haven't heard anything about the MRI, so I'm guessing that means it was ok. We weren't really expecting to see much more than it being a little smaller after the surgery, so no news means that was the case.

Tonight I had Nanny M stay late and I went out to dinner at a really expensive restaurant that I didn't have to pay for and had a wonderful glass of red wine - my first since I tried red wine to induce labor back in May. Which means that was my second glass of wine in 14 months. I probably shouldn't have had it, or should have drank it faster so there'd be the requisite 2 hours between wine intake and nursing (instead of just an hour from when I finished it), but I didn't. I figure, I did everything right during pregnancy and my baby still got cancer - one glass of wine probably isn't going to hurt anything, right?

Dinner was actually a drug rep talk, but it was a round table discussion, which meant that after we did the business of talking about the drug, we were able to socialize. It was all women with young children (including the woman who first gave me the idea of Finn as a name) so we had a really nice time. It was my first dinner out without Finn since he was born, and while I missed him terribly, it was nice to go out and just be an independent adult for awhile. I don't have any interest in going out without him on a regular basis, but once every month or so might be nice.

MRI #3

2011-09-07T07:43:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the surgical waiting room, waiting for Finn to get his MRI. He wasn't supposed to eat for 6 hours before our appointment, but we all know that a breast fed baby's stomach is completely empty by 4 hours, so I just lied to the anesthesiologist. I set my alarm for 2 and fed Finn then - he was sound asleep so I had to work on waking him up first, which meant he didn't actually finish eating until 2:30. Which means that he was without food for 4.5 hours before his anesthesia. I'm such a rebel.

It was still dark when we got to the hospital this morning, and due to a clerical error we had to wait a little longer than usual, but finally we were brought back by Alison, who we know from his last MRI. The nurse was also someone we already know, and Finn actually seemed happy to see her. When I finished lying to anesthesia, they were ready for him. The nurse wrapped him in a warm blanket and then took him from me, pausing to look into my eyes and say, "We'll take good care of him."

He watched me over her shoulder as she carried him back to the MRI with a happy little look on his face like, "C'mon Mom! This'll be fun!" I really hope he stayed happy after he realized I wasn't going with him. And I really hope they sedate him before they start his IV, because I know how much that hurts and how much he hates it.

Of course I cried on the elevator up to the waiting room. And I'm trying not to cry now. I guess it's time I face it, no matter how many tests and procedures he gets, I'm still going to dread every single one, and wish that I could take the pain for him, or wish that I could least explain why people keep hurting him.

Life Right Now

2011-09-05T22:14:00.000-04:00

I have a million ideas for blog entries swirling around inmy head, but they’re swirling so much I can’t settle on just one rightnow. So instead, I’m just going to blogabout life right now.

Being back at work last week was rough on Finn and meboth. Finn has been having a lot ofseparation anxiety and been incredibly needy, wanting to be held almost all thetime. This weekend I did get him to playon the floor and in his exersaucer, but he really wanted me to be right therenext to him almost the entire time, which makes it difficult to get anythingdone. He’s even gone from being happywith anyone holding him, to wanting only me. BB brought me (an incredibly yummy) dinner this afternoon and he was happy with her holdinghim for a little while, but started to get fussy much sooner than he usuallywould, especially with me sitting right beside him. Another friend that Finn knows well came overfor a visit this weekend, and he had an absolute meltdown when I left the roomwhile she was holding him. I know he’sbeen through a lot the past few weeks, but it seems so early for him to be havingany separation anxiety!

Finn looks so happy and healthy and normal – it’s still hard for me to believe that he has cancer. The prognosis is great (90% survival rate at 5 years) but that means 1out of 10 doesn’t make it. There’snothing about Finn’s case that makes me think he would be in that 10%, butthat’s still the fear that lingers. Imanage not to dwell on it too much, but by avoiding thinking about it, I findmyself struck with paralyzing fear at the most unexpected times – when out on awalk and having a random stranger comment on how cute he is, when singing hisfavorite song to him, or when looking at him asleep in my arms.

Before his first MRI, I’d planned on working on getting himused to sleeping alone, at least back in the cosleeper for part of the night,and I’d planned on trying to start putting him down before he’s fullyasleep. But now I find that I don’t wanthim anywhere but right beside me at night, and I’m still rocking or nursing himto sleep, and then keeping him with me while I do my paperwork for work beforebed. Am I spoiling him? Am I making things easier for me now, butharder for the future when he won’t go to sleep without me?

Despite his new insecurities, Finn is still a happy baby alot of the time. I finally managed toget him laughing on video – I still haven’t captured his belly laugh, but thoseare still few and far between. Thestrangest things make him laugh – when I took this video it was me saying “lalalala”that he thought was funny. Yesterday itwas me singing Justin Bieber that did it - and me singing anything is really worthy of a good laugh, so at least that one made sense.

News from the Oncologist

2011-09-01T21:51:00.000-04:00

The pediatric oncologist called today with the pathology results from the neuroblastoma lab. She said that all the tissue they received was necrotic - there weren't enough live cells to do the genetic testing on to make a definite diagnosis of neuroblastoma. So while we're fairly certain that it's neuroblastoma, all the pathologists can say is that the tumor "favors neuroblastoma", but they don't have any specimen that is good enough to be able to make a definitive diagnosis.

She has a call in to the surgeon, but based on what he said after the initial pathology results came in, she doesn't think that another surgery to get more tissue would be helpful. The surgeon thinks he got the best specimens he could and doesn't think he could get anything better by doing more surgery.

So the oncologist has sent all the information she has on Finn to Dr. Maris, a neuroblastoma expert at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) to get his opinion on what we should do next. Her feeling is that without an absolute definite diagnosis, we should hold off on chemotherapy, especially since it looks like the tumor might be dying on its own, anyway.

Dr. Maris might feel differently though, and since he's the guru, I'm going to go with whatever his recommendation ends up being. Which means there's a chance we might still end up with chemo. But for right now, I'm going to allow myself to be optimistic that we're just going to be doing some watchful waiting for a while!

If we don't do chemo, Finn will get an MRI next week to act as a post-surgery baseline, and then another MRI in about 4-6 weeks to see if there's been any change. Funny how just 3 weeks ago, general anesthesia for an MRI was the worst thing I could imagine, and now our current plan of two more MRIs in the next month or so is good news!

I'm really looking forward to the upcoming long weekend. I'm exhausted and ready for a few days off. I have a few blog posts I want to work on, a LOT of blog commenting to do (I've been reading, but not commenting much) and tons of emails to respond to. I can't think of any better way to spend the weekend right now than holding Finn as he naps and spending time doing just that. Unless it's napping right along with him.

Finn the Burrito

2011-08-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

These past few days at home have been lovely andexhausting. After two weeks of being in the hospital, Finn is sufferingfrom some pretty significant separation anxiety and doesn't want me toput him down at all. My parents were here until this morning, but theyweren't really much help, since Finn only wants me to hold him. So myhouse is a mess, I have laundry that needs to be done, and did I mention myhouse is a mess? Finn is mostly happy(when he’s being held), but he’s had a few horrifying sleep terrors that breakmy heart. I know he isn’t awake, but hescreams like he did after getting his IV put in last week, and it’s almostimpossible to comfort him. When he’sawake I’m trying to make him feel secure and loved as much as possible, and Ireally hope that’s enough to get him over this.

Remember how I was so worried about getting a nanny? I am now sothankful I went the nanny route instead of going with daycare. M has beensuch a huge and enormous help. She stayed with us while Finn was waitingfor surgery and kept him fairly happy when he was hungry, while I walked thefloors with my doula (all that time with laboring women has made her reallygood with moms under stress - I'm so glad she offered to come and spend timewith me). M came up to the hospital every day, picked things up from thehouse when I needed them, fed the cats, and basically made sure I could focuson being there with Finn or could get away for fresh air when I needed a break. Finn is happy with her, too, so I’m not overly worried about how he’sgoing to do when I go back to work tomorrow.

It’ll probably be the end of the week before we get the pathology resultsfrom the reference lab. In the meantime,it really does appear that this tumor is the only one – his bone scan wasnegative on Thursday. We ended up beingable to do it without anesthesia; the tech wrapped him up like a burrito andput him in the scanner and got great pictures. I know Finn was scared at first, but after the first few minutes I wasable to rub his head, and I talked to him the whole time, and he actually fellasleep towards the end. I would havebeen happier if he didn’t have to have it, but at least we were able to do itwithout exposing him to general anesthesia for the fifth time in two weeks.

The prognosis is still very good, but I’m still living in a constantstate of fear. I’m so thankful for allthe prayers, words of comfort, research study information and prayer requestson blogs (and elsewhere) that you all have given me and Finn.

Wednesday Update

2011-08-24T22:14:00.002-04:00

Finn yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day for little Finn. He hurt from his surgery and his chest tube, and the chest tube and IVs made it hard to move him easily or hold him and nurse him. He still woke up with a little smile on his face, though, and by the end of the day was interested in playing with some of his toys for a little bit (thanks to a lot of Tylenol and a little morphine). He slept fairly well last night and this morning, until we had to go downstairs for a chest x-ray. He didn't like the x-ray, but the results were good, and a little after noon, the surgeon came in and took out his chest tube and the IV line he had in his femoral vein. Finn was much happier after than, and even more so once we were able to take all the monitors off of him.

He has to get a bone scan tomorrow (the one he was supposed to get last week, but nuclear medicine wanted to postpone it). He won't be able to eat after 7ish, he'll get an injection of the tracer for the bone scan at 8:30, and then the scan is at 11. He'll have to have general anesthesia for this test (which will be the 5th time he's had general anesthesia in 2 weeks), but the scan should only be about an hour, so hopefully he won't feel too badly after it's done. The best part is, after the scan, we get to go home!

The preliminary pathology from the tumor is a little - well, a lot - weird. It looks like it's a neuroblastoma, but a lot of the tumor was necrotic (dead) tissue, which is not typically seen in neuroblastomas. They saved the best part of the specimen to send off to a special lab with a pathologist who specializes in neuroblastoma. He'll look at the slides and do genetic testing on the tumor and with that will be able to confirm the diagnosis of neuroblastoma. The big question is - what do we do now? Dr B has never seen a case that looks like this, with most of the tumor consisting of dead or dying tissue, so she isn't sure what the next step should be. Her plan is to enlist the aid of some of the national experts in neuroblastoma once we have the information from the reference lab, to see if this is something any of them have seen before, and to help us come up with a plan of what to do next.

I'm not exactly sure what this means, except that we won't be starting chemotherapy right away. Instead we have at least a week, but probably two, before we have a plan and can get started with the next step. I'm going to go back to work next week, which is good, since I have absolutely no leave left, and these two weeks off have been without pay (thank goodness for the savings account I have that was earmarked for TTC #2); but also bad, because I really don't ever want to leave my boy again after what he's been through so far.

Finn's next to me, fighting sleep. I think I'm going to lie down with him and see if we can both get a good night's sleep, now that he's unhooked from all the tubes and wires.

Surgery Report

2011-08-22T22:29:00.003-04:00

Finn finally got out of surgery around 5:15 or so, but I didn't get to see him until after 6:30, and he didn't eat until we were back in the room, around 7:30. That's 12 hours without food! The good news is that he made it through surgery without any major complications, and is back in our room and currently asleep in my lap - chest tube and all. About an hour ago I was pumping on one side while he fed on the other, trying to balance the bottle I was pumping into between his chest tube and my body - definitely not something I ever imagined doing.

The bad news is they couldn't get the whole tumor. The surgeon said it extended more into the neck than he expected based on the MRI, and while he could have tried to get as much in the neck as he could see, he was afraid he'd end up damaging something important in the neck. In addition, the tumor was attached to the subclavian artery (I think, it might have been the vein) and a couple of nerves. If he'd tried to remove it all, there's a good chance Finn would have ended up with permanent nerve damage or a lot of bleeding, which just isn't worth it, since his chance of a cure with chemo is so high. The frozen section sent to pathology during surgery confirmed the diagnosis of neuroblastoma, but we won't know the specifics for sure until the final pathology is back; the oncologist said we should get at least an early read on the pathology tomorrow.

This isn't the news I'd hoped for, but the important thing right now is that Finn made it through surgery just fine. I was so scared the whole time he was back, but he did even better than expected, since he's well enough to be in a regular room with me, instead of the PICU! I'm going to focus on that right now, and worry about what happens next once we actually have a plan.

Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers, and for the prayer requests on your blogs. I could definitely feel them today, and I hope Finn could, too.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

2011-08-22T16:02:00.002-04:00

Finn this morning

I took Finn down to surgery at 1 (eastern), but they didn't actually get started until 3! The surgeon said to anticipate 1.5-2 hours, so there's still a while to go. They have been great about calling with updates, so at least I knew that it was delayed. I hope Finn wasn't awake all that time; the poor boy was so hungry!

The anesthesiologist that I met with last night was a jerk, but the one today was great. After he and the surgeon discussed things they would need during surgery, I said to him, "I'm not sure if it would be worse not knowing all this medical stuff, or if it's worse knowing exactly what it is you're talking about." He said, "I've had a child undergo surgery before, so I can't tell you not to worry. But I can tell you that we do surgeries on infants all the time, and I'm not worried." I'm still worried, but it was reassuring to hear him say that.

There's a slight chance that Finn will come back to the room after surgery, but more than likely he'll go to the PICU. The PICU staff just came by to get his crib and diapers, so I'm preparing for him to be spending the night there. So far it looks like I'll be able to stay in this room while he's there, though.

And now I'm going to go catch up on some blogs while I wait.

We're Home!

2011-08-19T22:52:00.002-04:00

We are home for the weekend - we got home yesterday afternoon, and I am so happy to be here. Finn and I slept last night from 10:30 until 7:45 this morning, just waking a few times for lazy feeding, but otherwise not moving at all, it was just what we needed after a week of horrible hospital sleep.Finn was gone for hours for his tests on Wednesday. I took him down for his MRI at 6:30 (he loves riding in my lap in the wheelchair); the anesthesiologist saw us waiting and said, "Is this the baby for the MRI?" I said yes and he said, "The baby with CANCER for the MRI?" and again I said yes. "The baby with the neuroblastoma for the MRI?" Seriously? "Yes!" "Wow, he's looks really healthy." Thanks.

I almost started to cry when I left him, especially when I bent down to kiss him and he grabbed my head and gave me a big open mouthed kiss in response, but I managed to hold it together until I was out of his sight, and then I cried. The wait for him to get his MRI, his MIGB and his bone marrow biopsy was endless, but it helped to have NannyM (as she's now calling herself!) and my sister Jamie waiting with me. It was sometime after noon before I got the call from recovery; I could hear him crying in the background as the nurse asked me to please come down there right away. She couldn't calm him down, and didn't know if he was in pain from the bone marrow biopsy or just hungry. He did calm down once I was there, but still was very disoriented and upset. We decided it was just hunger and post-anesthesia confusion that was making him so upset, and they let us go back to our room, which helped more than anything. The rest of the day was quiet; once Finn woke up we went outside for a little bit. By bedtime, Finn was happy again.

Thursday was much faster, he was to be done with his scan in less than an hour, so I waited in the surgery waiting room for him. I heard my name called from the doorway and looked up to see a nurse holding Finn, who looked drowsy, but smiled at me as soon as I got close to him. He was almost 100% within an hour - so much better than Wednesday.

Here's all the good news from the tests:
The MRI showed no other tumors
The MIBG was negative
The bone marrow biopsy was negative

All GREAT news! The tumor causing the Horner's appears to be the only tumor, so if the surgeon can get it all, then it's a cure and Finn won't need chemo. This is such wonderful and amazing news, especially since the initial news last Friday made it sound like he had tumors everywhere. I'm so thankful for all the good thoughts and prayers for Finn this week; I'm not sure how I would have made it through the past week without them. Thank you all for such wonderful support.

His surgery is scheduled for Monday. We have to go back to the hospital on Sunday night, and then Finn has to go without eating from 7:30am until his surgery at 1:30. I'm worried about how he's going to do with that, I'm scared about the surgery, and I'm so worried about how much pain he's going to be in after surgery. But right now I'm managing to mostly focus on just loving him, so he's happy, well rested and prepared for surgery.

Fear

2011-08-16T09:06:00.002-04:00

I have never been so afraid in my entire life. Even though the prognosis is good, and the doctors are very optimistic, I know there is still so much uncertainty. I look down at my sweet boy's little face and am so very scared for him.

He is still able to smile and laugh, but I can see already how this experience has affected him. He's content to be carried with his head looking back over my shoulder, where before now he had insisted that he be carried facing forward. If someone else is holding him, he frequently seeks me out with his eyes, and gets upset if he can't see me - a little young for separation anxiety, but I guess the stress of this week is getting to him, too.

We did get the oncologist to write an order to let us go outside, so yesterday we went for two walks out in the suddenly perfect summer weather. Last night on our walk I couldn't help but think of what a great walk we'd be having in his super cool stroller if the MRI had turned out differently; I've been looking forward to cooler evenings so we could start going for long walks before bed.

We pass people in the halls who all comment, "what a cute baby" and then I see the sympathy in their eyes when they notice his hospital bracelet. I see sick babies and children in the rooms around me, and their tired and stressed parents and feel sorry for them, and then feel the shock of realizing that I'm one of them.

This feels like a horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Finn gets an IV today so they can give him the contrast for his scans on Wednesday and Thursday. I remember Claire saying how general anesthesia quickly became a nonissue for her when Fiona was so sick last year, and now I'm surprised to discover I feel the same way. I'm not at all worried about his anesthesia for tomorrow, I'm just worried about how difficult it is going to be for them to start an IV on him today; I hope they get it on the first try and that he doesn't hurt too much from it.

A Better Day

2011-08-14T21:24:00.001-04:00

Getting some use out of the crib

This morning started with the nurse poking her head in our room to let us know that transport was on their way to take us to radiology. (As an aside, the nurses are encouraging our cosleeping, and even helped out with putting the crib next to the bed to help keep him safe, which is so great. I don't think I'd get a wink of sleep if they made me put Finn in his crib.) Finn woke up on his own right before they came, and I had time to wash my face and put on a jacket to cover up my nursing mom cleavage. He loves riding in the wheelchair. I hold him facing forward and he takes it all in as I chat to him about what we're seeing and kiss his little head.

The ultrasound was the easiest test so far; he actually seemed to enjoy it, and I was able to watch the screen for a lot of it. The tech didn't see anything at all on his kidneys, but we did see one cyst on his spleen - weird for an infant, but it's definitely not metastatic cancer. Shortly after that the surgeon, Dr S, showed up with the oncologist. There had been some concern that the MRI might need to be repeated, but he was happy with the images and didn't think we needed to do anymore, which was a huge relief. He couldn't explain the cyst, but said that it was something we could worry about later, if we need to, and I'm fine with that.

The plan right now is to get the MIBG scan this week, which will tell us if the tumor in his chest really is the only tumor. If it is, he'll get surgery early next week; the surgeon will first try thorascopically to completely remove the tumor, and if that's not possible, he'll at least get a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. If he can't get it all, Finn will definitely need chemotherapy, and the surgeon seems to think that would be curative as well. This plan is so much better than the scenarios the oncologist was going over when we were first here - if he truly doesn't have metastatic disease, then this makes his prognosis even better, and what he'll likely have to endure so much less.

Finn looks and acts so healthy, I just can't believe that something is truly wrong with him. He's definitely feeling the effects of my emotions and all the poking and prodding, though - he's been waking up in the middle of naps crying and he seems much more attached to me than usual. He notices if I'm out of eye sight and get distressed very quickly. I'm trying so hard to hold it together when he's awake, but oh I hate the thought of the pain and trauma he's going to be going through in the next few weeks. Why does such a sweet, happy little boy have to go through something like this? I'd gladly take it all for him, if I could.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for the thoughts and prayers and words of support. They mean so much right now.

Yesterday and The Plan

2011-08-13T09:27:00.001-04:00

Yesterday morning we had to be at the hospital at 7am. Because I'm a doctor at our hospital, we got special treatment: instead of having to wait in the radiology waiting room and then get moved to a room, they admitted Finn directly to a room on the pediatric floor, so my parents and I had a comfortable place to wait. Of course, radiology was behind, so Finn started to get hungry and sleepy around his usual 8am time. My mom shocked me by being able to rock Finn to sleep, so when they came to get him for MRI he was sound asleep. I held him and was wheeled in a wheelchair down to MRI, and met with the anesthesia team and the radiology techs before they took him from me and I was sent back upstairs. Lucky for me he was still snoozing when I walked out of the room, so that was easier than I expected.

Charles, the radiology tech, had told me it might be about 1-2 hours total, and when it had been over an hour, he called up to tell me there'd be a delay and so they were just getting started. Then an hour later he called again and said they were only halfway through the scan, and Finn's IV had infiltrated again, so they were behind. Finally, around 12:30-1 Charles called and said they were done, and that it wouldn't be long before they were bringing Finn upstairs. From the tone in his voice, and the fact that he didn't give me that, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but everything looks good" that radiology techs often do, I knew they'd found something.

My parents waited around with me for a while, but then I decided to send them off to my sister's. I love my parents, but they aren't really who I want with me when I'm anticipating bad news; I decided I'd rather be alone. I got the call sometime after 3pm from the ophthalmologist - there's a 1.4 x 1 cm tumor near the spine that is extending to the top of the lung (but not in the lung) and a few other weird tiny millimeter sized spots in the spleen and kidney. Within an hour a transfer to the Children's Hospital (the smaller one, that's not a teaching hospital, for the locals out there) was arranged.

Right after I got the news I called my sister, who made plans to meet us at the hospital, and then I called LB who did the same. Then I called Lisa, another good friend who works at my hospital, and she dropped everything to come be with me. In the midst of all this, my office manager Michelle texted me to find out how we were, and when she heard the news she headed over to be with us, too. Michelle and Lisa decided I probably shouldn't be driving (which, in retrospect was a good decision), so Michelle drove my car to the Children's Hospital, while Lisa followed behind. They stayed with us in the room until Jamie got there, and helped keep Finn entertained and keep me calm.

LB showed up a while later with Diet Cokes, milkshakes and sandwiches, and just after she got here, the pediatric oncologist came in (it doesn't seem right, needing a pediatric oncologist). Dr. B is wonderful. She is very optimistic and upbeat - in infants, neuroblastoma has a very high cure rate, and she stressed to me that I need to be optimistic, too. LB is an ob/gyn, so she took notes and asked all the questions that I couldn't think to ask right then, but would have wondered about later, and Jamie played with Finn and tried to listen in as much as she could while she talked. I don't think I would have managed to make it through last night without them here.

There are tons of possibilities as to what we'll do to treat this, but first we have to know exactly how extensive it is. He had blood work last night - of course it was right after he fell asleep that they came to get it, but after the trauma of all the IVs they wanted the best of the best to draw his blood, and she got it in one stick. He's already had a chest x-ray this morning, he will have an ultrasound to look at those questionable things in his abdomen sometime today, and Monday they'll send out urine to test for hormones made by neuroblastoma tumors. We're probably going to be staying here for the week while they do other tests - he'll be getting a test called an MIBG later this week; neuroblastoma tumors light up with an MIBG, so that should give us a lot of information, and he may also get a bone marrow biopsy at the same time.

Once we have all that information, we'll decide on what to do next.

Finn is currently getting his usual morning nap in, and I'm thinking that while he's asleep is a good time to have a good, hard cry.

Bad News

2011-08-12T16:08:00.000-04:00

I just got the MRI results - there's a tumor at the apex of his lung that is probably a neuroblastoma. I'm not sure what's going to happen next - the ophthalmologist is calling the pediatrician and will make plans from there.

I'll post again when I know more.

Dates

2011-08-09T20:58:00.000-04:00

This face cracks me up

One year ago today I had the IUI that led to Finn - hard to believe it's been a full year that he's been in existence!

We celebrated today by scheduling his MRI for Friday morning at 7am. They usually only do pediatric MRIs on Wednesday, which would have meant we'd have to wait until next week, but they made an exception for him and put him on Friday (without me asking). Thank goodness. I talk to anesthesia tomorrow and will find out how long Finn will have to go without eating - keeping him from eating at that time of morning shouldn't be too horrible, since he usually doesn't wake until 7 and then eats at 8:15 or so. He even slept through the night (!!!!) once this weekend, from midnight to 7am, so I know he can handle 4-6 hours that time of day without being too miserable. I hope!

Thank you all for your wonderful, supportive comments - they all really have kept me calm - even when I started to have a breakdown after pre-registering him at the hospital this afternoon. I don't know why that upset me so much, but I had to stop and reread my blog comments before I could compose myself and go on with my day after that.

Now I'm just hoping the radiologist knows me and is willing to give me the results right after it's done. I completely forgot to ask the scheduler if the ophthalmologist would call me with the results on Friday...I'm guessing she won't, so I really hope I luck out with the radiologist. I did one of them a huge favor this week, fingers crossed he's the one who reads Finn's scan.

Anxiety

2011-08-05T22:17:00.003-04:00

Ever since he was born, Finn has had this cute little thing with his right eye where it doesn't always open all the way, or looks droopy/smaller in pictures. At first it looked swollen too, like his right ear was at birth, and so I thought it was just something that would eventually go away. Only it didn't.

And then I noticed that while his left eye was starting to get darker, maybe green or hazel, his right eye was staying blue. I noticed this about the same time I noticed that his pupil on the right was smaller, too. The small pupil and droopy eyelid thing sounded vaguely familiar to me - it took a bit, but I eventually remembered something from medical school - Horner's syndrome. I did some research, and decided that Finn probably does have Horner's syndrome, and so I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist to confirm the diagnosis.

That appointment was today. It was a LONG appointment, and right during Finn's naptime, but he was so great. He charmed the elderly patients in the waiting room, who all tried to get him to smile and talked about how cute and how big he is ("He's 12 weeks old? I need to come eat at your house!"), cooperated with the exam, and only cried when he had his pupils dilated and the doctor shone a bright light into his eyes to look at his retinas.

The final verdict is that he does have Horner's. Most of the time, congenital Horner's syndrome has no known cause, and the only thing it means is that he'll have a droopy eye lid that can be fixed with plastic surgery someday if he wants, and that he might have two different colored eyes. But sometimes, congenital Horner's syndrome is caused by a tumor - a neuroblastoma - which is a type of cancer. It's not a huge chance, but it's enough of a chance that the ophtho wants to schedule an MRI for sometime in the next few weeks.

I knew all of this before I walked into the appointment, but somehow having it all confirmed is terrifying. The thought of my little baby going under general anesthesia for the MRI is bad enough, but then the fear of what the MRI might show is overwhelming. I'm feeling optimistic that the scan is going to be normal, but I keep having thoughts of what will happen if it's not.

I'm going to try to stop thinking those thoughts, and focus on being optimistic. Kids go under general anesthesia all the time and do fine. And chances are huge that the MRI will be fine. I need to keep repeating that. Over and over. And over.

First Week Down

2011-07-31T15:08:00.004-04:00

I have mixed feelings about being back at work. I'm glad to have adult interaction again, and to use the part of my brain that's been on hiatus the past few months. But I miss Finn more than I ever thought was possible. Wednesday and Thursday were incredibly hard because that was when it suddenly felt real that I was having to leave my baby with someone else while I worked. I knew this was the way life was going to be as a single mom, but somehow it just wasn't real until I was back at my routine at work.

Things have changed at work, though. I've cut down on the patients I see a day, and I'm seeing less new patients. I'm not allowing overbooking. I'm not volunteering for extra projects or committees at the hospital. I'm leaving by 5:20 at the latest (I used to leave at 6:30-7, finishing paperwork). Work is now just my job - it's not my life the way it used to be. It feels strange. Good but strange. Motherhood really does change priorities. I was worried that this change might bother me, after having been so dedicated to my career for the past 15 years, but so far I'm not bothered by my change in attitude at all.

Finn is doing just fine without me during the day. That's also made it hard - especially since he doesn't really seem to notice I'm gone, or seem particularly happy when I get home. We have fun together in the morning, but evenings are his grumpy time, so I don't get a lot of smiles when I walk in the door. Like Megan commented on my last post, he is reverse cycling: eating just enough during the day to keep the edge off his hunger (4-8 oz in 9 hours) and then eating a lot in the evening, and waking up 3 times to eat at night. He does go right back to sleep after each feeding, so it's not too bad, and I enjoy the cuddle time before we go to bed, though his frequent feedings mean I don't get much done at night. I'm pumping 15-20 ounces at work every day, so I am building up a big frozen supply. I'm thinking I might actually pump a little less at each session, though, because I ended up having to pump this weekend because I was uncomfortable and Finn had already had his fill. I guess I'll see how the next month goes and then go from there.

This week is going to be crazy at work - our new patient management computer software goes live. I'm looking forward to electronic medical records, but this week is going to be exhausting. At least it's a short one - Friday is my day off.

Working Mom

2011-07-26T21:39:00.001-04:00

Me at work - self portrait from a few years ago

I've survived my first two days back at work! Yesterday was rough, as was the weekend, since I was dreading Monday so much. Sunday was the worst, as I kept tearing up through out the day. Poor Finn had to sense my distress, because he napped horribly and was grumpy most of the day Sunday. Which meant that Monday he was over tired and grumpy too, so poor M, too!

We woke up Monday at 7, and I fed Finn and then got in the shower while he played in his vibrating chair. He was content to stay there while I put on my make-up after my shower, and then we changed his clothes and went down to feed the cats. He loves the hair dryer, so he was happy to lie on the floor in the bathroom and watch me dry my hair, and then I was ready for work. I had been so worried about how I would manage to get ready with him, but yesterday was perfect, and this morning was even better, since he didn't wake up until I got out of the shower, and then wasn't hungry until about 20 minutes before I had to leave.

Yesterday I managed not to cry until I closed the door to my apartment, and then I started crying waiting for the elevator, and cried the whole way to work. I never ever thought I'd be this emotional about leaving my baby! Today was better, I didn't cry at all, though I did come close a few times.

Like I said, he had a rough day yesterday, but he did well today. M took him out for several short walks, exploring the neighborhood, and said he really enjoyed it, even though he was facing backwards and the snap and go stroller frame isn't really made for my neighborhood's bumpy sidewalks. So after work this afternoon I got out my super cool jogging stroller for M to start taking him out in. He's too young to safely run with him, but I think he'll like being able to face forward, and the shade on the new stroller is big enough to keep most of the sun off him, too.

He didn't eat well yesterday, but today he took 4 ounces from a bottle without any problem. He only ate once all day, which seems like too little, but he was in good mood most of the day, so I guess he was happy. I expect that as he gets used to the bottle he'll add another feeding in there, but for now I'm working on building up a nice supply of frozen breast milk with all the milk I'm pumping at work.

I do kind of enjoy being back at work, but it would be so great if I only had to work a few days every week. I can already tell the weekends are going to be too short.

First Days with the Nanny

2011-07-20T20:54:00.001-04:00

It's only 4 days until I go back to work, and my nanny (M) started work on Monday. She was here for a few hours on Monday, just learning where everything is in my apartment, and getting to know Finn. She then went with me to his 2 month pediatrician appointment, where he weighed in at 15.2 pounds. I still can't figure out how I managed to grow such a big baby! Our first day was nice - she was obviously comfortable with Finn and he seemed completely comfortable and happy with her.

But the real test was yesterday, when I had to go to training at work and was gone from 5pm-9pm, which is the longest I've been away from Finn since he was born. Ok, it's only the second time I've been away from him since he was born, and the first time I left him with my mom. For 45 minutes. So yesterday was a big deal. Did I mention that Finn hadn't taken a bottle yet?

But I need to back up just a bit here, because I never got around to blogging about an important player in the rest of the story - my nanny cameras. I never thought I'd get them, but then Jennie told me I have to, and she showed me the cameras she has around her house - and how she can log in to them from her computer and see what's going on at her house whenever she wants. That's when I realized how nice it would be to be able to check in, just to see how things were going. It doesn't hurt that Jennie's husband is a home automation specialist, and knew the best (inexpensive) cameras to get, and was willing to install them for me. At my interviews I asked the candidates if they were ok with nanny cams (which Jennie's husband tells me I should call surveillance cameras, as that sounds nicer), and told them I planned on having them. The ethics of hidden cameras aside, it's not like I can hide them - if you go with inexpensive cameras, you don't get tiny, inconspicuous cameras. I now have 3 cameras in my house and a website I can log into from anywhere and see what's going on. Not only can I log in, but my friends can log in, too.

Twenty minutes into my training class I get a text from Jennie, "She's holding him and he's taking a bottle!" followed by a screen shot of my living room, with M holding Finn and very clearly giving him a bottle. Ten minutes later I get a text from M, telling me that he was getting a little choked on the first bottle she tried, and wanted to know where the other bottles were. I already had some Tommee Tippees clean, so I told her to try that next. An hour later, she texted me, "He just took 4 ounces, and is now asleep." Not long after that, Jennie's husband emailed me a picture of Finn asleep in his swing. When I got home, some soft music was playing, the living room was clean, and Finn was babbling happily in his swing.

Today I left him for another 4 hours, this time to get my hair cut and highlighted. It was when I was leaning back, having my hair shampooed, when I realized how much I've neglected myself the past few months. I didn't think I needed time away, but I've realized that I was wrong. It was wonderful having a few hours of being pampered. Somehow I'm going to need to find some time to do that at least once every few weeks. I ran some errands after that (and had Jennie check in to tell me that Finn was asleep in his crib - officially the first time he's stayed asleep there!) and came home to find the laundry done, the floor vacuumed and Finn watching M fold his clothes. He took another 3 ounces while I was gone, and then ate as soon as I got home.

M will be here for a few hours tomorrow and Friday, and then Finn and I have the weekend together before it's back to work for me. I'm going to miss him so much, but I do feel better about leaving him, now that it looks like he's going to eat, and it's obvious M likes him and is going to take good care of him.

Second Thoughts

2011-07-13T16:56:00.001-04:00

Deep conversation with Elvis (the elephant)

Thank you for such great responses to my last post, both here and via email - it's given me a lot to think about. Gwinne and several others mentioned donor eggs - and that's actually something I'd be very open to (how sad is it that going the DE route seems easier than adoption?) I don't want to plan on going that route to start with, though. I think I'd be comfortable going the DE route if I tried several cycles (at least) with my own eggs and was not successful. That being said, the more I think about it, the more I know I'd feel best going through IVF with at least one fresh transfer - it just seems that would give me the best opportunity to decide when I was truly done trying with my own eggs.

It was also mentioned that I should consider IUI before going to IVF. I have thought of that, and it is something I'll discuss with my RE, since I did get pregnant on 2 out of 4 IUI cycles - but that's already almost a year ago, and will have been almost two years before the earliest date I'd start trying to conceive again. BB bringing that up did prompt me to call Fairf.ax Cry.obank to check on my donor, who's been taken off their website. It turns out he was taken off because he's reached his family limit, but does still have vials available. I currently have 2 ICI vials at my RE's office - and now I'm considering buying a few more and keeping them at the bank so I won't have to worry about running out. We all know they aren't cheap, but if I store them with the bank, I can always sell them back if I end up not needing them.

While the thought of having two children in diapers in my small apartment scares me, the thought of actively trying to conceive next spring/summer feels more right to me than just freezing embryos and planning for a pregnancy in a few years. It's not ideal, but I feel like it gives me the most options and flexibility. I may change my mind, especially after talking to my RE in October, but for now, I think that's my working plan. Which means my goal over the next 9 months is to work on getting back into shape, losing my last TTC weight and being healthy. Well, that, and raise an infant. Unlike last time, I'm not going to talk about this to the people around me at work, though. It was too much pressure, having everyone at work know what was going on, and I don't want to deal with that again.

Trying for Two

2011-07-10T19:32:00.000-04:00

Finn's First Rainbow

I've made an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to talk about trying for baby #2. The appointment isn't until the end of October, but now that I've made it, I've been consumed with thoughts of a second child (when I'm not feeling angsty about going back to work, that is).

I know I want two children - I've always wanted two children. Well, in all honesty, I've always wanted a houseful of kids, but when thinking about doing this as a single mom, I think two is a much more reasonable number than I'd previously planned on. The question now is how do I go about getting my second child - and when?

I've thought about adoption, but it really isn't the easy option I used to think it was. There's a huge part of me who would love to have a full biologic sibling for Finn - or even a half sibling - if at all possible. And I really liked being pregnant, much more than I ever expected I would. It's an experience I'd like to have again. So, unless an adoption opportunity drops in my lap, I've decided to try to get pregnant again.

Ideally I'd like to wait until Finn is 2-3 years old, and then try to conceive. But, my fertility was already iffy when I conceived Finn, and even though I was lucky enough to need only 4 IUIs to get him, I know that I probably won't be that lucky with 42 or 43 year old eggs, and probably not even with 41 year old eggs.

I could possibly still stick to that timetable by going through an IVF cycle next spring, but freezing all the embryos for future use. The benefit is obvious - I'd have 40 (almost 41) year old eggs, but I could wait until Finn was out of diapers before getting pregnant again. The drawbacks are considerable, though. Would I be comfortable doing just one IVF cycle? If I did only one and none of the embryos led to a pregnancy, I'd find myself at 43 with no chance to try again with my own eggs. I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with doing just one cycle, but then again, I certainly don't want to spend the money on more than one cycle unless I know I really need it.

My other option would be to try to conceive again when Finn is a year old. Because of my age, I'd probably go straight to IVF - and if it worked, I could potentially have a newborn before Finn is two. That would make for a hard couple of years (to say the least), but then as they got older, they'd be able to play together a lot more than children who were 4 years apart could. And it puts me several years closer to being able to do real travel with the kids, which is something I'm really looking forward to (if I survive the first couple of years, that is). It's taken me 5 hours to get this post written, and all I have in my house right now is one 8 week old. I can't imagine what life would be like with a two year old and an 8 week old at the same time, but I'm sure it wouldn't be boring.

I wish someone would tell me what to do; I'm hoping that my RE will tell me, or at least give me his honest opinion on which option is most likely to give me another child. All the while, in the back of my head, I can't help but wonder if I hit the jackpot with an easy pregnancy and a wonderful child, and I should just be happy being a mom and kid family, instead of a mom and kids family. That's usually just a fleeting thought, my reasons for wanting another child are so strong that I know I need to at least try, but still that little thought finds its way into my head from time to time.

It's a nice distraction, thinking about my next child instead of the fact that in two weeks I'll be 14 hours away from going back to work (more about that in my next post!)

The SAHM Life

2011-07-08T18:54:00.001-04:00

Look at that squishy face!

When I was pregnant, I'd halfway joke about going back to work after maternity leave, and how I thought I'd cry when I went back. But I really didn't mean it. Now it's a little over two weeks before I have to go back, and I'm crying about it at least once a day already. I knew I'd be sad, but I thought it would be the kind of sad I feel when I go on vacation and leave my cats alone for a few weeks. (Really, that's what I thought.) I wasn't expecting this horrible sadness at the thought of leaving my baby with someone else while I work all day.

It's not even that I find the life of a stay at home mom to an 8 week old particularly stimulating - but it's that he changes every single day, and I love being able to see that. This morning he woke up at 8 (after a particularly wakeful night - every one hour feeds at one point) and played for an hour or so. I showered when he started to get sleepy, then rocked him to sleep. At 11, I met 3 other moms in the media room of my building for a "playdate". Finn was the youngest - the others were 7 months, 10 months and a year, so I held him and watched the others play while talking babies with the other moms. We had lunch around noon, then did some shopping at Target, did some laundry at home and had a nice little nap. Yesterday was even less eventful - aside from a lovely lunch with bunintheoven (and her cute little baby bump!), we did nothing more than sleep, eat, read, play and go for a walk.

I can imagine a time where this might get boring, but by then Finn will be even more interesting and interactive, so we'd have more things to do together. So maybe it would never get boring.

I never, ever thought I'd want the life of a stay at home mom. But right now, even a part-time stay at home mom sounds wonderful. If anyone knows of how I might somehow come into enough money that I could do that, let me know! (And don't say stripping, that was already suggested, and while my boobs are pretty spectacular right now, the rest of me isn't - and the pizza I'm about to eat is going to help ensure that's not going to change any time soon.)

Ok, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now. Most of us have to work, it's not like I'm in the minority here. I'm lucky enough to have my little guy, I need to focus on that. And maybe finding us a sugar daddy. (Not really sure if I'm joking about that or not.)

Milestones

2011-07-03T22:22:00.000-04:00

Happy on the downstairs playmat

Finn is 7 weeks old, and I still find myself looking at him and wondering when I'm going to wake up from this amazing dream. I've wished and hoped for a child for so very long, I'm still having a hard time believing that he's mine.

He's changing so much - he looks huge compared to his pictures from just 7 weeks ago, and every day he does something different. Three weeks ago, I put him on his playmats and he had no interest. Now he bats at the toys that hang down, stares at his reflection in the mirror with fascination, and can be entertained by the flashing lights on one of them for a good 15 minutes. He still eats every two hours most of the time, but at least once a night he goes 3 hours between feeding, and rarely is awake for any longer that it takes for him to eat. He loves it when I sing to him, but it's the vacuum cleaner or the recording of a hair dryer that calms him down when he's crying because he's fighting sleep. He smiles, and squeals and coos when he's happy, and he absolutely loves having his diaper changed. And, in the course of 1 1/2 weeks he outgrew tons of clothes, and suddenly fit into outfits he was swimming in just days earlier.

My friend Jennie was here with us for two weeks, and while it was wonderful to have her help, the very best part was having someone here to share the little milestones with as they happen. I didn't realize that it's not quite the same, calling someone or sending them a text to tell them when Finn does something new and amazing, as it is to share it with someone in the room watching it happen with me. This is a drawback to being a single mom that I never anticipated. I also never anticipated how amazing it would feel to have my friends love my little boy - I hope I can raise him to be the sort of toddler and child that my friends will continue to love spending time with.

It's amazing - motherhood is all I imagined it to be and even more that I ever dreamed.

While Jennie was here we did get all sorts of practical things done. She single-handedly cleaned out my storage closet - I'd started to clean it out while pregnant, and got rid of tons of stuff, but lost steam about halfway through and so it was still pretty much a disaster. She forced me to be ruthless at getting rid of things, and then rearranged everything herself (it took HOURS) and I now have 12 empty shelves - suddenly my horrible storage problem has gotten much better. She entertained Finn while I organized the shelves and cabinets in my nursery, and together we came up with a plan for the kitchen and living room cabinets. I might not be ready to go back to work, but at least my apartment is just about ready.

The Great Nanny Hunt of 2011

2011-06-28T03:21:00.000-04:00

Blurry but cute

I can't believe it's been a week since I've updated my blog - it really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Finn's gone through a major growth spurt - ravenous eating followed by a LOT of sleeping, and, in the past 2 days he's gone 3 hours between feedings ~~four~~ five times! Last night I actually got 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (thanks to Jennie taking him for me), which is the most consecutive hours of sleep I've gotten since before he was born. It was so great!

I finally have a nanny - in fact I just offered her the job ("just" meaning 8 hours ago when I first started this post), but getting to this point has been ridiculously difficult. If you'll remember from my first nanny post, I had one more nanny to interview on the phone. I still can't believe it: she didn't answer her phone when I called. She did send me a text - well over an hour later - asking if we could reschedule, but at that point I had no interest in talking to her.

I ended up offering interviews to Applicant #1 (the oldest of 6 kids), #3 (the native Spanish speaker), #6 (the manny) and #7 (the former foster parent). I didn't hear back from #3, perhaps because I asked her to bring her social security card with her to the interview when she wouldn't allow me to access the background check that's provided by the online nanny finding service. The manny emailed me the morning before his afternoon interview to ask if he could reschedule to this week - and since that was after I'd already interviewed #1 and #7, I decided not to interview him, either.

That leaves us with #1 and #7. #1 was great - she was early for her interview, enthusiastic, personable and answered all my questions well. She's physically active and I know she'll have no problem taking him to the park or swimming (once he's old enough). The best part was when Finn started to get fussy, she actually asked to hold him. He calmed down in minutes as soon as she did. I finished the interview feeling like I could leave my son with her and not worry about his happiness or safety. Interesting tidbit - she's considering being an egg donor.

#7 was also very friendly and personable, and I enjoyed talking to her. She had good answers to most of my questions. It was pretty obvious that she's not physically active, and I was bothered by the fact that she told me she "limited" the tv time her prior charges had (ages 18 mos and 3 years) to 2 hours a day, and saved the parents tons of money by suggesting Ramen noodles for their lunch instead of chicken nuggets and Easy Mac. Finn got fussy towards the end of the interview, so I asked her if she would like to hold him. She did not act like she was comfortable holding a baby at all, and when he got even more fussy, she continued to sit in the chair instead of standing up and walking around like most people who are comfortable with babies would do. I finished the interview thinking I'd worry about Finn constantly if I left him with her. Interesting tidbit - she became a foster parent because she has PCOS and an incompetent cervix and is hoping to adopt.

So, it seemed obvious that I was going to hire Nanny #1, but I had to check her references. The first was her sister in law, as she's babysat her nephew since he was an infant. Of course, the sister in law gave her glowing reviews. The second reference was her former high school teacher (who she also babysits for). This is where it gets difficult. I called the teacher's number and got a recorded message that said something like, "you've reached this person's text number, if you'd like to speak to this person, please send them a text." I texted her that I needed to talk to her about a reference (with all the specifics), but she never called me back. So 24 hours later I sent her another text, and still nothing. I called #1 and asked her to try to call her reference, but she couldn't get in touch with her, either. Which led me to suggest she give me another reference. She did, this time it was her cousin, whose daughter she picked up from school three days a week all of last year. I had hoped for a non-family member reference, but since she's not been out much in the workforce, it does make sense that she doesn't have many non-family references. And, she didn't have to tell me that either reference was family. Finally, both references seemed genuine, and both gave me specific examples of things she does that they believe would make her a good nanny. They weren't my ideal references, but I decided to accept them as adequate.

It wasn't an easy nanny hunt, but I'm trusting my instincts and going with Nanny #1 - I offered her the job this afternoon, and she accepted. Now I've just got to pray that she can survive the first few weeks on the job with a baby who doesn't want to take a bottle!

Father's Day

2011-06-19T09:15:00.000-04:00

My son doesn't have a dad. He doesn't even have a father or a biological father. He has a donor. To me, that's an important distinction. The words dad or father imply that an emotional and physical connection existed at some point, and even the term "biological father" implies a physical connection related to conception. Because of those implications, if I were to say that my son has a dad or a biological father, then I feel like I'm also saying that there is a man who is missing from Finn's life. And of course, there isn't. His donor is a law student who donated some specimens without ever knowing what families he would be helping. Sometimes I wonder if his donor ever thinks about the children that might have come from his donations. I wonder if he wishes he could see pictures of them, or meet them, or even know about their existence. Or if, perhaps, he never thinks about them at all.

I feel such overwhelming gratitude for his donor, and I hope I can raise Finn to feel the same way. I hope he never feels a sense of loss or emptiness when he thinks of his donor. He may always have some questions, but I hope that by talking openly about his donor early on, those questions will be limited to things like, "I wonder if I got my pudgy big toes from my donor."

For Finn, Father's Day is going to be a day to celebrate his PopPop, and perhaps some of the other men in his life, like his Uncle Brian and Uncle Clark. For me, I'll also take a moment every Father's Day to say a prayer of thankfulness for the man who is Finn's donor. He's not his dad, he's not his father, but without him, I wouldn't have my boy.

Fun Problems

2011-06-17T15:19:00.001-04:00

Deborah wrote a post recently in which she talked about her own Fun Problem, defining Fun Problems as: "problems that seem real to the person having them, but that other people wish they had." With each post I write, I'm aware that a lot the issues that I'm struggling with are the very issues that some of you out there are dreaming of struggling with, instead of dealing with the frustrations of TTC. So I think the term Fun Problems probably does sum up a lot of what I'm going to be posting about in the next few months, especially as the date for going back to work looms closer and closer.

Right now my Fun Problem is that I'm still struggling with the nanny issue. The thing is, I don't really want to have a nanny. It makes me nervous to think that there will be only one person in the house with my little boy, and that one person won't be me. In daycare there would be several people in the infant room, so if one person got overwhelmed, there is always someone else to step in (or to intervene, if needed). It's also going to be very hard for me to afford a nanny, and I'm not able to pay the salary many of the really good, really experienced nannies require. Daycare would be so much cheaper. The problem with daycare is the fact that kids get sick so often in daycare, and I can't possibly miss a day of work (with no warning) every week or two. I just couldn't do it, so that means I'm stuck with getting a nanny. But I'm an emotional, anxious mess thinking about the whole nanny thing. I wish I could find an alternative, but there just doesn't seem to be one.

I'm almost done with my phone interviews of the 8 most promising out of the 77 applicants. Here's the run down of the first 7 (though probably boring for anyone but me, so feel free to skip this part - it helps me to put it all down in writing):

Applicant #1 - 24 years old, no formal nanny experience but is the oldest of 6 children, and basically raised her youngest sibling due to her mom's health issues. Babysits regularly and loves babies. Very close to her family, active in church. Lives 10 minutes from here. Pros: young, motivated, enjoys kids. Cons: she's never done this before, and may discover that she really doesn't like being home with an infant all day, or that she has trouble following my child rearing philosophy when it doesn't correspond to hers.
Applicant #2 - loved her, only she wants $100 more a week than the maximum I can afford.
Applicant #3 - 55 years old, from Peru, could barely understand her on the phone. Has great references. Pros: could teach Finn Spanish. Cons: I couldn't understand her well enough to ask her all my screening questions. She did admit to being nervous, and said that makes her English worse...
Applicant #4 - 53 years old, years of experience, but she didn't answer her phone when I called. Emailed me 45 minutes after our interview time asking if she'd gotten the date wrong, turns out she had her ringer off. The whole conversation was dominated by her sharing stories that, for the most part, had nothing to do with her being a nanny. Pros: lots of experience, knows she enjoys the job and she likes babies. Cons: when I asked what she would do with my 3 month old baby all day replied, "What I do with any other 3 month old."; clearly didn't even look at her phone while waiting for me to call, since she would have seen a missed call and voice mail from me if she had.
Applicant #5 - 26 years old, mother of a 2 year old. Again, no answer when I called her - how weird is that? I left a message and she called back in 15 minutes, "I'm sorry, I was at the Humane Society and my phone didn't ring, I just saw your voice mail when I left the building." Ok, she knew I was going to be calling - what was she doing at the Humane Society? Pros: Experienced nanny (4 years), answered my questions well, willing to hold Finn or carry him in a carrier or wrap all he wants. Cons: she wasn't available when I called. Didn't remember anything about my job posting. She lives 30 minutes away, unless there's traffic (which there always is during rush hour) and then it's more like 45-60 minutes. What would she do when her son is sick?
Applicant #6 - the manny. 33 years old. Experienced with infants as an au pair a few years ago. Most recent job taking care of a 4 year old girl. That family is gone for 3 months to Brazil, "and she expects that I'm going to work for her when she gets back, but I can't go 3 months without work." From Brazil, speaks Portuguese and Spanish, is a swim instructor and loves sports. Pros: nice to have a male influence. Lives 1 mile from my house. Cons: not sure how I feel about what he said about his most recent employer. Will have to explore that further.
Applicant #7 - 24 years old, married. She and her husband were foster parents for 2 years as a way to adopt, but have put that on hold and plan to go more conventional adoption route in a few years. 3 years as a full time nanny, ultimately wants to own her own daycare, so is taking classes in early childhood education. Pros: motivated, loves kids. Cons: none obvious after the initial interview!
Applicant #8 - will be talking to her tomorrow.

I know I'm going to interview applicants #1, 3, 6 and 7 in person. Over all I liked #1, 6 and 7 enough that I'd like to know more, and while I don't know much about #3, I'd like to see if I can understand her better in person as her references really were good. I'm not going to interview #4 - I was put off by the fact that she never checked her phone while anticipating my call, and then her style on the phone was another turn off. I had told #5 I'd like to meet her in person, but now I'm not so sure - she wasn't waiting for my call, either, and then the cons are pretty significant cons.

All this makes me realize - I really need to start playing the lottery.

One Month!

2011-06-14T15:51:00.001-04:00

On his one month birthday

Finn had his one month birthday Sunday, and we celebrated today with his one month check up at the pediatrician's office. He was such a good baby - awake and alert and happy and he only cried when he got his Hep B shot. He weighs in at a whopping 12lbs 7.5oz (95 percentile) and 22 inches (75 percentile) - the pediatrician calls him "hearty" but I'm calling him my new upper body workout.

I had to close my online ad for a nanny when the number of applicants got to 77. Yes, 77. (As if we needed further proof that the economy really sucks right now!) I first went through and eliminated everyone who had bad online resumes; by bad I mean either they took no time with it, or they had no real experience as a nanny. Then I went through and picked out the ones I really liked based on their experience and what they had to say. That left me with 8 I really liked, and about 20 that seemed ok, but not fabulous. I've set up phone interviews with the first 8, and am reviewing their background checks today. A few of them already have audio interviews with their references online, so I'll listen to those, too. I'm hoping I'll be able to eliminate a few of them based on their phone interviews alone, and then of those I like, I'll call their references. From there, I hope to interview 4 or 5 in person, and then I'll be faced with the tough decision of choosing one person to take care of Finn when I go back to work in 6 weeks.

I have a list of questions for the phone interviews but could use some more - any suggestions for great screening interview questions?

Fuzzy Headed

2011-06-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for the helpful suggestions and support with bottle feeding. We didn't have success this week, but at least he did suck on the bottle for a bit - he usually won't even do that with a pacifier, so there is hope! Heidi left today, and we're now on our own until next Sunday when I have another amazing friend who is coming in to help. With Finn still eating every two hours, around the clock, I am so grateful I have friends who are so generous with their schedule and willing to help us! I'm going to use this next week to get on some sort of schedule during the day. I can't make Finn get on a schedule, but maybe if I have a more consistent routine, that'll help get him into one, too.

I'm not really sure what I do all day long. One second we're waking up and having breakfast, and the next thing you know, we're climbing in the bed at the end of the day. I would have thought that I'd be bored out of my mind, but I'm really not - perhaps it's because I'm so tired, I don't have the energy to be bored! I know my brain isn't working as well as it usually does; a few days ago I was trying to think of a song to sing to Finn and all I could come up with was, "My bologna has a first name, it's O-s-c-a-r, my bolgona has a last name, it's M-a-y-e-r...." He did seem to enjoy it, and now I'm craving bologna (and wondering how on early we ever got the pronunciation of "baloney" from the spelling "bolgona").

I'm keeping up with everyone, but not commenting as much as I usually do - most of my reading is in the middle of the night while breast feeding, and it's just too much effort to type one handed at 3am. It really bothers me, not commenting, so I hope I can get back to my usual routine with that soon.

I did get one task accomplished this week - I posted my nanny position on one of those online find-a-caregiver sites. I posted the position yesterday afternoon, and right now I have 50 (yes, fifty) applicants. There are all sorts of responders - those who say they're only looking for part time work (did they even read my posting?), those that live an hour away, a 70 year old, a few 19 year olds, a 20 year old with 10 years of nanny experience (really?), a few who speak Spanish (huge plus in my book) and a "manny" who just moved here with his partner. My head hurts, just thinking of sorting through them all. That's definitely a task that can wait until tomorrow.

Pacifiers and Bottles

2011-06-07T15:12:00.000-04:00

Finn is almost 4 weeks old, and I'm exhausted. He's awake a lot more the past week and a half or so, and starting to take in all the world around him. As a result, he's fussy a lot more; I really think that he gets overwhelmed by it all and just gives in to a meltdown, instead of just closing his eyes and going to sleep when he's tired. To make matters worse, Finn will not take a pacifier. I would have thought that would be a good thing, but he finds such comfort from just hanging out on my breast, that I really wish he would take one. It's fine for him to "comfort feed" shortly after eating a meal, falling asleep after eating with my nipple in his mouth, since it calms him and he always sleeps well when he does this. But it never works if it's been a while since he's eaten and he wants to comfort nurse, as he ends up getting a lot of milk that he doesn't want, and then he cries even harder than he did to start with. So I've tried 5 different types of pacifiers, all with different nipples, and even put breast milk on them before giving them to him, but none make him happy. I keep trying, though.

Of course, that made me worry about how he'd be with a bottle - and since he's going to have to take a bottle when I go back to work at the end of July, we decided to try bottle feeding him today. I pumped after he ate this morning, and then had Heidi give him his first bottle right as he was first showing signs of being hungry for his next feeding, so he wasn't starving when she tried. (I don't know what I would have done if Heidi hadn't been able to come back for a week - there aren't many people out there who would do well with a crying baby trying to feed, but she's calm and gentle with him.)

I went upstairs and closed the door to the bedroom, while Heidi tried to get him to eat, but it didn't go well. He cried and fussed, and refused to take it. I really expected it to go that way, but was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. We started with the bottles that go with the breast pump I have, but I have 3 or 4 other bottles that we can try - I'm just not sure if I should try to give him a different bottle each time, or try the same bottle several times before giving up and going to the next one. Heidi is here until Saturday, so she'll try to feed him every day, if possible, and then after she's gone, I'll try to give him a bottle every day, too.

Aside from some trouble last week with my milk let down being so fast that it was choking poor Finn when he ate, I've really not had much trouble with breast feeding. I know I'm incredibly lucky he's done so well, especially since (according to the pediatrician) I had the trifecta of situations that make it difficult for a baby to nurse well: long labor, c-section and big baby, and yet we were doing so well with nursing that he had gained back to his birth weight by the time he was 8 days old. So I guess it stands to reason that I was due for something that would make feeding difficult. As if him still eating every 2 hours wasn't difficult enough.

It would be so wonderful to be independently wealthy so I could stay home until Finn was weaned. Or to live in a country where maternity leave was more than 12 weeks. That would be nice, too.

Forty

2011-06-04T14:56:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday Mom!

I don't know exactly how it happened, but today I woke up another year older, and another decade older. Today I turned 40 years old. I really loved my 30s - my thirtieth birthday was a rough one, but then I loved the decade. But...remember when 40 seemed ancient? It's easy to start thinking about what's next, and how quickly the next 10 years will pass, and that I'm about 20 years from college graduation - and just about 20 years from retirement. Thinking about being 40 is frightening just because it feels like it's the beginning of the end.

But then I realized that I'm looking at things in completely the wrong way. When I look back on my life over just the past 10 years, it's amazing how full and vibrant it has been. It didn't go the way I anticipated, but in some respects it's been better than I ever thought possible; I can honestly say I have really lived my life. And this year, for the first time, I'm having a birthday as a mom - the best birthday present I could have ever received.

When I think about all the excitement and joy (and challenges and stress) to come in the next 10 years, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to find myself continuing to experience a life well lived. I might be older than I'd like to be, but that doesn't necessarily mean the end is near. How can it be, when the best part of my life is just starting?

(And it'll probably get even better, as soon as I figure out what it is that I'm eating that's giving Finn so much gas.)

Odds and Ends

2011-05-30T17:30:00.002-04:00

Sound Asleep - too bad it wasn't at 3am

It's been a rough few days for me and Finn - he is usually a good baby, but he has his moments, and for the past couple of days his moments have been from about 3pm to 5am. *sigh* Being a mom of a newborn is not for sissies, that's for sure. And the poor thing has suddenly broken out in baby acne, just overnight and conveniently the day before his newborn pictures.

I'm a little brain dead from lack of sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd take care of a few questions from my last couple of posts.

First, I was asked if I named Finn after the character on Glee. The answer to that is no. In fact, I'd picked out Finn as my only choice for a boy, and Quinn as a possible name for a girl years ago. And then Glee comes out, and there's a Finn and a Quinn! What are the chances?

Second, I had a few requests to post the list of instructions for postpartum care providers from Alex, my doula (created by Alex, Heidi and Jamie), so here it is:

1. New MOTHER should have plenty of bonding time / alone time with BABY. Let

them have it. Care-takers will have time to hold the baby during Mother’s naps and

showers.

2. Mother should ABSOLUTELY NOT EXERCISE for 6 (six) weeks. Please enforce this!

(No matter how much she wants to exercise)

3. Mother needs to stay hydrated. Make sure she always has water.

4. Mother needs to consume calories for breast-feeding. Keep her well fed.

5. Please do not carry BABY up and down the stairs. Mother will do this.

6. Please wash hands before handling BABY.

7. Alcohol and BABY don’t mix: please stay away from him if you’ve been drinking.

8. Please consume hot liquids (coffee/tea/other) in a room separate from BABY

9. If you have a cold, please stay away from BABY.

10. If there are visitors, encourage them to leave sooner rather than later. Unless they’re

doing housework. :)

Third, I'm finally starting to feel better after my c-section. It's still difficult to sit up in bed, but easier. I can NOT imagine what those women are thinking, though, when they schedule an elective c-section because it's easier. I still can't pick up the baby carrier with Finn in it, and I've yet to feel good enough to get back to a regular walking routine. But soon, I can tell!

The Difference a Year Makes

2011-05-25T19:41:00.001-04:00

How cute is this butt?

One year ago today I was lying on my couch in a daze, recovering from a D&C after my miscarriage. Today I was sitting on the couch and looked down to see my 13 day old son staring up at me, and when I spoke to him, he responded with a huge grin. One year ago I was heart broken and filled with doubts that my dream of having a child was ever going to come true, and yet exactly a year later, my child smiled directly at me for the first time. What a difference a year makes.

Even when he’s screaming bloody murder and refusing to go to sleep, I still love my little boy more than I ever dreamed possible. As devastated as I was this time last year, now I can’t imagine life without Finn.

I hope that everyone reading this who is trying to conceive is able to experience the joys and craziness of new motherhood very soon. It is so worth the journey to get here, even when parts of the journey really suck.

Sleep Deprivation

2011-05-22T17:10:00.001-04:00

I woke up around 8:30 this morning, my hands and hair sticky with breast milk, a warm body draped across my chest, the rumpled sheets, scattered burp cloths and empty NutriGrain wrappers all evidence of the rough night that had just passed. I was disoriented for a minute, then realized it was the lip smacking in my ear that woke me up; Finn was hungry again. After a long night, this wasn’t the blissful early morning snuggle that I’ve been looking forward to, this was the sheer exhaustion I’d been anticipating.

We’ve had a rough couple of nights. My pediatrician warned me that he was probably going to go through a growth spurt right around now (as if gaining back to his birth weight plus a few extra ounces by 8 days old wasn’t enough of a growth spurt) and it looks like she was right. Around 8pm, Finn goes from being a cuddly, sweet and sleepy baby to one who cannot be calmed down long enough to sleep. Last night we tried the 5 S’s from Happiest Baby on the Block, the Dave Matthews Band lullaby cd, classical music, feeding, a pacifier, my singing, the swing and me begging (“please baby, mommy needs some sleep”) but nothing seemed to be effective, until finally, after 4 hours of trying, he finally fell asleep. After that, it was much better – he woke every 2 hours and required only a little coaxing to go back to sleep.

Luckily, this morning while I was feeding him, Mom came upstairs to see if I needed anything. Instead of requesting breakfast in bed, I had her take Finn and I went back to sleep for another 3 hours, until she brought him back for another feeding. So I’m still tired, but I do feel better and more emotionally stable (until I cried uncontrollably while watching the “Funeral” episode of Glee this afternoon, but that’s another story).

You’ll notice I said I woke up with Finn draped across my body. This is one thing I said I’d never do – cosleep with him actually in the bed while he’s still a newborn. I have an Arm’s Reach Cosleeper, but because of my c-section, I just can’t lift him out of it without actually getting out of bed to get him. I ordered one of those in the bed cosleepers, and he has slept in it, but when he’s fussy, the only hope for him falling (and staying) asleep is if I sleep with him on my chest. It makes me anxious, sleeping with him on me, but I just can’t figure out another option. Hopefully once this growth spurt has passed he’ll go back to the in-bed cosleeper with no problems.

Waking up to see his little nose and cheeks over the side of the cosleeper, or seeing his gassy smiles after he’s finished eating and is asleep nuzzled up against my breast – now those are the blissful moments I’ve been dreaming of, and pretty much make the sleep deprivation worth it. (Though I wasn’t quite sure of that at about 2am last night.)

The First Week

2011-05-19T22:45:00.000-04:00

I can’t believe that Finn is a week old already! We’ve been home since Sunday, and slowly settling into a routine. Before he was born, I noticed he was most active between late afternoon and sometime in the middle of the night – and that continues to be true now. He eats every 2-3 hours from early morning until mid-afternoon, and then he eats every 30-75 minutes, and is fussy in between. I watched the Happiest Baby on the Block video over the past few days, and that has helped with the fussiness – it even stopped a major meltdown in mid-cry this evening. Amazing! As much as the repeated feedings are driving me crazy, I am glad that he’s taken to breast feeding as well as he has. We don’t have it down perfect, but we’re doing well enough that he’s almost back to his birth weight.

My parents are here, and while traditionally they aren’t the best help, they’ve been trying. While I was in labor Jamie, Heidi and Alex discussed my parents – specifically my mom – and how she didn’t really help Jamie after either child was born, even though she came and stayed for several weeks each time. That led to them deciding to make a list of things that caregivers should do for a new mom – they did a list that was generic that Alex is now going to use for all her new moms, and then a separate list that was just specific to me and things I’ll need. I was a little worried that my parents would be offended by it, but instead they’ve really done much more to help since they got the list, usually without me even asking. It has made things so much better, especially since I’m restricted to going up and down the stairs just one time a day. So right now my mom comes up when she hears us up around 9-10, and brings me breakfast. Once Finn has eaten too, she takes him downstairs and I sleep another hour or two until he needs to eat again. After he’s fed, I shower, and go downstairs and spend the day down there, until around 8pm. It’s then that I really feel the need for some space, and when I’m most likely to be emotional, so I learned very quickly to go up before I hit my own meltdown point.

The crazy thing is, as soon as I find a routine that really works, Finn will change and we’ll have to start all over again! At least I’ll know him better by then – half the challenge this first week has just been getting to know him.

My Birth Story

2011-05-16T22:04:00.000-04:00

I wrote this in part while still in the hospital, and finished it this afternoon– my labor and delivery experience was so amazing, I don’t want to forget it, and I’m afraid that if I wait to write it out until I'm more rested and coherent, I will forget most of it. A lot of the details are already fuzzy, so I can honestly say this isn’t an exact representation of events as they occurred, but it’s pretty close. And be warned, it's a long one - feel free to skip this one if it gets boring!

Tuesday night before induction was a long, sleepless night. I was still leaking a little fluid, but not having regular contractions, so my doula and I decided I should just stay home unless my contractions changed. She suggested I check my temperature every few hours, to be on the safe side, and I decided to do both that and a check in with my doppler whenever I woke up to use the bathroom. I fell asleep fairly easily, but then a huge thunderstorm blew through and I could never go back to sleep after that. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, using my doppler repeatedly and listening to my labor and delivery meditations. I was so relieved when my alarm finally went off and I could get up and get ready.

My contractions never picked up, so I didn’t go to the hospital until my 7am check-in time for induction. Heidi drove me there, and then my sister Jamie met us at the hospital just an hour or so later, and my doula came up around 10 – I had a wonderful support team already lined up and ready to see me through the day.

I was happy when I got there to see that Stephanie, a nurse I knew, was going to be taking care of me. Of course, it took 4 tries to get an IV in me, but once it was finally in at around 8:30, Cindy (my midwife) checked and I was dilated to 3cm and 50% effaced, so she broke my water (it was just a leak after all) and had me get up and walk. Heidi, Jamie and I walked laps in the halls and I started to notice more frequent stronger contractions, but still nothing regular, about every 6-10 minutes.

Me and Jamie walking the halls

My friend Liz stopped by around 11 just as we decided it was time to start pitocin. The pitocin meant that I had to stay on the monitors and so I couldn’t walk the halls anymore, but I still was up and moving. I went from the birthing ball to walking in the room, to sitting up in the bed, to standing leaning over the bed – doing squats and sways as I was able. They let me have clear liquids for breakfast and lunch, even once the pitocin was started. For future reference, beef broth is never a good idea, especially when in labor. Yuck. Gummi bears and Heather’s amazing chocolate chip cookies are highly recommended while in labor, however. Just don’t let the nurses catch you eating them!

At first the contractions were regular but not too painful. I was able to stay on top of them just by breathing through each one; visualizing that each contraction was moving my baby down, and giving myself over to the pain instead of fighting it made a huge difference in how each contraction felt.

I’m not sure when Liz left, or what time another friend, Lisa came by. In fact, a lot of the day feels very timeless. I know I spent several hours standing by the side of the bed, as this seemed to progress things more than anything else. The contractions gradually grew more intense to the point that I had to lean over the side of the bed whenever they hit. I wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t unbearable or awful – I know just having the support of the women in the room with me made a huge difference. At one point, Alex was on a stool behind me massaging my low back and applying counter pressure with each contraction, as Heidi massaged my shoulders and Jamie and Lisa held my hands and rubbed my arms.

Lisa and Jamie

I was completely focused inwards, but I could feel their support around me holding me up. We talked occasionally, with random funny exchanges in the middle of it. A few of my favorite:

“Shannon, if you could find one word to describe your pain right now, what would it be?”
Me: “Ouch.”

Jamie: “Are you using that magazine as a focal point?” after I had been staring at the same article for over an hour. “No, why do you want to read it?” Jamie: “Yes, I really do.” (Ok, maybe you had to be there for that one, but it was funny.)

Me: “One of my meditations talks about how the hormones in labor are similar to the hormones with sex, and references the close link between pleasure and pain. Makes me wonder if labor is easier for women who are into S&M.”

Me and Alex

Like I said, time was very fluid, but I was so surprised to look at the pictures later and see that at 6:15 I was rating my pain a 9/10, with contractions every 2-3 minutes when the pitocin was at 17. I no idea I had been that uncomfortable and on that amount of pit for as long as I was. At some point I started to feel a lot more pressure, so Cindy checked me and I was only dilated to 6cm, but almost 100% effaced, and he had moved down, so we were a little encouraged. Three hours later, I was starting to get really tired. The contractions were getting much more intense – I threw up after one of them – but I still wasn’t feeling any change like he had moved. I kept waiting to feel the overwhelming urge to push, but it just wasn’t coming. Up to that point, I had felt in control. But after a couple of hours of not feeling like anything was changing, except that the pain was getting worse, I went from welcoming each contraction as another step towards seeing my baby, to dreading each contraction and tensing up with each one. So around 11pm I asked Cindy to come check me, so I have a better idea of what was going on.

At that point, we were all ready for me to start pushing. Alex had coached Jamie and Heidi on ways to help me push effectively, and while I was feeling overwhelmed, they were energetic and supported me through the brief moments while waiting for the midwife. When Cindy said that I was still only a 7, I almost started crying, I just couldn’t believe that all that pain had only advanced me another centimeter. Instead of crying, I took a deep breath and said, “That’s it, I just can’t continue without an epidural.” And I was ok with that decision. I’d gone far longer than I ever imagined I could while on pitocin, so I didn’t feel like I was giving in, I was just accepting my limitations.

The epidural was blessed relief, but of course I had the standard reaction to an epidural with a huge drop in my blood pressure. My nurse empirically gave me a dose of epinephrine (and based on how I felt, I told her I agreed with her decision – she laughed and told me to stop being a doctor). I didn’t realize it, but I got another dose of that and two doses of neosynephrine, because when my blood pressure dropped, so did the baby’s heart rate. I didn’t know what was going on until they came in with an oxygen mask for me, and asked me to turn over onto my left side. My entire pregnancy I’ve been uncomfortable on my left side, and it turns out Finn didn't care for it either, since his heart rate dropped down to 90-100 when I was on my left. They quickly turned me back onto my right side, and then decided that plus the oxygen and the meds had helped bring my blood pressure back up to the 140s, which then helped him, and he was back up to a heart rate in the 130s (after 7-8 minutes with a heart rate in the low 100s). Alex pointed out that it was probably the knowledge that my baby was in distress that did it, not anything else, and she was probably right.

Cindy called Dr. T to come in, and she checked me again while we waited. After less than an hour with the epidural, I’d dilated to 9. Dr. T looked at the strips and told me that he could go ahead and recommend a c-section right then, but since he was doing better, and I was finally progressing again, he thought it was reasonable to go a few more hours and see how I did, since I’d already worked so hard. I couldn’t believe it – I was sure they were going to insist on a c-section, but instead they were going to let me continue to try for a vaginal delivery.

I was freezing, even bundled up under all the blankets I couldn’t get my hands warm, and I couldn’t stop shaking. Someone suggested that I put my lucky socks on my hands, and that did the trick. With warm hands, I was able to sleep.

Lucky Socks for Mittens

A few hours later, Cindy came back and checked me again, and I was still only at 9cm. At that point, it was clear there was no other option. I’d done the best I could, but my body just wasn’t cooperating, and it was time for a c-section. The nurses all few into action, getting me ready (which included putting my lucky socks (the ones I wore for my IUI) on my feet, and Jamie gowned up in her cute white body suit, and we were off. I was wheeled into the OR at 3:47am, Jamie came in a few minutes later and I could feel the pressure as they worked on getting him delivered. A few random things I heard while they were at work, “Oh, wow, he’s big!” “Oh, he’s so cute!” “Shannon, he looks just like you!” and from Jamie, “You should see the looks on the NICU nurses faces at how big he is!” And then at 4:11am he was born! As soon as I heard him cry I started to cry. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. Cindy held him up over the drape so I could see him for a second, and then the NICU nurses were cleaning him up, suctioning his mouth and cleaning up after his first poop. Jamie stayed by my side, giving me a play by play until they told her she could go over and take pictures. Finally they brought him to me and I was able to touch him with one hand and get a better look at him.

Me and Finn

Cindy then came and held him for a minute so she could sing Happy Birthday to him, while I continued to cry. I’m crying now just writing about it! Once he was ready, Jamie was able to go with him back to recovery and hold him while I was closed up and cleaned up. (Cool aside, my external incision was sealed with Dermabond, a glue, which means no stitches or staples!)

When I was brought back to recovery, I was still dizzy from another low blood pressure, so it took a while before I was able to sit up enough to hold him, but we did put him at my breast right away. He wasn’t too interested in latching on or sucking, but he did want to cuddle. The nurses were so great at following my birth plan, in fact, they charted that they gave him the eye drops about 30 minutes before they did, so they’d still fall in that 1 hour time frame on paper, but still allowed me to take advantage of his newborn wakefulness and look him in the eyes. They also held off on giving him his vitamin K until I was holding him, which is what I’d asked for.

Holding Finn for the first time

We were finally wheeled back to my room, which was cleaned up and ready for me and baby, with Aunt Heidi anxiously waiting for her first look at Finn. I really don't remember anything about those first few hours back in the room, and really most of the day is a huge blur, too.

One final picture - since Heidi took all the pictures except for those in the OR and in recovery, I have to add my favorite one of her and Finn here. The wait for his arrival, the delivery and the first few days after he was born would have been almost impossible if she hadn't been here for me!

Heidi and Finn

My delivery was technically not what I wanted, but the experience was so incredible, and my OBs really worked with me to give me every chance to deliver how I wanted, so I’m not at all disappointed at how things turned out. I really think my body knew that as big as he is, a vaginal delivery would not have gone well for me or for him – I really think that everything went exactly as it was supposed to happen.

Baby Day 1

2011-05-13T20:57:00.000-04:00

Finn is currently skin to skin on my tummy, sound asleep and absolutely adorable. We are alone in my hospital room for the first time since he was born, and it all still seems like a dream. I can't believe this sweet little baby is mine, even as I feel his elbow and say, "Yep, I was right, that was an elbow I was feeling!" or the think that the feel of his femur through his swaddling is just like feeling his thigh when he was in my belly, and even as I feel my uterus contract every time he suckles at my breast. It's a miracle that I hope all of you who are thinking, trying, waiting and dreaming will all feel one day.

His delivery was one of the most amazing things I've ever done - and I want to write it out in a way that does it justice. So that will have to wait, as I'm not too coherent at the moment, but I won't let it wait too long, the details are already blurry as it is. Thankfully Heidi and Jamie capture a lot of the details on camera, so I have a photographic record to help me keep it all straight.

But I will share a picture of him taken today by Heidi before she left today. You can bet there will be many more to come!

Finn at 1 day old

FINALLY!

2011-05-12T13:55:00.000-04:00

Finnegan James (The Baby Previously Known as Chiquitito) was born at 4:11am this morning! We're both happy and healthy, and he is absolutely adorable (not that I'm biased or anything!) Delivery was not easy, but I'm so happy with how everything went, even though it wasn't how I'd planned.

I'll be back in a few days to post some pictures and share my birth story.

Oh, and he weighs in at 9lbs13oz -- holy schmoly!

The Plan

2011-05-10T18:17:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all the wonderful, thoughtful and informative responses to my post yesterday. I woke up this morning about 5am and had a mini-breakdown – and then I read the responses on my blog and was able to get myself back together and go back to sleep for another hour or two. Anxiety and hormones are a bad combination – I’m so glad I can turn to all of you for support!

When I woke up again, this time to get ready for my OB appointment, I was thrilled to see a little pink spotting on the toilet tissue. And then I had to laugh – the very thing that would have sent me into a tailspin 30 or so weeks ago made me very happy this morning. Crazy.

Heidi (who has been so amazing to give up her life for the past two weeks and spend them with me instead of her cozy NYC apartment) and I drove to my appointment, and first went in for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with flying colors, but, since he’s running out of room, we couldn’t really get any good pictures. His cheeks were about all we could get a good view of, and they are HUGE! So is he – he’s measuring 8lbs14oz! The measurement could be off by a pound or so either way, of course – let’s hope it’s an overestimate.

The good news is that there is a least a little action going on with my cervix. I was dilated to a whopping one centimeter, and while he’s not fully engaged, he’s definitely down more than he was last week, and my OB is pretty confident that he’ll be able to continue to move down (which is something she wasn’t so sure of last week). I did ask her about an elective c-section, but she said based on the state of my cervix, she would recommend we try for a vaginal delivery. Having her say that is such a huge relief.

She gave me two options – Cervadil to ripen the cervix, which means that I’d get admitted tonight and put on the fetal monitor, or using a foley catheter (the catheter that is usually put in the bladder to drain it) to ripen the cervix and staying at home tonight. Of course, I chose the foley. I’d never heard of this before, but basically what they do is insert a foley into the cervix, and then inflate the bulb in the cervix to manually dilate it. It was actually a LOT less painful that I thought it would be, just some cramping when she got to the end of inflating the bulb. I’ve now got a lovely rubber catheter hanging out of my hoo-hoo – it’s awesome.

I’ve had quite a few irregular but very painful contractions since she inserted the foley – which has me hopeful that I won’t need the induction in the morning because this will be enough to really get things going. I had an acupucture session this afternoon that was just lovely and am now sitting on my bouncy ball to further help things along.

And, while I was writing this, I had a liquid that is definitely not urine come out of my vajayjay. It’s either the fluid in the bulb, or my water just broke!

41 Weeks

2011-05-09T17:59:00.001-04:00

As Kristina pointed out, Chiquitito has disappeared from my ticker, but he's still hanging out in my uterus! I think that when even your ticker shows that the baby has been delivered, it's really time for Chiquitito to get with the program and come out already!

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and we're going to talk induction. But here's my concern - as of my appointment on Thursday, he wasn't even engaged in the pelvis, which means that the chance of induction failure is high. I feel like my belly looks lower, and things down there feel different, but I can't say for sure that he's actually engaged at this point. And if he's not engaged now, at 41 weeks, I really wonder if he's ever going to get there, and I wonder if it's wise to even consider induction when my risk of an emergency c-section is so incredibly high.

So my plan for tomorrow's appointment is to find out what my cervix is doing, and where Chiquitito is in there. And if he's still not engaged, I'm going to have a serious conversation with my OB about skipping the whole induction thing and going straight to c-section. I don't want to be induced. I don't want a c-section. I *really* want a normal, natural, healthy delivery. But more than anything, I want a healthy baby in my arms. And if that means scrapping my dreams of a natural childbirth, then that's what I'll have to do.

In the meantime, we can add the following things to the list of What Doesn't Induce Labor:

Thai food
good movies like Zombieland
cheesy movies like Iron Eagle
yoga
spending an hour and a half at the DMV - half of which was spent waiting in line

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T17:19:00.001-04:00

Last year on this day, I was just over 7 weeks pregnant for the first time, and less than two weeks away from learning that I’d had a miscarriage. When I calculated my due date for this pregnancy, I never imagined that I’d end up being pregnant two Mother’s Days in a row. I know that first babies are usually late, but I was really expecting that the facts that I’ll be 40 in less than a month and older women tend to deliver early would balance that out a bit. On top of being uncomfortable, the pregnancy anxiety is starting to get to me – I really hope Chiquitito decides to come before I end up a nervous wreck.

Wishing everyone out there who is already a mom a very happy Mother’s Day! And for those of you still healing from a loss (do we ever fully heal?) or still trying to conceive: I wish for you a Mother’s Day in 2012 very different from today, one that you’re finally spending with your baby in your arms.

Meditations and Red Wine

2011-05-06T22:18:00.001-04:00

Today I’m going to post good and happy stuff, starting with good things about still being pregnant. First, since I’ve been off work, all my swelling has gone away. Even with being on my feet all day long today, not a bit of swelling at all. Second, I had a glass of red wine tonight! It was my first glass since July and it was wonderful. I guess my heartburn is finally getting better like it’s supposed to in the third trimester, because it’s the first time I didn’t get queasy at just a sip. Third, Heidi's sister Heather sent me a huge batch of her world famous chocolate chip cookies. And let me tell you, they live up to the hype! Fourth - I just watched Hugh Jackman run naked through a field. Nothing to do with pregnancy, but it did make me happy, even if the movie isn’t really all that good.

Next, I’ve been meaning to do a few brief reviews of the pregnancy meditations I’ve relied on to help me through the anxiety of the first trimester and the insomnia of the third trimester, and now seems like the perfect time to finally do it.

Circle and Bloom: The meditations are divided up into trimesters, and while they’re a bit long, the relaxation part at the beginning is fantastic to fall asleep to at night. In fact, I can’t really even say for sure what the second half of each of the three meditations really cover, because I’m usually asleep by then.

Guided Meditations by Michelle Roberton-Jones: these are all short, but I only have really found myself ever listening to the “Dedicated Time for Two.” It focuses first on relaxation, then on baby, and I like that. The “Baby’s Song” is a little too weird for me, focusing on trying to hear your baby talk to you, and “The Breath” and “Release” don’t focus on pregnancy at all. “A Perfect Night” doesn’t, either, and most of it is music and not guided meditation. It has helped me fall asleep, but I'm not sure it's worth buying the whole album for. If you’re looking for something short to help you relax at night, “Dedicated Time for Two” is more than worth the $0.99.

Anji Online Pregnancy after IF: I only bought the first trimester series, and I listened to these fairly religiously. There was a new meditation to listen to every few weeks, and was very comforting when I was so stressed out at the beginning of this pregnancy.

Health Journeys: I LOVE this one. There are two guided meditation tracks, one that seems to be best suited for the first trimester, and the second that is designed specifically to be listened to in the last weeks of pregnancy. Both of them focus on imagining your support system around you – and for some people that might be a bit much, because it’s not just your actual support system, but also ancestors “leaning over and whispering this child’s name” and guardian angels and spirits. It sounds weird, but it’s so sweet and moving and comforting. The third trimester track actually walks you through visualizing labor and delivery and is empowering, especially when I can stay awake long enough to make it through the relaxation part at the beginning.

And now back to Wolverine and bouncing on my yoga ball.

Three Mean Little Words

2011-05-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

After checking my cervix this morning, my OB had just three mean little words to say: "closed thick high." In fact, she wouldn't even entertain the idea of induction now (which I don't want anyway), saying I was sure to end up with a c-section if we tried to get things moving now. The plan is to reassess on Tuesday, and schedule an induction for later in the week if nothing has happened then. I think it's a reasonable plan, and I am completely comfortable with my doctor's reasoning, but I really hope that I don't have to see her on Tuesday. Induction and the risk of complications really scares me!

I know I'm only 3 days past dates, but after all the waiting, this last wait seems to be unending. Is it possible that I could end up being pregnant forever?

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-04T17:10:00.000-04:00

As seen on my walk this morning:

What I'm Looking Forward To

2011-05-03T23:43:00.001-04:00

Overall I've had a pretty good pregnancy, and I'm lucky enough to be able to say I've enjoyed being pregnant. So, while I'm ready to finally meet my Chiquitito, I'm also going to miss having him rolling around inside me once he's born. These last few days I've actually felt a little wistful, knowing there's a chance I might never be pregnant again, that these may be the last days of being so close to my child.

Most women tell me that they're so in love with their child once they finally meet him, that they don't have time to miss being pregnant, but just in case, I thought I'd make a list of the things I'm looking forward to after delivery - aside from actually having my child in my arms, that is!

In no particular order, I'm looking forward to:

being able to put my underwear and pants on without having to sit down
being able to sleep on my stomach
getting in a good cardio workout
turning over in bed/getting out of bed/getting up off the couch without pain
getting a massage while lying on my back and stomach
wearing my super cute shoes again
drinking a glass of red wine (that'll be a while after delivery, but still really looking forward to it!)
walking without a limp/waddle
eating soft cheeses without worrying if they're pasteurized

Heidi and I went for a walk this evening, and had several people ask me when my baby was due. It was very weird to respond, "Yesterday!" One older woman in a wheelchair suggested I wash my hair in the sink...that's one I haven't heard before.

Right now I've taking my doula's advice and have been alternating 5 minutes on and 5 minutes off the breast pump. It was helpful to figure out how it works before I actually need to use it to pump milk, and I've learned I really need to invest in one of those hands free pumping bras, so even if it does nothing, it has been helpful. But it has caused a few Braxton Hicks contractions, and one much stronger contraction, so let's hope it's making my cervix dilate like it's supposed to!

40 Weeks!

2011-05-02T23:08:00.001-04:00

The ticker says forty weeks, but no baby yet! I can’t honestly say that I’ve given it my all – I didn’t go out clubbing this weekend, and I definitely didn’t get lucky. But I have done a lot of other things: I’ve been for a walk every day since Saturday (and actually made it out for two walks today). I’ve bounced on my yoga ball, stimulated my nipples and pressed on acupuncture points that are supposed to help dilate the cervix. Today I had an acupuncture appointment where she used electric stimulation on two of the points to help get labor going, in addition to a whole lot more needles elsewhere than I’ve seen since I was trying to conceive. Oh, and Heidi (who is staying with me for the week – yay!) made us spicy chili for dinner tonight. I think that all I’m missing is sperm and castor oil to round out the list of things that are said to bring on labor. And I am NOT doing castor oil! (Still open to the idea of sperm, if you know of anyone who might want to volunteer.)

Last night I woke up repeatedly with contractions, and every time I thought, “Oh, is this it?” and every time that thought was followed by a huge sense of dread and the thought “OMG. Is this it?”

I thought about that on my morning walk today. And I thought about what I’d read in Ina Mae’s Guide to Childbirth, about how emotions of the mother can often affect labor and delivery, with particularly negative emotions actually causing labor to stall or stop completely, and positive emotions having the exact opposite effect.

I don’t think that I haven’t gone into labor yet just because of my negative thoughts, but I do wonder if it’s contributing to slowing things down. And so I’ve decided to reframe my thinking about labor and delivery. I’m nervous about it, and a little scared, but I’m also so excited to finally experience this part of life. Women have been delivering babies for centuries, and I’m so grateful to have the chance to have the experience as well. I’m actually curious to know what it will be like to go through it, and when you think about it, it’s only a day or maybe two out of an entire lifetime. It’s the prize that comes after labor and delivery that this is all about, and I’m really looking forward to finally meeting my son! So every time I wake up tonight and think “Is this it?”, I’m going to try to follow that up with “Oh, I REALLY hope this is it!” And with every contraction I’m going to try to tap into the whole mind-body connection and imagine my cervix thinning and dilating, and Chiquitito moving down and into a position that will finally induce labor.

In the meantime, I’ll try to post daily until he finally decides to make an appearance – and then I’ll be taking my computer with me to the hospital, so hopefully there will be updates!

39w3d

2011-04-28T22:44:00.001-04:00

I have officially reached the point where I am ready to have this baby! I had an OB appointment yesterday, and was lucky enough to see one of my favorite docs. In addition to cringing when Dr. H felt my belly and said, “Wow, he’s a big boy!” I also endured my first cervical check, which was surprisingly not bad. I’ve checked a few cervixes in my time, and seen even more being checked, and every single one of those women came off the table with it. But somehow I lucked out, and while it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t the torture fest I was anticipating.

My cervix is softening, but it’s still closed. So last night I went for a walk in Target after my acupuncture appointment, and today I walked the long way to get my mail. Not really enough to do anything, but it’s a start, right? I’m pressing on the acupressure points my acupuncturist recommended to stimulate cervical dilation, too. Next up is nipple stimulation and sitting on my yoga ball – possibly both at the same time? What could be more fun that that?

The answer to that is also the very best way to get the cervix to ripen: exposing it to sperm. Which I don’t have access to…unless I want to thaw one of my remaining two vials of my donor to do the job, and that seems like a bit too much of a waste. Then again, I could go out clubbing tomorrow night and hope I find a guy who’s really into pregnant women. And if that doesn’t work, one of my co-workers kindly offered her husband’s services to help me out. (If I go way past my due date, I might be tempted to go with one of those three options! Desperate times, desperate measures.)

Tomorrow is my last day at work! OMG, I can't believe that as of tomorrow I'm going to be on maternity leave. Me! Maternity leave! I never thought it would happen.

Pregnancy Essentials

2011-04-24T00:01:00.004-04:00

Happy Easter!

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am irritable and miserable right now. My back hurts, every bone in my pelvis hurts, I'm tired and I'm just plain grumpy.

How is it possible that I can feel so blessed to be able to be so miserable?

*********

My list of the Things I Couldn't Live Without during pregnancy:

A large, reusable ice pack – my back hurts all the time, and 20-30 minutes cuddled up with my ice pack keeps me going. The bigger the better - there's a lot of places that can hurt back there!
Colace and Gas-X - I think these are self explanatory
Cottonelle wipes and Tucks pads – use them every day (provided the Colace is doing it's job, that is). My bottom is eternally grateful.
LeachCo body pillow – this is an enormous pillow: there would not be room for another human in my queen sized bed with this pillow, which a reason to be glad to be single and pregnant, because this pillow is amazing. It supports both my back and front, and continues to do so when I turn over, without a lot of pillow rearranging. I can lay halfway on my back, on my side, or almost on my stomach and feel supported. Two cons: the fabric pulls a little too taut at the inside bends in the U at the top and tends to dig into my neck when I sleep. I solved that problem with a very smooshy and thin feather pillow that I put just inside the U; and it does get hot – but I just keep the ceiling fan on and I’m fine. Unless the cats want to cuddle, but that’s a whole other story.
The Boppy Wedge – this has really only be necessary the past few weeks, but it has been a lifesaver now that my belly is so heavy. I wedge it under my belly, and the rest of the wedge fits under the body pillow. It would have been annoying to need this earlier in pregnancy, because it requires moving it when I turn over, but I can’t turn over now without waking up anyway, so it works out ok.
Ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter – the skin on my boobs itched horribly my first trimester, until I started using this stuff. And later in pregnancy, the skin on my belly tends to get dry and flaky whenever we go through a growth spurt. This stuff is so moisturizing and gets rid of the itch almost instantly. I use it twice a day (sometimes three if necessary) and just love it. Definitely better than all the expensive stretch mark creams I’ve tried, with the added bonus of smelling yummy. And so far - no stretch marks! (Though I fully anticipate that to change after delivery.)
Maid service every two weeks. Nothing better than not having to bend over to clean the floor right now. If only she'd come and clean the litter box every day.
Cole Haan heels with Nike Air – I splurged towards the end of my first trimester and bought myself a pair of these in two inch heels (black patent leather). I have worn them to work almost every day for the past 3 months, and complain every time my outfit dictates I wear something else. My back and feet feel better wearing these shoes than running shoes or flats. Really.

I'm sure there's more, but these are the big things that really stick out in my mind as being the most wonderful.

Dopplers Revisited

2011-04-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

I started a list tonight of the things I have found to be absolutely essential during pregnancy, and the first thing I thought of was my doppler. And then I decided that this is something that should probably be a post of its own, since it really has been vital for my sanity during a lot of this pregnancy.

Some of you might remember that my doppler also caused a lot of stress on one particular day, early in pregnancy, when I couldn't find a heartbeat at all. Luckily, I never had that hard of a time finding his heartbeat after that, though there were still times it took a while. I'm sure the reason it was so hard was because it was still early in pregnancy - it really did get easier to find as the weeks progressed.

I'm not sure I would have needed the reassurance of a doppler if I had not had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy; it's impossible to say whether I would have felt the same sense of anxiety the first time around. Even though I had a good feeling about this pregnancy from the very beginning, it didn't keep me from feeling slightly neurotic at times, and I really needed all the reassurance I could possibly get! So as soon as I had an ultrasound that was transabdominal instead of transvag, I was ordering myself a doppler from Baby Beats. I know you can get much cheaper dopplers elsewhere, but those aren't really dopplers, they're more like glorified microphones. This place (and several others) rent medical grade dopplers, just like what the OB uses.

I thought about renting one just until the time that I thought I'd be able to feel him moving, but then I decided to go ahead and rent for a full 6 months - a time period that just ended a few days ago. Before I felt him moving, I used it every single night. Never for long, just a quick check in to say, yes, he's still there! And then once I felt him moving, it was so inconsistent at first, that I needed the reassurance to know that he was still really ok, since it would sometimes be hours or even a day or so between feeling him move. Once he started to move consistently, I didn't listen in as much, maybe once every few days or so. Usually if I don't feel him move, I can push on him some, and he'll move. Occasionally all I'll have to do is think about how I haven't felt him moving to get him to give my stomach a good kick, and so I've checked more just to hear the sound of his little heartbeat, and not because I need reassurance. I had planned on mailing it back last week, but then I had a day where he didn't move much, and he didn't seem to respond when I pushed on him. This is pretty common in late pregnancy - there just isn't room for a lot of movement anymore - but I still worried. And it was such a relief to put the probe on my belly and hear that swoosh-swoosh-swoosh! I've now decided I'm paying the extra $45 to keep it an extra month. I have put the return box out on the kitchen table though, so I remember to send someone to the post office with it as soon I we get home from the hospital.

It wasn't a particularly cheap investment, but for the peace of mind, it has been well worth the cost!

TMI

2011-04-15T21:58:00.001-04:00

This morning on the Today Show there was a segment about pregnant women sharing too much online. It wasn't exactly what I expected. See, I thought the TMI would be stuff like what I was planning on writing about today, but instead it ended up being a segment about women sharing things like videos of themselves after they see two lines on a stick - videos that they promptly post on YouTube and FB.

As I watched these women, I couldn't help but think that they'd certainly never dealt with IF - after the 4th or 5th cycle of POAS, the novelty wears off and women aren't set up with a video camera to record what is anticipated to be another BFN. And there's absolutely no way they could have possibly experienced a pregnancy loss before, because their reactions to their BFPs were much to innocent and joyful. I have to admit, I was a little bit jealous of the "Womb TV" women in all their blissful ignorance. And then a little disappointed when I realized that this was the full extent of Today's coverage of pregnant women sharing too much online. Because I really do have a TMI post here, and I had thought was a wonderful segue it would be into my post today, instead of an aside before I get started.

*warning: this is where the TMI stuff comes in*

Yesterday morning, as I was getting into the shower, I noticed something weird on my nipple. And when I brushed it off, I realized that with just the tiniest bit of squeezing, there's actually liquid coming out of my nipples. And that weird something was actually some of that dried liquid. It's a clear liquid, but it's there. All the strange sensations I've been feeling in my breasts lately must really mean something is going on in there, and now my boobs are leaking. I guess I should get used to it.

Last night, I finally remembered my plans to work on perineal massage. I first heard about it from new mommy Oak, back when she was still pregnant and posted about it after a Hypnobabies class. I did some research, and it turns out that massaging your hoo-hoo, when done properly, really does decrease the chance of tearing during delivery. Read two very difficult to follow instructions here - that second one that is supposed to clarify things is a doozy; or read some very simple instructions here. (Yes, I know it says to start this 6 weeks before delivery - I really meant to, but I was out of olive oil.)

It sounds easy enough, right? Well, last night I discovered that I can't reach my hoo-hoo with my thumbs. At least not both thumbs at the same time. I can still bend over and touch my toes without bending my knees and I can still tie my own shoes, but I can not put both thumbs in my hoo-hoo at the same time. It's a physical impossibility. I'm so shocked - it never occurred to me that I might not be able to follow the instructions once I finally got around to trying.

Not only that, but even with one thumb pressing down as instructed, it hurts, even when I was barely using any pressure. When I first tried it I thought, "Ouch!" and then I thought "Motherfucker!" (ok, so maybe I said that out loud. It's not like Chiquitito hasn't heard it before. And maybe ouch wasn't really my first thought.) For a minute there I was seriously doubting my ability to make it through natural childbirth. But then the pain eased up, and while I know I wasn't doing it exactly right, I could feel everything relax a little, and it was just a little stretching and not actually painful. I know that tiny amount of pain is nothing compared to childbirth, but the fact that I'm willing to do it again tonight tells me that I might just make it. Especially when I know there's the reward of a heathy baby ahead. And no olive oil is involved.

(As an aside, even if I had a partner to help me with this, I'm not sure I would let him. Things are definitely looking weird down there. Yes I looked. It felt so different, how could I not get out a mirror and check things out?)

I have no idea if a couple of weeks of doing this is going to be enough to actually help, but it's worth trying. Unless of course I throw my back out while trying to get my hoo-hoo massaged properly. Which is a distinct possibility.

On the Countdown

2011-04-14T21:50:00.000-04:00

I can not believe how tired I am these days. I know it's normal, but somehow I thought I'd escape that. Just like I thought I'd escape swollen ankles and hemorrhoids. I have no idea why I thought I'd be any different than every other woman on the planet who's 9 months pregnant, but I've now been proven wrong!

Last night I had dinner with LB, and after dinner we came back to my place to visit and so she could feel my belly and tell me what position Chiquitito is in, since I've been having trouble being sure myself. I felt like he dropped some after my acupuncture appointment last week - the first one where she started adding needles to points that will help prepare my body for labor. Ever since then, it's been easier to bend over, and I was pretty sure his head had dropped into my pelvis. But then at times it feels like his head is under my ribcage, so I wasn't sure. LB confirmed that his head is low, and he's all stretched out with his butt and thighs under my ribcage, and his legs usually extended off to the side. He feels awfully long, but I'm really short-waisted, so it's hard to have real perspective. And it is awfully nice to have a friend who's an OB!

As of today, I have two weeks of work left (yes, I'm working up until my due date - but I'm planning on taking 3 months off, and I want to make sure most of that time is going to be spent with Chiquitito once he's born) and as a bonus I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow. First thing in the morning, I'm taking my car and car seat to a car seat clinic to have the experts install it for me. It's technically one of those where they are supposed to just inspect it, but everyone I know who has been to one says they learned they did it wrong, and the workers had to redo it anyway. So I'll just be saving them the step of having to undo my mistakes, which I think it very kind of me.

I have an appointment for a prenatal massage after that and then I'm planning on getting a pedicure (my toenails are atrocious and it's getting way to warm to continue to wear close toed shoes), followed by some Target shopping and some exchanges at the baby stores. I'm wrapping up the day with dinner with the newly knocked up bun in the oven, which is always a fun time!

T-18 days and counting!

What I'm Afraid Of

2011-04-10T22:12:00.001-04:00

Some of the comments on my last post got me to thinking. Specifically, thinking about how I’d been a little misleading in my fear of “giving in” to an epidural – and that led me to think about what I’m really afraid of as I head into the last 3 weeks (or so) of pregnancy.

My Fears

I’ll be a crazy, whiny, annoying, screaming and crying woman the entire time I’m in labor – I really don’t want to be one of those women who all the nurses hate and who is an absolute pain in the ass because I’m so awful.
I’ll end up getting an epidural and because of that I’ll get one of my horrible headaches. Or that the hormonal changes after pregnancy will give me a headache. Either way, that one of my occasional, horrible, nearly incapacitating headaches will show up around the time of delivery and I’ll spend the first few days with my baby boy, miserable and barely able to function because my head hurts so much.
My biggest fear is that Something Bad will happen.

My doula (Alex) and I discussed my fears today, and we’re both pretty sure that I’m not going to turn into one of Those Women, though I might temporarily resemble that woman during transition. As far as my headaches go, one of the big triggers –aside from hormonal changes - is clenching my jaw and tensing up my neck and shoulders, so she’s going to make sure I avoid doing that as much as possible. And for the last fear – well, I think every pregnant woman has it. I know the chances are small, and I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’ve had a normal pregnancy so far, and that means that most likely I’ll have a normal delivery, too.

So I’m still nervous, but I’m not sure I’d say I’m actually overly worried or frightened. And, while I really hope I don’t get an epidural, I’m ok with it if I end up getting one. Reasons why I think I’d get one would be if labor dragged on, and I was just exhausted and had to have some rest, or if I needed Pitocin. If the Pitocin is required, then so is an epidural!

Alex also pointed out that as of tomorrow, I’ll be 37 weeks, also known as full term.

Which means I need to get things ready, as he really could come at any time now! My hospital bag is now packed - minus Chiquitito’s going home outfit, which is in the dryer right now. (I just did my first load of baby clothes – first of many, I know, but still exciting to be the first!) I actually have two bags – one with my clothes and toiletries, and another to hold my camera and computer. I had thought to keep at least the one with my clothes in the car, but now I’m thinking I might just keep them in the house. Even if I go into labor at work (which is just across the street from the hospital), I’ll probably still go home first (20 minutes from the hospital), because I really don’t want to go to the hospital the second labor starts.

Realistically speaking, I’ll probably go to into labor in the middle of the night. And when I do go into labor, it’ll be after I’m already off work (I’ve got patients scheduled up to April 29 – the Friday before my due date), since most women deliver their first babies after their due date.

But then again, the next full moon is April 17…..

Ramblings of a Crazy Pregnant Woman

2011-04-06T21:54:00.001-04:00

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post – my photographer rocks, doesn’t she?

For the past few days I’ve felt really good. My back pain has changed to a more manageable discomfort, my energy has increased, I’ve had to pee a million times more than I usually do, and I’ve felt more pressure and stretching in my va-jay-jay. Chiquitito doesn't look like he dropped, but I’m not carrying quite as high as I was, so I think things are moving and preparing in there.

For years I’ve looked at women in their ninth month of pregnancy and wondered what they were thinking and feeling as they approached delivery. And now that I’m in my ninth month, I realize it’s not just one feeling or thought – it’s a huge jumble of anxiety, anticipation, and hope and fear. The countdown in my mind is always tempered by the thought that he might be early, or he might be late. And all the changes I’m feeling right now have really amplified that realization that I am not in control here. I can’t set the date, I can’t arrange things to ensure that everyone I want to be there will be there, I can’t even control if I go into labor at home, like I want, or at work, which I really don’t want.

Labor and delivery is such a mystery to me, even after seeing a lot of deliveries in my medical training, and then being present at my sister’s two deliveries. I wonder if I’ll be one of those women who is able to allow my body to accept labor as it comes, and work the contractions to deliver my boy with strength and joy, or if I’ll be one of those who swears and cries and screams and begs for an epidural. Oh, I really hope I’ll be the former, but I’m so afraid I’ll be the latter!

I think I need to focus on each day, instead of what might come tomorrow, or I might not make it to May with my sanity intact!

So today I’m going to be happy for another day of feeling good, and not going to worry that it means I’m about to go into labor, like one of my elderly patients suggested today. I’m going to wear the same clothes over and over again, because I’m down to 2 pairs of pants, five shirts, one skirt and two dresses I can wear, and just be proud I’m still wearing heels every day. I’m going to embrace the multiple visits to the bathroom, and try not to grumble too much at my doctor’s office on Friday when they hand me yet another cup to pee in. (Though seriously, there has to be an easier way for a woman with a huge belly to give a clean catch urine specimen! It’s hard enough to use the wipes to clean with when you can’t see what you’re wiping, but then to have to get the pee into that little cup, when you can’t see the pee or the cup, and can barely get the cup down there in the first place? Why isn’t there a government study to find a better way to do this?)

But most of all, I'm going to savor these days and weeks of being pregnant. This might be the only time I'm ever lucky enough to experience this miracle.